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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 15, 2017 at 3:18pm

Dear Sara,

You are telling it like it is.

I hope Christine knows there's no exit here;

It will hurt.  And maybe in time that hurt will lessen.

it's good that you are considering your family, and what it would mean to them if you were not here.

And you are right about spinning positive;  you are still grieving

each day, as you were yesterday, and will tomorrow - the process

goes on in it's own sweet time.  All we can do is pray that there will be angels to guide us. Well said, Sara.

Bless you,

David H

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 15, 2017 at 11:34am

Christine........Most people really don't think.  They mean well and think they're helping us in some way however they don't realize how painful their words can be or in this case, sending you a video with no warning of it's contents.  That video may be enjoyable at some point down the road but not now when you' re in raw grief. 

You ask a very tough question....what makes us go on.  Believe me when I say I fully understand the soul crushing grief you feel every day.  It'll be 2 years in January since I lost the absolute love of my life.   I think about him every minute of every day and there's nothing I want more than to have him back.  I also understand your guilt because I have the guilt of living and for me, it hasn't gotten easier.  Even something as simple as taking a shower makes me feel guilty like how dare I take care of myself when he's not here.  I potentially have another 30 years ahead of me and that thought horrifies me.  What makes me go on however is two things....one is I have young nieces that I want to see grow up.  Ken knows how much I love them.  He also knows how much they love him as he was a favorite uncle and they still struggle with his passing.  The other is that I couldn't possibly put my parents and siblings (and nieces) through the pain of losing me.  My mother is already devastated by Ken's loss as he was equivalent to a son.  I know she couldn't bear to lose me on top of it plus I have one sister in particular that needs me for advice/venting for her personal life and I wouldn't want to leave her with no one to talk to.  Being here for them does nothing to take away my pain.  I still cry for Ken every day.  I don't foresee myself ever moving on or being in another relationship.  I do wish I could put somewhat of a positive spin on it or pretend that the sun may shine again some day but I can't.  I'm going to leave that to some of the angels here that I know will be more helpful.  Honestly, that's the reason I don't post much lately.  I don't want everyone to feel as empty as I do.  I want my legacy family to be happy and thrive again.

Comment by David Heggi on December 15, 2017 at 11:33am

Dear Christine,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Life becomes a land mine of triggers.  People don't mean 

to be cruel; they just can't know.

If I had known that my David was dying, I would be right there

ready to go together.  Surely he would not leave me behind.

Well, in real life, one usually does die before the other, leaving the other to grieve, sometimes so deeply that we don't want to 

live.

I get it; I.m there much of the time.  But then there are times

when I begin to feel a little less grief and a little more capable

of living.

Please try to look at that possibility, Christine

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on December 15, 2017 at 10:15am

Ok friends I'm in panic mode! Went to Dr and she changed my antidepressants and increased the ativan. Next weds. Is mri and not nervous about that. I feel like running and screaming. And I know it's not even one day but one minute at a time. The other morning there was something posted on messenger....she said she thought I'd like it, she did and she thought it was the last time my husband did karaoke. So I opened it. There was my husband with his arm around me singing to me. He sang to me when I walked down the aisle to me and sang our wedding song at the end of every show.I went into full blown panic attack. My daughter yelled to shut it off. It took three ativans and two shots of vodka at 9:30 am to bring me around. She should have asked if I wanted it at this time or warned me what it was. I have cd s that he made for me that I can't listen to yet let alone a video!  I have three does and every one of them were upset that she did that. I know,people don't think. I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do about the cancer. We loved each other so much that we said when the time came that we'd go together. Now I feel guilty that I'm still alive if I had been sure that I had cancer I would have put my wedding dress on, got into bed beside him and put on all nine fentanyl patches that were l left. I hate life. So I need to ask....what makes you all go on...

This pain isn't going to go away. I can't bear it. I don't know what to do. Life is not worth living anymore.

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 13, 2017 at 9:37pm

David.....I commend you for getting out and having that breakfast.  I know it's so hard to do.   I too fluctuate like that.  I think it's one of those "normal" things we feel but it doesn't feel normal to me. 

Comment by David Heggi on December 13, 2017 at 1:54pm

When a loved one passes on there are a lot of lasts and firsts - that last trip together, that last goodnight/that first night alone, that first meal out w/o him.

This morning I went out for breakfast to intentionally break our 35 years of going out together - we almost always went together.

Well, you can imagine;  I sat there staring at that empty seat across from me waiting for David to place his order, but there was no one else, just the single me.  "Single"

It was awful, but I did it;  I broke it - for whatever that's worth.

I know that there will be a lot of firsts and lasts. 

I fluctuate between avoiding and embracing: I want to die/I want to live.

I just had say this

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 12, 2017 at 9:47pm

Diane......Thank you for posting the quote.  It'll be 2 years in January and I still truly believe nothing will ever fill the void.  Reading that quote gives me hope.

Comment by Chicago Beard on December 12, 2017 at 9:01pm

Diane

Love the quote. Says it all!

Comment by Michael Smith on December 12, 2017 at 8:31am

Thank you for sharing that Diane.

It has been two years for me and I still talk to Melanie daily. I probably always will.

Mike

Comment by Diane C on December 12, 2017 at 7:07am

It's been 5 years for me, and this is exactly how I feel. I know everyone here is struggling and as soon as I read it, I thought of all of you..... Hugs!!

 

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