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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 20, 2017 at 5:17pm

You have yourself a deal, Deborah!!!

Lets all start pity party..we deserve it!

Comment by deborah peck on December 20, 2017 at 5:15pm

Dear Mary Jane, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now, you have every right to have a pity party, it all totally stinks. I too would love to take meds and sleep thru the holidays but no such luck of course. My entire family will be showing up here for Christmas day and I'm praying I can get thru it. this is my first holiday season without my Greg and its going to be rough to say the least, so after it is over I will message you and we can have a pity party together. your friend Debbie

Comment by David Heggi on December 20, 2017 at 3:12pm

Dear Marsha,

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Please don't think that I don't take them to heart - I do.

There are things in my life that I have simply not shared because there is not enough time and patience with me and you kind people.

It seems as though, like yourself, I always find myself in a caregiving role; with my unstable upbringing, someone had to.  And as a nurturer, it was fitting.

Dave's daughter needs my $  She is a single mother trying to make ends meet.  I want to pay her room & board - I wouldn't have it any other way.  

I am sure there is a family bond here: Her Dad's and my relationship of 35 years has been the most stable one in her life. She has always considered me her 2nd Dad.  So yes, there is that.

Right now I can't even consider this a short term situation.  Even if I had enough $ to be on my own, I couldn't:  I am recovering from 2 strokes, and am very weak and unstable.  So I can't see myself regaining financial and physical independence again (but then again, who knows)

Thank you for being here for me.  I've read a lot of good things about you, Marsha.

We'll talk again

Hugs,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 20, 2017 at 2:01pm

Oh, they’re teens. Well, I bet their mother will be happy to have someone to talk to :)

things have. Way omg working out...

i wish I could follow my own advice, but I can’t. I thought I was fine, it being Christmas and all...but I am NOT. BIG TIME. I finally figured out some of it was I was going to make cookies for some people...and I can’t do it. For 2 days I have been putting it off...and today I realized that in 2014 was our last good Christmas together...I was in the kitchen making cookies..we were talking and laughing...the next year 2015 he had cancer and died early 2016.. and last year I went home to San Francisco to b with family...but now he is gone, and I am all alone. I have never been this depressed since he died. 

I told a close friend this, and she said..”yes, but he,s in a wonderfull place.. “ and selfishly I retorted..yeah, but I AM NOT! 

He died and left me alone am with all this crap to get rid of...and I am 71 and my bones don,t work anymore, and I hurt all the time...and I need a pity party. So I am going to go take a long nap. In fact it would b cool if I could just sleep right through Christmas...and if I see one more tv PERFUME COMMERCIAL where a model is crawling through the water on the beach at low tide I am going to puke. SO THERE!

Comment by David Heggi on December 20, 2017 at 12:32pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I am afraid of intentions - I do the thoughtwork for other people;  I am sincerely interested in how they might be feeling in certain situations.  It's how I am hardwired.

Davids family does need $, and I need to contribute;  paying my own way just as I have always done.  The trouble is that I can sometimes be led on and confuse it with the warm & fuzzies. That I am not comfortable with.

I try every chance I get to be the keeper of Davids good memory.  But I have a single mother here who is at her wits end, and teenaged children who are glued to their social media,  They are not interested in sitting at my knee while telling them how wonderful their grandfather truly was.  

Even so. I still try to interject him everywhere I can. Which can be awkward, but I don't care.

Bottom line is that I don't know how all of this will play out;  It's not been that long.

Thank you for your encouragement, Mary Jane.

Hugs, Your friend,

David

Comment by Marsha H on December 20, 2017 at 4:12am

Dear David ...  I understand you were the strong one in your relationship and so was I.  It even stemmed back to friends who were ill and needed help throughout my adult life, then my parents (caretaker) and then Ernie's parents.  I eventually had to quit work to care for my mother and Ernie's mother before Ernie got ill.

If you feel paying a little room and board would make you feel better and a feeling of keeping your dignity then by all means talk to the family and express why you want to this.  You just want to keep your dignity and independence.  However, that being said there are some people that honestly care and really love you and want to help.  Remember, this is just short-term until you get on your feet and you will my friend.

Take good care of yourself, be thankfully for this opportunity from your family and you'll be stronger all the way around in your life by doing so.  Money is always a factor with many of us who are on our own and our spouses pass on, but no one can make you give money if you don't allow it.  I am on my own and I am very careful about my finances.  

We're all here for you so if you have any concerns please just post and we'll be there for you.  You are not alone!

Your friend

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 19, 2017 at 10:38pm

David, I can see where u r coming from..not trusting David’s relatives, thinking they only want money. That sounds like something I might have thought, if I was in your situation. What is is...is FEAR.  Fear that they mgjtbreally WANT you...fear that you don,t really mean anything to them but money. 

Younare going to change that RIGHT NOW! The fact that they are welcoming you means your whole life is about to change. Even more than b 4. DAvid has grandchildren. R they little ones. His daughter doesn,t want your $$$..she wants to know who her father was!  You have been given an amazing opportunity to tell her bout her father. I am guessing she DIDN,t know him very well? WhT an amazing opportunity for you...to tell her who her dad was, and how much he loved her, and for you to learn from, and teach his grandchildren about him...And, in turn, you will get a chance to learn from, and bond with his grandchildren. You will get to explain that love is love, no matter wht gender and you will get to see the world through a young persons eyes. Sure, u r sick...but take this opportunity as a learning and teaching experience.  It may not work out as Rosey as I have suggested, but it will be a like experience that you have been offered. Don,t let financial “what if’s” ruin it for you. No matter wht happens, embrace this with open arms...it might turn out badly, or wonderfully...but at least you have been given a CHANCE.  A very good friend of mine has a 2 yr old grand daughter , and seeing the world through her eyes has changed me since I don,t have any grandchildren of my own..and if these kids are older,  you can tell themhow. lol their grandfather really was..or how kind, etc. what a great opportunity you have nbeen given. Let go of your suspicions..and imbrace this knew life you have been given. It might turn out to b wonderful...

Comment by David Heggi on December 19, 2017 at 5:04pm

Thank you Marsha,

I've always been the get it taken care of person, the responsible one in our relationship.  So you can imagine, esp as a man, how difficult it is for me to accept help.  I also have self worth issues naturally lending itself to the $ question. "how can they possibly care about me if I didn't have an income"  Which is OK.  I like to think of it as room and board to cover any false assumptions I may have.  Whew, a lot of every one else's stuff to take on.

Though I can actually see myself becoming stronger - what does not kill us...

Thank you again, Marsha.

You are a voice of reason.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Marsha H on December 19, 2017 at 3:52pm

Dear David ...  You certainly have had your life full of tragedy, but I know you would do it all over again for David.  

I honestly don't think a $ amount is an issue in this case.  What happens to most of us who are grieving is it is difficult to have been so independent when our spouses were still with us and we never had to ask for much help.  We managed no matter what the problem so once our spouses are gone we find it difficult to accept help from others and yes, I even did to a point.  I felt weak within myself when I'm generally a strong woman.  Even though grief is a horrific journey and one none of us want to go through, I did gain strength from going through my grief and I learned to accept what love I got from others to help me if they could.  Often they do it in their own quiet way and tread very softy around me, but I know it's difficult for family and friends to know at what stage we are in our grief process and also how we will react.  Now, when help is offered to me I accept it with a smile and hopefully can return the favor when I feel I'm stronger.  After nearly 7 years of my beloved Ernie's passing I have gained much strength to move on, but there are times I confess I get a little edgy when someone treats me like I'm a China doll.  I politely tell such people I am stronger, more independent and don't need sympathy, but just loyalty or help every so often.  You will get to this place in your grief one day as well David and I can promise you that.  Right now you just feel vulnerable and needy and I realize that's a lot harder on a man than a woman.  Just enter this new journey which is not long-term with an open heart and let them help you.  You can pay them back at some time in the present and the best gift of all is to say, 'I appreciate everything you have done for me and I love you all the more.)  Those words are worth more than the $ amount.

Take a deep breath my friend and relax.  You are going to be fine and with this new help you are getting remember how you helped David the best you could and now it's simply a gift to you now that you need a little help.  You earned it!

Your friend

Marsha

Comment by David Heggi on December 19, 2017 at 12:58pm

Dear Marsha,

Thank you for your encouragement.

I know that Davids family would not leave me behind. They said it was because they loved me and I was one of their own.

I want to feel it is because they care, and not for what $ I might contribute..  Guess I'm having a hard time discerning this.

I have managed to relearn to walk and swallow with each stroke. David could not help very much.

I was his caregiver, as he had an anyeurism 17 years ago, which left him disabled.

So I could not rely on him taking care of me. With all of this, I still had to take care of him, which I was pleased to do.  I loved him like my brother, my son.  When he was happy I was happy.

Thank you again Marsha

Your friend,

David H

 

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