Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Patti on December 8, 2017 at 10:23am

Maryjane:  Joe never regained conscienceness once they put him on a ventalitor...they were transferring him in an ambulance to a hospital that specializes in saddle pulmonary embolism when he died the first time in the ambulance - I was in the front of the ambulance.  They got him back but he actually died in the ER while they were trying to stabilize him to airlift him to the hospital.  I think in the beginning not sleeping was my way of not dreaming.  I actually live with guilt...he died after a routine surgery.  He had a hernia....he pushed off the surgery for a few years and I kept pushing him to get it taken care of...I feel so guilty for pushing him.  He developed the embolism five days after the surgery.  So the guilt kinda eats me alive...and December is the month he died so it seems as though December has become so difficult for me.  I just want it over with.  I do not live alone and my sister who I live with has a dog....I do want to live on my own again.  My family worries about me - honestly, I have no idea how I function.  I work full time 50-60 hours a week M - F.  I am a CFO for an equipment company.  I think my body has gotten use to a lack of sleep it just functions.  I know it's not going to last forever....but right now...I'm functioning on about 3 hours of sleep a night.  On occasion I'll get a good 5-6 hours but usually not more than that.  Your cat does sound like your guardian angel - that is really very sweet.

Comment by deborah peck on December 8, 2017 at 10:21am

Dear Christine, I am so sorry to hear about the positive results, My sister had  breast cancer 6 years ago, she had a lumpectomy  but also underwent chemo and is now cancer free. Regardless on what you decide to do I know this must be very scary for you even if you are hoping the outcome is  eventual death, I think some part of you wants to survive otherwise you wouldn't have even gone to the doctor, I'm praying that you go thru with getting the help you need and that the lumpectomy will be enough treatment. your friend Debbie

Comment by Christine Blaire on December 8, 2017 at 9:29am

Well dear friends....had the biopsy, Dr called me in.  Yes I have breast cancer

 Previously I had told her no treatments a lumpectomy was suggested where they only take out the lump no radiation or chemo. The mammogram and chest crazy and ultrasound showed no attachment to chest wall, not in lung or any other place. So I see the surgeon Monday morning and schedule a pet scan to make sure it isn't anywhere else and to stage it to see if a lumpectomy is possible. I discovered this lump the size of a nickel inn Aug. But my Marshall was sick and he came first. So, threeweeksafter his ppassing this issue discovered. We were never meant to be apart for very long. A lumpectomy will buy some time, with no treatment it has a good chance of coming back. Anyway you look at it I said I just wanted to be made comfortable.    Love Chris

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 8, 2017 at 8:48am

Patti, I would gladly trade a night with you...ther are a few nights where I can,t sleep, so I take N extra Xanax in the middle of the night..sometimes a few hours later if that doesn,t work, I will take another half...then I end up sleeping till 10 or 11 am and the day is ruined, as it gets dark so early. I usually take my nightly pill around 9pm, so it kicks in around 10 pm, and I am usually able to fall asleep right away. 

Have you kind of dissected WHY you are afraid of sleep. It might be a fear of being unconscious for awhile.

Did Joe die in his sleep. Maybe  you afraid of dying in your sleep. Do u live alone? Remember, FEAR can do a real number on us Bereaved. Also, I have a cat...who sleeps all day inside a little fabric house, but at night, he never sleeps inside his little house, but in an open pet bed. He WILL NOT sleep in an enclosure ..almost like he is guarding me. I am serious. Then around 7 or 8 am, when it gets light outside, he will crawl into his little house (it is always on the bed with me along with his other bed) and I SWEAR he guards me all night. He is on an entire different schedule...he is up all night, 

Maybe  you should get a pet.....they seem to have insight we don,t understand..he NEVER slept on the bed when BOb was BOb had a C-PAP machine which blew air, but my cat was awake all night then too...and slept on the bed during the day. It was sort of odd, the way he stayed by my side after Bob died. 

Do yountake naps during the day? If so, STOP. That will keep you from sleeping at night. Also, if u drink anything that has caffeine in it late in the day can effect your sleep. 

I also have an illness which makes me tired all the time..Epstein Barr Virus, which sucks the life out of’s called adult mono...

but I would really try to think about if you are afraid to fall asleep...maybe it is something simple, that I’d u really examine your sleep,partterns, you might be able to discover why. Do you work outside the home?  There s no way I could function if I had to get up and go to work every day. Good luck.

Comment by Patti on December 8, 2017 at 7:58am

Mary Jane maybe you and I could trade a night....I just want a night of sleep.  A solid night of hasn't happened in almost two years even when I medicate with pills to make me sleep it does the opposite.  My poor twin sister stayed with me for months and slept on Joe's side of the bed just so I felt someone there....she might officially still be trying to catch up on her sleep from those months. 

David - thanks so much for your message - no disrespect but it brought a smile to my face.  I hope you intended to do that and you are not crazy....but I like knowing I have a friend.

It's Friday....I have two scheduled townhome tours...I'm trying to move on.  I live with my sister because I sold our house six months after Joe was too hard to stay there....we were suppose to be there together.  I couldn't walk through it anymore without knowing that.  So I'm trying to move forward.  I've toured many homes but just haven't found on the one.

Comment by deborah peck on December 7, 2017 at 7:57pm

Its so sad listening to everyones story and what everyone has been thru. most of  my family is super supportive but of course they cant understand, my oldest sister is very strange in the things she says to me though like telling me my husband would want me to be happy and asking if I will remarry, I don't even know how to answer her if he wanted me to be happy then he should still be here and I have no intention of even dating much less remarrying, I had two great husbands only to have both of them pass so no would never take that chance again. I'm still in so much of a fog all the time even though I'm always busy with my grandkids or kids, I don't feel like I'm reallyall there, does that make sense? David I'm so sorry you have anxiety issues, this all must of made it really bad, I hope and pray you get relief for it. Mary Jane I could sleep all the time if I let myself, I'm always so tired

Comment by David Heggi on December 7, 2017 at 5:11pm

How sweet, Mary Jane - thank you.

I've been spilling my guts a lot lately. I was a bit more reserved before when I didn't know if I was being too much; I didn't know that I was preaching to the choir here - you are all way ahead of me.


David H


Comment by Sara Murphy on December 7, 2017 at 5:04pm

I began taking Lorazepam and Citalopram after I lost Ken.  One of them was for immediate relief while the other would take a week or so to build up in my system and was for long term relief.  Despite Ken's health issues (first major issue was in 2008) I had never experienced anxiety.  There were certainly scary moments but nothing I ever needed medication for.  I always knew he was my everything but didn't realize the amount of strength I drew from his presence.  Losing him has changed everything.  I know I'll never feel strong like that again.   I no longer take those meds but I do take Tramadol for a back injury I had and I think that may have anti-anxiety properties.

David....You're not crazy.  I'm sorry you had to endure so much.  I'm glad the medical community has advanced in areas regarding anxiety and depression. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 7, 2017 at 4:18pm

DAVID H...I am so sorry that happened to you. That must have been horrible to endure...but I am putting my virtual arms around you, and giving you a virtual hug. 

Comment by David Heggi on December 7, 2017 at 4:18pm

Dear Patti,

Anxiety has always been an old friend of mine.

I had my first panic attack back in 1980 something when no one knew what they were.  So many doctors shook their heads and told me that it was all in my head - WELL YEAH!!

The ambulance had to scrape me off the floor to take me to ER - my body was exploding with all those terrifying sensations, thumping up and down on the gurney. I would be screaming in pain.

This went on for years.  I finally could not even leave the house

I was so afraid of that next episode.  My psychiatrist (all in my head) gave me I think some Tofrinil (sp) and it helped.

I am no stranger to what our minds can do to our bodies. I have 

a healthy fear of it.

Thank you for the listen, Patti

Your (crazy) friend,

David H


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