Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Christine Blaire on December 18, 2017 at 2:36pm

YES...I love this idea of posting on Christmas eve and New year's eve. My Marshall did karaoke and was a Dj and we always had a show on new years so this will be very hard. I have a 4 1/2 lb. Yorkie mix and she is so much company. As I laid on the couch one night crying she came and licked my tears. They do know. I will be glad when the next two weeks are over. Losing Marshall, Christmas, and my diagnosis of breast cancer are more than I can bare.. I have my mri on Wednesday. I found out today that the pathology report came back hr2- negative which was good ,it's not as aggressive as hr2 positive and more responsive to treatment. Then a pet scan on the 28th. These two tests check for minute cells that the other tests don't detect. The surgeon and family Dr could not detect any cancer in lymph nodes under my arm which they were very pleased about. So I if the pet and mri are ok looks like lumpectomy and radiation. Maybe hormone therapy. We shall see. As I said before I will not live 10-20 years without my Marshall. Saw my therapist today and we discussed my wanting only five years or less. He wants me to promise not to do anything drastic for one year. He said I will feel very differently. I told him that I don't believe him. I know I will never be happy or find a reason to be here.. I told him I feel guilty for being alive. Believe me, if I had known that I had cancer too I would be with my Marshall and not writing this. I guess I'm being tested but I don't know what I did that was so bad that I have to go thru this pain. Actually...what did we all do to be punished like this? Why is all this heartache necessary? I for one, don't see the purpose for this kind of punishment. Ok, sorry. I'm not going anywhere the rest of the's only 3:30 here on ohio but it's 5 o'clock somewhere. I wish we could all get together and pass around hugs.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 18, 2017 at 1:02pm

YES! Let’s post a greeting on both “EVES”. That will be fun. Of course, I am planning to toast each night with a double bourbon and ginger I should be in a good mood. 

TO ALL OF U...READ THE POST ABOVE and let everyone know.

i will have to stick a sticky post it on the TV to remind,e not to forget. Lol

Comment by deborah peck on December 18, 2017 at 12:24am

Mary Jane, I find myself forgetting a lot too right now, have started to write stuff down to remember, I think its all the confusion in my head right now, and while I wasn't tired when my Greg first passed away, I am tired all the time now, I could sleep the whole day and be perfectly content to do so, I think its a lot of depression going on with the upcoming holidays. All my kids and grandkids will be staying at my house Christmas eve and then my entire extended family will be coming here Christmas day so will be very busy but all I really want to do is sleep the day away, my husband and I had started a new tradition a few years ago and would go to the mountains in the Smokies the day after Christmas and spend New Years in a cabin there, then a couple of years ago my sister and her husband started going with us every year and we would go to Gatlinburg and watch the ball drop and stay up all night playing games, its going to be so hard this year, not sure what I will do beside just stay home by myself, just will be so sad. I think the idea of posting on Christmas Eve is a good idea, I think New Years would be great too.  your friend Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 17, 2017 at 2:54pm

Thanks, DAVID

hey, I just had an idea...those of us who will be alone on Christmas Eve, should post a greeting here, at a specified time. Say about 9 or 10 pm  EST? If we do it later, it shouldn,t interrupt those of us who will be celebrating on Christmas Eve. I think most people are on the east coast...I am in the central time zone..and I plan to buy a pint of Wellers bourbon and raise a toast to I will NOT be drinking the whole pint, as I have to see relatives the next day...and I don,t want to get sick, but coming here and leaving good wishes might be fun.

Comment by David Heggi on December 17, 2017 at 12:11pm

Dear Mary Jane,

You're mind is not gone, it's just disoriented without your Bob There.

I have been stuffing myself, and sleeping every chance I get too.

Your mind might be protecting itself with delayed grief: you just could not accept it at the time, and your mind couldn't handle it at the time.  I don't know if that is any comfort to know - pain is pain then or now.

Yes, I think pets are a comfort.  I'm glad you have yours; animals have a special sense, and can know things that we can't.

Be good to yourself Mary Jane.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 16, 2017 at 7:16pm have NO IDEA how much I feel like my mind is gone...and especially at Christmas. I have forgotten presents I have already purchased, and repurchased gifts...I can’t  find anything I put away...

This happens all the time, but it is so much worse, I am sleeping way too much...just so I can stop thinking about life, there is so much sugar stuff this time of year, I am binge eating...really bad...I just want to go to bed and sleep until my mind has some focus back...I tried watching a tv Christmas show last night but broke down at the happy singing of carols...

ironically, BOb HATED at least I have that...and last year I went to California to visit friends and family, and also, I was in some sort of weird mental place, where I actually thought he wasn,t really dead, but would return...I googled it it’s called delayed grief..and this year I am alone. 

Christmas Day, I am going to my nieces, and their family and I are going OUT to eat...I said NO GIFTS...and sent their family a box of Cheryl’s they have to drive 40 minutes to come get me..I DON’T DRIVE...and I wouldn,t go,’cept I stayed alone on Thanksgiving and it was so much worse than I thought it would be...

if I DIDN,t have my cat I would go insane. Seriously. I think anyone who has lost someone should have a pet. Usually cats are kind of distant etc..but since Bob has been gone, he is my constant companion. He even sleeps with me all night...sometimes he stares off into space, and I wonder if he sees BOb. If you don,t have a pet, I would advise anyone alone to get one. Even if you don,t bond, the companionship is wonderful and comforting, and caring for a living thing brings purpose into your life. 

Wow, I DIDN,t mean to ramble on...but this turned into a really long post. Sorry.

Comment by David Heggi on December 15, 2017 at 3:18pm

Dear Sara,

You are telling it like it is.

I hope Christine knows there's no exit here;

It will hurt.  And maybe in time that hurt will lessen.

it's good that you are considering your family, and what it would mean to them if you were not here.

And you are right about spinning positive;  you are still grieving

each day, as you were yesterday, and will tomorrow - the process

goes on in it's own sweet time.  All we can do is pray that there will be angels to guide us. Well said, Sara.

Bless you,

David H

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 15, 2017 at 11:34am

Christine........Most people really don't think.  They mean well and think they're helping us in some way however they don't realize how painful their words can be or in this case, sending you a video with no warning of it's contents.  That video may be enjoyable at some point down the road but not now when you' re in raw grief. 

You ask a very tough question....what makes us go on.  Believe me when I say I fully understand the soul crushing grief you feel every day.  It'll be 2 years in January since I lost the absolute love of my life.   I think about him every minute of every day and there's nothing I want more than to have him back.  I also understand your guilt because I have the guilt of living and for me, it hasn't gotten easier.  Even something as simple as taking a shower makes me feel guilty like how dare I take care of myself when he's not here.  I potentially have another 30 years ahead of me and that thought horrifies me.  What makes me go on however is two is I have young nieces that I want to see grow up.  Ken knows how much I love them.  He also knows how much they love him as he was a favorite uncle and they still struggle with his passing.  The other is that I couldn't possibly put my parents and siblings (and nieces) through the pain of losing me.  My mother is already devastated by Ken's loss as he was equivalent to a son.  I know she couldn't bear to lose me on top of it plus I have one sister in particular that needs me for advice/venting for her personal life and I wouldn't want to leave her with no one to talk to.  Being here for them does nothing to take away my pain.  I still cry for Ken every day.  I don't foresee myself ever moving on or being in another relationship.  I do wish I could put somewhat of a positive spin on it or pretend that the sun may shine again some day but I can't.  I'm going to leave that to some of the angels here that I know will be more helpful.  Honestly, that's the reason I don't post much lately.  I don't want everyone to feel as empty as I do.  I want my legacy family to be happy and thrive again.

Comment by David Heggi on December 15, 2017 at 11:33am

Dear Christine,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Life becomes a land mine of triggers.  People don't mean 

to be cruel; they just can't know.

If I had known that my David was dying, I would be right there

ready to go together.  Surely he would not leave me behind.

Well, in real life, one usually does die before the other, leaving the other to grieve, sometimes so deeply that we don't want to 


I get it; I.m there much of the time.  But then there are times

when I begin to feel a little less grief and a little more capable

of living.

Please try to look at that possibility, Christine

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on December 15, 2017 at 10:15am

Ok friends I'm in panic mode! Went to Dr and she changed my antidepressants and increased the ativan. Next weds. Is mri and not nervous about that. I feel like running and screaming. And I know it's not even one day but one minute at a time. The other morning there was something posted on messenger....she said she thought I'd like it, she did and she thought it was the last time my husband did karaoke. So I opened it. There was my husband with his arm around me singing to me. He sang to me when I walked down the aisle to me and sang our wedding song at the end of every show.I went into full blown panic attack. My daughter yelled to shut it off. It took three ativans and two shots of vodka at 9:30 am to bring me around. She should have asked if I wanted it at this time or warned me what it was. I have cd s that he made for me that I can't listen to yet let alone a video!  I have three does and every one of them were upset that she did that. I know,people don't think. I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do about the cancer. We loved each other so much that we said when the time came that we'd go together. Now I feel guilty that I'm still alive if I had been sure that I had cancer I would have put my wedding dress on, got into bed beside him and put on all nine fentanyl patches that were l left. I hate life. So I need to ask....what makes you all go on...

This pain isn't going to go away. I can't bear it. I don't know what to do. Life is not worth living anymore.


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