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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 18, 2017 at 9:34pm

Thank you for your kind response, Chicago.

I have been focusing on my loss with everyone here (which is more than enough in itself to deal with)  And keeping to myself the difficult living conditions I find myself.  But today I just could not handle it all.

I think of checking out all the time, yet still hoping that I will learn to become stronger and survive all of this.

Bless you

Comment by Chicago Beard on December 18, 2017 at 9:07pm

David

That has to be so upsetting. Not only did you lose the love of your life you lost some independence as well. I am so sorry. I do not believe I would have dealt with this situation well at all. Plus being an only child with no children I have no one who would or could take me in. Again, I am so sorry!

Comment by David Heggi on December 18, 2017 at 8:55pm

Dear friends,

Has anyone after losing a loved one had to move in with family?

I had to for financial reasons, and after having strokes cannot live alone.  This will be on top of losing my long time partner.  Should all of this be too much to deal with?.  I feel like I'm going crazy with homesickness for my lost love and my life with him. I'm not coping well with all this happening at once. Too many life traumas at once.

Comment by David Heggi on December 18, 2017 at 3:41pm

Dear Christine,

I'm glad you got a relatively good, or less aggressive report than you expected, and more responsive to treatment.

Your therapist is wise asking you to promise you won't do anything drastic for one year.  I know you don't think so, but you still may feel much differently by then.

Christine, none of us have done anything wrong to be punished

this way;  if so, then I cannot believe in a loving God.

Yep, It must be at least five somewhere - whatever gets you

thru the nite.

I'm glad you have your yorkie for comfort; they somehow 

"know"

All the best for you,

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on December 18, 2017 at 2:36pm

YES...I love this idea of posting on Christmas eve and New year's eve. My Marshall did karaoke and was a Dj and we always had a show on new years so this will be very hard. I have a 4 1/2 lb. Yorkie mix and she is so much company. As I laid on the couch one night crying she came and licked my tears. They do know. I will be glad when the next two weeks are over. Losing Marshall, Christmas, and my diagnosis of breast cancer are more than I can bare.. I have my mri on Wednesday. I found out today that the pathology report came back hr2- negative which was good ,it's not as aggressive as hr2 positive and more responsive to treatment. Then a pet scan on the 28th. These two tests check for minute cells that the other tests don't detect. The surgeon and family Dr could not detect any cancer in lymph nodes under my arm which they were very pleased about. So I if the pet and mri are ok looks like lumpectomy and radiation. Maybe hormone therapy. We shall see. As I said before I will not live 10-20 years without my Marshall. Saw my therapist today and we discussed my wanting only five years or less. He wants me to promise not to do anything drastic for one year. He said I will feel very differently. I told him that I don't believe him. I know I will never be happy or find a reason to be here.. I told him I feel guilty for being alive. Believe me, if I had known that I had cancer too I would be with my Marshall and not writing this. I guess I'm being tested but I don't know what I did that was so bad that I have to go thru this pain. Actually...what did we all do to be punished like this? Why is all this heartache necessary? I for one, don't see the purpose for this kind of punishment. Ok, sorry. I'm not going anywhere the rest of the day...it's only 3:30 here on ohio but it's 5 o'clock somewhere. I wish we could all get together and pass around hugs.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 18, 2017 at 1:02pm

YES! Let’s post a greeting on both “EVES”. That will be fun. Of course, I am planning to toast each night with a double bourbon and ginger ale...so I should be in a good mood. 

TO ALL OF U...READ THE POST ABOVE and let everyone know.

i will have to stick a sticky post it on the TV to remind,e not to forget. Lol

Comment by deborah peck on December 18, 2017 at 12:24am

Mary Jane, I find myself forgetting a lot too right now, have started to write stuff down to remember, I think its all the confusion in my head right now, and while I wasn't tired when my Greg first passed away, I am tired all the time now, I could sleep the whole day and be perfectly content to do so, I think its a lot of depression going on with the upcoming holidays. All my kids and grandkids will be staying at my house Christmas eve and then my entire extended family will be coming here Christmas day so will be very busy but all I really want to do is sleep the day away, my husband and I had started a new tradition a few years ago and would go to the mountains in the Smokies the day after Christmas and spend New Years in a cabin there, then a couple of years ago my sister and her husband started going with us every year and we would go to Gatlinburg and watch the ball drop and stay up all night playing games, its going to be so hard this year, not sure what I will do beside just stay home by myself, just will be so sad. I think the idea of posting on Christmas Eve is a good idea, I think New Years would be great too.  your friend Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 17, 2017 at 2:54pm

Thanks, DAVID

hey, I just had an idea...those of us who will be alone on Christmas Eve, should post a greeting here, at a specified time. Say about 9 or 10 pm  EST? If we do it later, it shouldn,t interrupt those of us who will be celebrating on Christmas Eve. I think most people are on the east coast...I am in the central time zone..and I plan to buy a pint of Wellers bourbon and raise a toast to life..lol..no I will NOT be drinking the whole pint, as I have to see relatives the next day...and I don,t want to get sick, but coming here and leaving good wishes might be fun.

Comment by David Heggi on December 17, 2017 at 12:11pm

Dear Mary Jane,

You're mind is not gone, it's just disoriented without your Bob There.

I have been stuffing myself, and sleeping every chance I get too.

Your mind might be protecting itself with delayed grief: you just could not accept it at the time, and your mind couldn't handle it at the time.  I don't know if that is any comfort to know - pain is pain then or now.

Yes, I think pets are a comfort.  I'm glad you have yours; animals have a special sense, and can know things that we can't.

Be good to yourself Mary Jane.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 16, 2017 at 7:16pm

DAVID..you have NO IDEA how much I feel like my mind is gone...and especially at Christmas. I have forgotten presents I have already purchased, and repurchased gifts...I can’t  find anything I put away...

This happens all the time, but it is so much worse, I am sleeping way too much...just so I can stop thinking about life, there is so much sugar stuff this time of year, I am binge eating...really bad...I just want to go to bed and sleep until my mind has some focus back...I tried watching a tv Christmas show last night but broke down at the happy singing of carols...

ironically, BOb HATED Christmas...so at least I have that...and last year I went to California to visit friends and family, and also, I was in some sort of weird mental place, where I actually thought he wasn,t really dead, but would return...I googled it it’s called delayed grief..and this year I am alone. 

Christmas Day, I am going to my nieces, and their family and I are going OUT to eat...I said NO GIFTS...and sent their family a box of Cheryl’s cookies...as they have to drive 40 minutes to come get me..I DON’T DRIVE...and I wouldn,t go,’cept I stayed alone on Thanksgiving and it was so much worse than I thought it would be...

if I DIDN,t have my cat I would go insane. Seriously. I think anyone who has lost someone should have a pet. Usually cats are kind of distant etc..but since Bob has been gone, he is my constant companion. He even sleeps with me all night...sometimes he stares off into space, and I wonder if he sees BOb. If you don,t have a pet, I would advise anyone alone to get one. Even if you don,t bond, the companionship is wonderful and comforting, and caring for a living thing brings purpose into your life. 

Wow, I DIDN,t mean to ramble on...but this turned into a really long post. Sorry.

 

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