Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1346
Latest Conversations: 14 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on Tuesday

Dear Deborah ....  I am so very sorry to hear about the tragedy of your friend.  Losing a child is bad enough and I can see why your friend and her husband stuck so close together after their daughter's death and now so sadly she has had her husband pass away.  All you can do is be there when you can and give her a hug.  Words don't have to be spoken.  You do have something in common as far as grieving for your spouses.  When the time is right perhaps suggest one-on-one grief counseling for your friend.  Hospices offer some wonderful grief counseling.  I know also that grief is a lonely journey all of us must take in 'our time frame' and it leaves us frustrated when someone else we know is going through the same thing.  Just do what you can and if need be cry together.

I just said a prayer and I'm going my Bible Study meeting this Thursday and will add both of you into our group prayer.

Comment by deborah peck on Tuesday

My dear childhood friends husband died suddenly yesterday, we were all together all the time, prayeers are needed for her, her daughter died 5 years ago and she has become a recluse with her husband doing all the shopping and everything, don't know how she will get thru this horrible time and don't know if I'm able to help her

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 13, 2018 at 10:45pm

Ok, the only family I have here in OK is Bobs sister, her daughter and hubby, and 3 grown kids...and my niece calls me if she doesn,t hear from me in a few SIL calls when it occurs to her, as she is getting. Little senile...I call my niece if I need her to drive me somewhere, as I DO NOT KNow how to drive ...but in reality, I think they are afraid to call, cuz they don,t want to catch me in a depressed  mood, as they don,t know what to say. 

I think the loss of words, or fear of us “unloading” on them, so to speak, prevents contact..but I could be wrong. I imagine they think we should “be over it” by now...and if not, the fear of us NOT being “over it” prevents a lot

Now, my daughter, who lives in CA, calls me several times a day..bless her heart..and visits as frequently as she can...and wants to pack me up ASAP and move back to CA, but I just CAN’T seem to do it. I am frozen here..afraid of moving, and I know time is just slipping by...and thankfully I have two women who started out as neighbors, and morphed into very close friends, who  go out of their way to take me to Dr appts, and to get groceries...they have been a Godsend..

but if we really think about we REALLY want to talk to these friends and relatives frequently? I don,t. I am afraid I will seem like the POOR ME person, I imagine them diliberately not answering the phone.. and I don,t want their pity. I would rather contact them on MY terms. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 13, 2018 at 9:48pm

Debbie.......You're right, family and friends stop checking on us within a few months.  I think maybe they see us going through the motions to get through a day and assume that means we're ok.  They would be wrong.

Comment by deborah peck on January 13, 2018 at 5:57pm

The dates are so hard, yesterday was 8 months since I last held Greg and its so hard, its also so sad that most of my family doesn't check on my girls  or me anymore, I guess the don't realize the pain has no time limit and we are still just existing

Comment by Marsha H on January 13, 2018 at 3:57pm

Michele ...  Don't give up because one day you will get a visitation from your husband.  He is near you for sure even though you may not hear him or see him.  I have experienced so many things since my beloved Ernie passed away.  

Also, if you have a pet watch the pet.  Animals do see or hear what we can't.  I have 2 small dogs and sometimes they'll be playing and suddenly stop, look at a certain spot and wag their tails and I know Ernie is there then.  I also talk to Ernie every done in my home or in the car at times.  Keeping in contact that way is more apt to help you have a visitation.

From books I've read on people who pass away they say that depending on how ill the person is it takes time for them to rejuvenate themselves before visiting their loved ones.

Comment by Marsha H on January 13, 2018 at 3:53pm

David ... that was such a beautiful story you told and thank you for sharing as it certainly gives us all hope.

Comment by Marsha H on January 13, 2018 at 3:52pm

Sarah ...  I know these Anniversaries are so difficult.  To this very day I get an Anniversary card for Ernie, then get a helium balloon and write love notes on it and take it down to the river he loved and let it fly to the heavens.  Something liberating about that.

I am so happy you did have some visitations from Ken.  After almost 7 years of Ernie's passing although we may not see them or they don't speak to us when I'm at a low point in my life and feel like giving up I can feel him there.  If I need help (I live alone and no children) I will often talk to Ernie out of frustration and believe it or not minutes later the phone rings and it's either my neighbor Dan or a young man that does help me asking if there is anything they can do for me.  It happens all the time so to me that proves our loved ones hear us.

I'll be thinking of you today and wish you another visitation from Ken.  

Comment by David Heggi on January 13, 2018 at 2:14pm

What an amazing visit you had with Ken.  If it happened once, it may happen again - and again... The peace it must bring you to know he's ok, and you are still united.

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 13, 2018 at 1:54pm

Today is the 2 yr anniversary since I lost everything.  My life ended the day I lost Ken. 

I see some posts about visitations and I wish I would have a strong visit from Ken although I did have 2 very quick ones.  First was within a week of his death when I heard him say "hi".  It was about 5am and I heard it enough that I moved my head towards it to see who was there.  The second was a few weeks later, again early morning, when I heard him say "heeey yooou" so long and drawn out as he was trying to get his voice to break through the dimensional walls.  He opened our bedroom door and I sat up and he bent down and we hugged each other.    How I wish I would see him again.


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