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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on January 8, 2018 at 10:22pm

I am so sorry that you had to go through this at such a young age and marriage.  I cannot say anything more or better than Sara just wrote.  This is a tough journey with bad days, ok days, and everything in between.  Grief is merciless and relentless, but with time and perseverance the pain will lessen. 

I will be thinking of you,

David H

Comment by Steve on January 8, 2018 at 10:19pm

Dear Rebecca,

I am so sorry for all the pain you have had to, and continue to endure. This group, which I joined over 2 years ago and think of as my Legacy family, has given me such understanding and support that I wonder often where I would be had I not found it. This truly is a place of healing, and of openly sharing our feelings with others who will understand without judging no matter how desperate we sound. I lost my husband Larry to cancer in April of 2015, after being told only 7 months before of his diagnosis as terminal. I relate to your saying how you began grieving before you lost Jim, because the day in the doctors office when he talked of only buying time I too began my grieving, although I didn't know that at the time.

Please be gentle with yourself, because although time passes and we re expected to "move on", there is no forgetting our loneliness for our lost loves, no matter how many months or years go by.

I send my prayers and wishes for you to find some peace and respite from your tears whenever and wherever possible - and hope you will continue to share with us, because we truly do care.

With love,

Chuck 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 8, 2018 at 9:57pm

Rebecca....Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.  You were both so young to have gone through so much.  I can relate because my husband was also ill and we spent his last few years in and out of hospitals.  He way only 52 when he passed which will be two years this weekend.  I really wish I could say something to take the pain away but all of us here know the loss of a soul mate is deep and forever.  There are okay days and bad days but because they're in our hearts everyday, it still hurts everyday.  You have come to the right place.  We all understand and can help each other along during our journeys.  I hope you'll stay with us and continue to post.

I'm sending positive, healing thoughts your way.

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 8, 2018 at 9:30pm

Mary Jane.....Last April I began keeping a notebook of my dreams of Ken.  I make sure to put the date of the dream and all the details I can remember because they can fade fast.  There are many nights though where I know I had a dream of him because I can feel it but I can't remember any of it.  That's why I started writing them down and I'm glad I did.  You may not want to remember this particular dream but there will be others that you do.

Comment by Rebecca Aughenbaugh on January 8, 2018 at 11:28am

Hello Everyone. 

I am new here. So please excuse me interrupting your thread. 

I have been feeling so sad and helpless for quite a while now. 

I meet my husband Jim in 1992. He was American. Stationed at RAF Mildenhall UK. He was 26, and I was 21. It was love at first sight. We moved in together after a week. Engaged four months later, pregnant a month after that, then married 3 months later. We had moved from the UK to California.  

Everything was great, except nearly dying having our son!!.

Life ticked on until 1998. Jim was so ill. I took him to the ER, and the Doctor said he probably had an ulcer. I don't know why but I said it wasn't that and could they do tests. A few days later we were called in to be told  Jim had stage 4 Colon cancer, and a grapefruit sized tumour in his colon. Jim had chemo, and surgery. It seemed as if all was good. We had a couple more years of happiness and living life. At his 2 year check up we were told the cancer was back and had spread. It was terminal. I took care of him at home. He had a couple of big surgeries to remove tumours, and began chemo, he wanted to be with us as long as he could.  He was quite weak, but wanted to work one day a week to keep our medical. A few weeks later I received a phone call that he had been found on the ground of a parking lot and had had a massive stroke. When I saw him he was paralysed on one side, and couldn't speak.He did regain full movement. But couldn't speak properly, and didn't know what things were and called. He seemed to know who I was, but not his son. He was about 13 mentally they thought. He had therapy and got a little better. We were given 6 months to a year. Jim passed 18 months later at the age of 36. I was a widow at 31 with a 9 year old son. I had taken care of Jim at home. So he died in my arms. I kissed him and lay there with him until I had to let them take him. I remember something strange happened.

After Jim was taken, I had gone upstairs, and on the floor was a photo negative strip. It was four negatives of our wedding day. I had no idea how it got there, as the negatives were all in a completely different place. I didn't know what to think.....

I went to view Jim in the coffin before he was cremated. I kissed his lips and said goodbye. The funeral was lovely. So many people came. He was so loved and respected.

Up til then I had been so busy taking care of him, then the funeral. I had already grieved for the 18 months that I knew Jim was going to die. So I just pulled up my bootstraps and became mum and dad to our son.  In 2009 we moved to the UK. I married again to a man who was a closet alcoholic and very abusive. I divorced him and carried on with life. I dated someone for a year or so. But none of them came close to Jim. I have been single 3 years now. And my son is happily married living in London. 

I just can't stop crying and wishing Jim was here. I keep remembering little things about our life together, that I had forgotten. I cry most days, especially when I see friends cekebrating 25 plus years of marriage, and wish that I was too. I want to wake up and have my American GI next to me. He would be 51 right now. Still so young. 

So that's my story.

I hurt. I am lonely. And I miss my husband so much, the pain hurts my heart. I just don't know how heal. I don't think I ever will. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 8, 2018 at 4:17am

Mary Jane ...  I agree with David.  Even though you don't like the feeling of remembering that dream so vividly throughout the day believe it or not it the beginning of healing through your grief.  When looking after a spouse who has a terminal disease until the end of life or even sudden death of a spouse our brain blocks out the painful part which enables us to appear strong for them and try to encourage and be there for them the best we can.  I believe every single person on this forum at one time or another has questioned themselves as to whether they did enough to try and save their spouse; what could I have done better, did I do everything possible.  As humans we sometimes feel we can control situations and many we can, but death know no age and is relentless.  Now you are have those panicky dreams because you are growing stronger and realizing that there was nothing else you could do.  Our spouses knew we loved them and did the best we could and they loved us.  

My dream was being in a unique little shop with Ernie and he appeared as he did in his 20's.  It must have been the late 1960's (hippy era) and I went into another room to look around.  When I came out he was standing by this pretty hippy girl with is arm around her waist, look straight at me and said he didn't love me anymore.  Of course, like you when I woke up I was so upset and that dream lingered with me throughout the day and I thought of it often after that.  Then I realized for some reason that when Ernie passed away I felt somewhat guilty as if I hadn't done enough mixed in with he didn't feel I did enough and abandoned me through death.  After that I started to heal and realized how much stronger I became and yes, he loved me and I loved him and it still is the same feeling.

Comment by David Heggi on January 7, 2018 at 10:16pm

Mary Jane,

It was a dream of complete helplessness; the same you felt Bob when Bob was alive.

I think, as a nonprofessional, that it is a good thing you are beginning to remember what your mind had blocked out as a kind of survival mechanism. Maybe you don't need it now, and can handle the memories.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 7, 2018 at 9:30pm

I don,t know if this is a good or bad thing, but I am strting to remember my dreams. Last night..(I will give you the very short version..) I had driven into an underground parking lot...I had BOb with me...he was alive, but had cancer, and I knew I HAD to get him medical care...suddenly our car was gone..someone told it. BOb was beside me, in a sort of canvas bag...and I was frantic. There were lots of people, who were trying to help me find my car...by then I was hysterical...cuz I knew Bob would die unless I found the car and could get him medical help..at that point, I woke up..knowing it was too late. As hard as I tried to save him, he had died anyway. As I awoke further, the dream wore off, but the feeling of complete helplessness hasn,t left me all day. 

I also noticed tiny bits of simple memory are starting to return..I wonder if that is a good sign or a bad one?

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 4, 2018 at 9:26pm

Hi Chuck,  I just read your reply about visiting if I need a break from the cold and I'll tell you what.....after the 15 inches of snow we got today followed by another brutally cold weekend ahead, I would be on the first plane out if planes were actually going anywhere.  Don't be surprised if I take you up on the offer at some point in the future.

Comment by Marsha H on January 4, 2018 at 5:42am

Dearest Chuck ...  When too many changes hit us often we can become panicky or second-guess ourselves.  I know, I've been there before.  I was raised as a city girl, married at 22 to my first husband and we were hardly married when he was stationed up North to help build dam.  I was young and in love, but when I saw the wilderness, lots of dirt, heavy equipment, found out there were over 4500 men and only 400 women I cried for days.  I was so lonely, but eventually got a good job with Hydro and made Confidential Secretary.  I felt lose and lonely at first, but the people there were so very friendly.  Before long I was pulled apart by the city life and the wilderness life.  When our contract was up and we had to come back to Vancouver there was such a huge surprise party for us and I bawled my eyes out knowing I would miss all of them so very much.  So, my friend, Texas is a good place and if it doesn't work out as Steve says there is that 'exit.'  Nothing is stationary unless you want it to be.  Love is too strong to keep you both apart.  

I have met many Texans when Ernie was building yachts and not one was unfriendly.  They seem alive, full of fun and mention a party then you'd better get your dancing shoes on.  LOL  

I also suffered from panic attacks very badly back in the late 70's and the way I got over it was 'the exist.'  I was in control of my own destiny so my dear brother, realize that and you'll never have to use that exit.  

You have made me laugh so often when I've been down and I thank you for that.  Knowing the difficulties that you have been through yet help us all even makes you more precious to me.  I think of you often.

I would like to suggest you keep a journal of your adventures and again I say you have such a fantastic knack for writing where people can't stop reading your posts that I do feel you should write a book.  You'd be fantastic!  I can see as well that Steve has a similar talent so why not write a book together.  I'll buy it!  

Love you both lots my brothers and think of you often.

Your Sis Marsha

 

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