Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 7, 2017 at 11:06am

Dear Deborah,

It's ridiculous of me to post that "I'm having a bad day" - for Heavens sake, we all are.  Though. I have to say that I was in a crisis - you understand?

Yes, the Holidays are here, and we are not: we're wishing we were back when we could be with our loved ones.

You are exhausted too?  It's good to know that it is a symptom of our grief and not something else.  My Dr gave my bloodwork results a thumbs up the other day.  So we agreed that my lack of energy is caused by that grab bag of dep/anxiety.

What kind of anxiety meds do you take, or have taken, Deborah?

They are there to use, and we are lucky to have something that may help, as one of my therapists once told me. Of course we don't want to be dependent, but by golly we need whatever relief that is available to us.

I hope you too get some rest - if we sleep all the time that's OK

Thank you for thinking of me, Deborah.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Patti on December 7, 2017 at 10:49am

No, I wasn't the only one....but he spent a lot of time on my Joe.  There were about six of a room of about 500 people.  Things he said were so amazing....but again I just don't know that I was ready for it....I remember before it started I was holding my sisters hand and told her how nervous I was and that I thought maybe we should leave.  I'm glad we didn' was so obvious it was my husband.  The things he said were things that were so private....he even talked about my spending habits and that my husband was worried about me...that made me smile....he said I spread my husbands ashes in the mountains....I didn't but his buddies did and he said "but not all of them" and he was right I only gave them some ashes to spread because I wanted to keep some and the kids wanted to keep some.  It was just so eerie but also comforting.  I would like to do a private reading next time.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 7, 2017 at 10:36am

I would LOVE to see Theresa Caputo for a private reading...but I don,t ever see it happening. And, I would want a private reading, not a group reading. You were actually blessed to be singled out. All I want to know is if BOb is OK. I FEEL he is.. About 4 years ago, I had  13 year old grand niece by marriage die instantly while taking a shower. She was 13 years old. I won,t elaborate, as I have been trying to get her family to come to Legacy, so don,t want to violate their privacy...but they had a private reading with John Edwards. He told them something that NO ONE except her brother knew, that he had removed some small item from her room..the experience was amazing..and eased a big part of their grief. So I DO believe in mediums..but when you saw Mr Edwards, were you the only one out of all the others who,s loved one came through? That must have been so special.

Comment by Patti on December 7, 2017 at 9:55am

Sara:  I too went and saw John Edwards last May in Buffalo.  Out of all the folks there he read was so strange.  Good thing my sister was with me because I was sobbing that I honestly did not hear much of anything he said.  It was the first time I had ever attended anything like that....he talked about the UNYTS donation my husband was able to provide for so many other living just was too much to be heart hurt after leaving.

Mary Jane - I've also watched that show on tv and ended up turning it off....for the same reasons you are not enjoying it.

On another note....yesterday I had to go for a cervical biopsy.  The last time I had one done I was in my early 20s so over 25 years ago.  It really isn't too bad but my god...I was a mess.  I just wanted Joe to be there with me.  I had to do it was so difficult. I so needed him yesterday.  I can't wait for this week to be over....but I've discovered that the month of December is just so difficult for me.  THe 2nd anniversary of his death approaching....the's such a mix of emotions....I almost feel like going back on my anxiety pills....they are sitting in my purse and it feels like I may be needing them.

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 10:57pm

david, I'm so sorry you are having a bad day, its so hard isn't it. I would be thrilled beyond measure if Greg could come back but only if forever, that we could both pass at the same time so neither of us would have to go thru this. Ive been reading everyones post and seems everyone is more active on here with the holiday season here, I think it makes us even more aware of what we are missing and we are all reaching out to each other right now. As for me I find myself exhausted all the time, something I didn't do at first, I just want to sleep all the time right now, I know it is normal and will pass. I hope you get some rest tonight. your friend Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 5, 2017 at 9:32pm

Patti.......I do watch This is Us and I remember that scene.  I was thinking how true that is.....that anything "happy" that will ever happen will always be clouded with sadness.  As it is, my every thought is "Ken should be here for this".  I've been to a couple of Mediums so I know he still is here for everything, I just can't seem him and share with him the way I want.  The same is true of Joe....when the time comes and grandbabies are born, he will be there to witness it.  The love and connection never dies.

Mary Jane...I've seen a couple episodes of that show as well, not my favorite (I only watch it by default) but I did watch the first episode of the season because I knew they had killed the wife character and was curious how they handled it.  I was VERY disappointed.  In the show they referenced that she had passed away a year ago as if it was so long ago and they were all over it.  I'm guessing the writer of that episode hasn't lost anyone special, least of all a spouse.   

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 5, 2017 at 5:17pm

P.S.  Now I just want to go throw up.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 5, 2017 at 5:15pm

David, after reading that post and a few others by you,  I let my mind “go there” and seriously visualize what it would really feel like if by some miracle BOb walked through the front door, with his huge smile arms open, well and happy...and said it was all fake. It never happened. The last 20 months were a spell by an evil fairy..and it is still 2015, and I love you...and we we will be together another 20years happy and healthy. We would be crying and laughing and shaking and  holding each other....well you get the idea. I don,t know what compelled me to imagine that..yes, of course I am crying...but for some reason, I don,t feel as sad as I thought I would if I ever imagined that. I feel an intense sense of loss..beside the feelings I just described in that wonderful fantasy...and maybe THAT is it. I am FEELNG EMOTIONS! I am distraught, crying and angry and I have a headache...and it will be awhile before I EVER do that again..but maybe that is what I needed to do. Maybe I had to open that door so I could start feelng life again. i guess I I’ll find out.

Comment by David Heggi on December 5, 2017 at 2:46pm

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for sharing.

It must've been very hard to finally bring Greg home, and then only to have him die in Hospice care after a day.  I hope he knew he was home -  I hope there is an extra sense for the dying.  I wish there was one for the "survivors" too,  some super human strength that gets us thru.

David knew exactly where he was; he sat back in his recliner in awe that he was home for good.  I wish he could be.  I wish his death was all just a horrible horrible mistake, and that he was coming back home for good.....

I know I shouldn't have those wishes, but don't we all?

Sorry, Deborah, it's one of those bad days.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 5, 2017 at 2:10pm

Ohhh, Patti I sometimes watch This is us...which is really good, but many times I find myself watching a scene that is too emotional for me, so I change the channel.

BTW, something on network TV REALLY has me pi$$ed’s the lame sitcom Kevin can Wait...which I have only watched maybe 4 times cuz it was on in between something else..anyway. Last season he had a WIFE, and this season she,s gone. They killed off her character, but it’s as if she never existed! They only mentioned her a few times in the first episode, and now it is as if she never existed!! WTF? 


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