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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on January 12, 2018 at 11:16am

Mary Jane, I think on here everyone should feel free to express their feelings, that is what this sight is for, not to be judged,

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 12, 2018 at 7:14am

David! Thank u so much for responding. It was the first thing I read this morning, as I got up at 6am for a Dr visit, and opened my iPad to see if anyone would/had, as the silence of no response was devastating..The people here and their feedback at Legacy means so much to me. In a sense, that experience was almost like loosing him again...and the inability to communicate was horrible. But I know he is ok...but the sadness in his eyes...I expected joy, and calm...ok I am rattling on again...

but the thoughts and suggestions and support of everyone at Legacy is my lifeline, and I thank you again for your response. 

Comment by David Heggi on January 12, 2018 at 5:52am

You were not unable to relate, Mary Jane.  You verbalized your feelings as you experienced them.  No matter what anyone may think or say, it was real.  I had a similar experience.  Mary Jane, do you realize what a breakthrough this was for you personally?  Most of us can only wish, hope and pray to see our loved ones again.

And you did not overstep any boundaries here.  You have been very fortunate.  It should help you to reconcile your loss of Bob

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 9:20pm

I guess I should have kept that to myself..but I had to tell it, as a catharsis. I wish all of you contact with your loved ones who are gone..and the inability of me to verbalize my feelings or know his, was a huge disappointment. I know I am blessed to have been able to see him, to know he was ok...but it was so different than I ever expected, I DIDN,t know what to think, and was hoping someone here had a similar experience, and could share. 

I think I may have overstepped some boundary here..and for that I apologize. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 2:58pm

Ok...sorry if this is difficult to follow..and also, I made one mistake in the telling. I DIDN,t walk to the dining room table, one second I was looking out the front door, the next I was standing there, looking down at the table..it is nine steps from the door to the table, but I never walked...I was transported there..yes sooo weird.

LAST PART OF SEEING BOB:

As I stood there, I heard the front door open...I looked up, and Bob had opened the door, and walked in. I can not describe the absolute SHOCK and JOY I felt! He was younger, thinner, no grey hair..and his eyes were a deeper blue...BOB WAS HERE! After praying for a visit for 2 years..HE WAS HERE!!  I tired to speak, but was totally unable to...the shock had taken away my voice and all I could do was GASP..over and over during the entire episode...one gasp per second..I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, loved him...etc, but all I could do was suck in my breath over and over. I wanted to walk over and hug him, but I was frozen to the floor and couldn,t move...so he walked over to me...to b closer...he tried to talk to me....but his speech was like a 78 record played at 45 speed..so slow I couldn,t understand what he was saying. I was SOOOO frustrated, and I wanted to hold him...but I was paralyzed. By then, he was at arms length so I tried to lift my LEFT ARM to hug him...but I couldn,t...BECAUSE MY ARM WAS ACTUALLY INSIDE THE FABRIC HOUSE, and my CAT was weighing down my arm...I could feel the fur, and softness and warmth of my kitty as I stood there trying to hold BOb but wasn,t able to do so. 

His eyes were filled with love, and SADNESS...and I got the message he was trying to tell me he was sorry he had to die, and leave me. MEANWHILE I could still feel myself lying in bed...and as the seconds ticked on...the dining room began to fade...and the bedroom became more real...I was coming out of what ever dimension I was in...but HE HUGGED ME as the entire thing faded...and I was fully back under the blanket, with Rudy still sleeping on my arm. 

I started crying...still gasping for air...but calmer now.

i got the feeling his message was to reassure me that he was ok..thankfully, as that is what I really wanted to know, that he would always love me.. and that it had taken great effort on his part to connect with me in that way.

It WASN’T a dream...we would have been able to speak in a dream. Ok, maybe some of it like the beginning was sort of a dream...but also so much more. 

My daughter said it sounded like an OUT of BODY experience...but I never “floated” anywhere..  I KNOW it was Bob! 

I used to wish for and dream of this happening...but this was so strange, and upsetting, but comforting..as I now know he is ok, and was sad he died and left me...but I have done nothing but ponder this..for 3 Days...and it has made me wanting so much MORE. 

Also, if something like this happens to anyone else here..Don,t GOOGLE it! Stick to any mental message you received and not what lame authors suggest messages might b. I was so afraid I would loose the contact of feeling him here after this...but I still feel he is here with me. Again, my stupid fears almost ruined this wonderful thing. 

Thanks for reading this...and if anything like this happens or HAS happened, please let us know. I guess we all have different experiences...and I will pray for another visit where we can communicate better. This kinda left me unsatisfied, and wanting more...I wanted to TELL him so much...but couldn,t.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 10:10am

Part 2...the set up:

it was Tuesday afternoon, and was in bed, still in my clothes, for a nap. I take them often in the afternoon between 2-4 pm.  On my bed next to me,  was a small fabric house, that my cat Rudy was asleep in..I crawled under the covers at 2pm, fully dressed, lying on my right side, facing Rudy’s house. My head was resting on my right arm, and (this is important to note) my left arm was across my body, and INSIDE Rudy’s house...I do this often...he lies on my arm cuz it’s warm, and purrs and falls asleep..it’s a sort of bonding...

I lied awake for an hour, unable to sleep, I noted the time then, 3:15...and I was thinking I should get up, as I was still not that sleepy...and the next thing I remember,I was standing in the foyer looking outside through the large oval window in the door. There was a multitude of packages outside on my porch...I counted 7, but DIDN,t open the locked door...I just walked the few steps to my dining room table, and started looking down at some letters etc.

AT NO TIME DID I EVER NOT FEEL MY BODY STILL LYING INSIDE MY BED. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS WEIRD! BUT I WAS FULLY AWARE THAT MY PHYSICAL BODY WAS STILL IN BED...I could feel the mattress, the blanket and MOSTLY I could feel the weight of my kitty asleep on my arm which was still inside his little fabric house. The only way I can describe it, is I felt like I had been TRANSPORTED to the dining room, while my body was still lying in bed

Ok, now you have the visual...I am sorry to be so long and detailed, but I really want to explain it because I have had a “dream visit”  40 years ago, after my father died...which is how I thought if I ever saw Bob again, is how it would be. This was Totally different...ok...that is the set up..sorry, breavity is NOT in my telling this story...so thank you for your patience.

Part 3 coming up...hopefully in a few hours...this has been so difficult to write...but it is almost finished. Also, the fact that my cat has his full weight on my arm in bed s very Important. Bye for now

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 11, 2018 at 9:37am

Hi guys...part 2 is coming up...and thank you for all your comments..but it wasn,t like I always imagined it would be..as I prayed since he died, for a visit. I think my absolute SHOCK at seeing him kinda ruined it...as I couldn,t SPEAK...all during the visit, I was GASPING for breath over and over again..hyperventilating (which I have never done before in my life)

and this has left me so upset..because I WASN’T asleep...but I am getting ahead of myself...so part 2, THE SET UP is my next post.(I have spent nearly 3 Days in dis belief, and at loss for words, which y’all know is unlike me)...so I apologize...

Comment by David Heggi on January 10, 2018 at 8:51pm

I hope that my David's grandchildren will always remember how much he loved them

Comment by Tammy on January 10, 2018 at 8:28pm

Our 3 year old grand daughter lives with us  Since my husbands passing 31 days ago she  has wanted to sleep (in her words) "Pawpaw's spot".  So she has been sleeping with me.  I can hear her laughing and talking to her Pawpaw at night in her sleep.  She is so young now.  I hope she will always remember how much he loved her.  

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 10, 2018 at 4:21pm

Oh David...you are so right in saying that it would be a godsend to see our loved ones as Mary Jane did! I would give anything in the world  just to know they are ok and waiting for us. It would make our having to wait so very much easier....if only!!!!! I too believe with my whole being that they are. Again....if only! I pray for us all to be able to find some peace and comfort in some way. As of yet, it eludes me.

 

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