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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on January 3, 2018 at 11:05pm

Dear Steve, I made my girls all pillows out of Gregs shirts, they loved them . You  might try doing that instead, although it was really hard cutting up some of his shirts but well worth it when I gave them away. but for now you guys need to try to enjoy each other and not go crazy trying to do everything at once, love Debbie

Comment by Steve on January 3, 2018 at 11:14am

Hi Debbie,

Thank you so much for your kind words - I admit that I am a little proud of myself too for doing all this without messing up the whole process...I'm not known among those who know me well as someone with a logical or business-like mind - more the opposite in truth.

The quilt is absolutely beautiful, and what an incredibly loving gift to have! I have saved a number of Larry's shirts, and some of his ties - he was such an old-school kind of guy, and wore suits and ties to occasions where these days people show up in jeans. I have some ideas of things I may attempt to make, but now I wish I had saved more to do exactly the same thing! Thank you for sharing that photo - if I make anything (once there is a room cleared enough to set up my sewing machine) I will share it here with you.

Stay warm, and as yo feel Greg's arms around you know that he is in fact doing just that...

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Steve on January 3, 2018 at 11:00am

Dear Mary Jane,

Thank you dear friend - you complete get my feelings about Christmas while staring around at my life in endless boxes and feeling like nothing seems familiar or like home - yet. Every so often Steve approaches me with a look of apprehension holding the pieces of something that didn't survive the move intact. I imagine he hopes I won't either get angry or burst into tears, but actually I just take a quick look, like some form of triage, and either say it can be fixed or pitch it. The only two things I truly cared about getting through this crazy experience without being broken is us!!!

We do plan to take our time as we unpack, although once Steve, bless his energetic heart, get's a bee in his bonnet about finding something in one of those endless boxes I might as well give up on talking him out of it - I'm much lazier, and "Fiddle-de-dee - tomorrow is another day" has been my mantra stolen from Scarlet O'Hara! His work ethic does shame me into getting up and starting to attack those boxes holding my studio stuff, or my doll collection, which so far has held no "surprises" - fingers crossed there.

I too saw the beautiful full moon overnight on New Year's Eve - our smoke detectors decided to malfunction and go off waking us and forcing us to disconnect them - don't worry, we're going out today for new ones to install for our safety.

I do so hope that you do really take from my move some inspiration about your own possessions and facing moving some day. It sounds corny and trite, but please believe me that if I can do it, then you can also - and if you need any boxes, we seem to have a few around that you are welcome to!

Love, Chuck

Comment by Steve on January 3, 2018 at 10:40am

Hi Sara,

You are so sweet to say such wonderful things about my "courage" - I see myself as more of the "cowardly lion", although I do quote Dorothy often these days when walking into new places, saying to Steve "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" You're right, and thank for reminding me that the people I meet don't have the first hand experience of grieving a spouse, so say what is meant as kind and sympathetic things. I am quite pleasantly surprised that when I say "my husband Larry" nobody yet has even batted an eye or hesitated for a second. A few "northern" friends worry that I have stumbled into some backward place where I will be treated unkindly, or worse. So far, that is not my experience at all, and short of wandering into some biker bar by mistake, I think Steve and I are as safe here as we would be anywhere.

I know it's awfully cold where you are, and hope you stay safe and warm as this brutal winter persists - if you need a break, jump on a plane and come visit - our door is always open to family!

Love, Chuck

Comment by Steve on January 3, 2018 at 10:28am

Dear Marsha,

Thank dear sister for your loving and encouraging words. I always know that when I discuss my honest feelings here you and everyone will "get it" and keep me going forward. It's funny that you talk about having an exit, because that is exactly what Steve said to me one day in NJ when I was having a panic attack about moving. He waited until I was done listing all the reasons why I couldn't do this then looked at me calmly and said in a very gently way that I needed to get out of there for financial, practical, and especially health reasons. After reviewing what all those were, he said that wherever we moved, and whatever we decided, I just needed to remember that if it didn't work out and we weren't happy there, we would go someplace else - in short, our options were always open as long as we believed there was a future for us, both together and individually.

You are right about Texans - whether in restaurants or at church, or just checking out at Lowe's, everyone is friendly and welcoming, and all are interested in where I'm from and why I moved. I usually try for the brief answer, but if a conversation ensues I say that I lost Larry almost 3 years ago and am now, for better or worse, here in Texas because it's where God put me - He has a reason, and I'm just trying to keep myself open to whatever that reason may be.

Indeed it was difficult, but you my friend have said to me more times than I can count that I am stronger than I realize and that I would survive my lowest and darkest times to emerge from them a little bit better and more peaceful every time. Your words are so true, and again I thank you for gently talking me through those times. I don't kid myself that there won't be more of them ahead, but knowing I have you on my side gives my the courage to lift up my head and keep walking - or in my case shuffling - full steam ahead.

Keep warm Marsha, and sending many hugs! Love, Chuck

Comment by Steve on January 3, 2018 at 9:56am

Hi David,

Thanks for your wishes - I hope that when the time comes for you to move you find yourself surrounded by as many angels as Steve and I did! People we hadn't met before ended up being so actively involved both with the paperwork/inspection/permit nightmare surrounding the sale of the NJ house and with the actual exhausting physical work of sorting/disposing/packing mountains of things accumulated over my 3 years there with Larry.

Be encouraged David by the fact that if you keep repeating to yourself that you will one day have this behind you and feel amazed and grateful at the way God and all the angels surrounding you are going to make this happen! 

Be well - love, Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on January 2, 2018 at 8:09pm

This is a quilt that my girls had made for me for Christmas out of some of Gregs clothes, I feel like I'm wrapped in his arms when I'm laying under it

Comment by deborah peck on January 2, 2018 at 8:06pm

I haven't been on here since before Christmas as my back is still hurting to sit very much. Chuck I cant imagine trying to figure out a new life with a new partner in a new state at Christmas time, your emotions must be all over the place. I for one am very proud of you and Steve and where you've come from until now, it takes a lot of courage so just keep going one day at a time but I also hope you guys are enjoying being with each other and relaxing some  your friend Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 2, 2018 at 11:42am

Dear Chuck....God bless you. I promise it will get better. Moving AT ALL is a horrible thing..moving under those circumstanses  is a nightmare at best, but moving during the chaos of Christmas is unimaginable. 

This holiday season was so horrible for me..I ended up in bed with Epstein Barr for 3 Days...something that hasn,t happened for years, not even after Bob died. So I cannot even BEGIN to imagine how horrid it was/is for you, and Steve. All those cheery F*****g people, joy, and other BS...but you DID it!

as for the people saying insipid things...so what’s new about that? They have always said insensitive things, because they don,t know what to say, and if you think about it, WE don,t know what to say when we are faced with someone who has lost a loved one. (By “we” I mean not us at Legacy, but in our daily life)...and always will...it just cut deeper now, cuz we’re all supposed to b so bloody cheerful and happy bla bla ba at this joyful season. What a load of crap. I am so sorry you had to deal with all that you did. Merry Christmas my a$$! 

New Year’s Eve was also a nightmare. This is the first time I had ever in 71 years been alone that night. You have STeve, and it is going to be ok. 

Now, I want both of you to do this: take time to relax. I am serious.

don,t worry about rushing to unpack...there is lots of time for that...make it a fun thing, not a chore. I sit here every morning, look around at all the stuff I have to sort, and I can,t even do the simplest thing. I am too overwhelmed...but YOU did it! You give me hope, and never forget, you are loved...

oh, and the cold weather in Dallas is very unusual...so it won,t b this way next year. Also, I woke up at 6 am New Year’s Day, and there was the most beautiful full moon outside my window...so I am going to take it as an omen...for all of us to have a much better year than last. Bye my friend.

Comment by Diane C on January 2, 2018 at 11:33am

Happy New Year to all of my friends here on Legacy. I do not post often, but I do tend to read the messages when I have time. I for one have been having to deal with several "feet" of snow and not just several inches anymore. I spent New Years homebound. Which is ok, as I really had no plans to bring in the new year anyway. I hope that everyone has a very Peaceful New Year.

 

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