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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2018 at 8:46pm

   PART 1: of Bobs “visit”

i Haven,t posted the last few days, as something MAJOR happened to me yesterday afternoon...I still am unsure how to write it down, and I am still absolutely STUNNED at what happened, and I want to get my emotions in check b4 I do...but yesterday, after almost 2 years being gone, BOB opened the front door and walked into our house. Yes, of course, it wasn,t really him, but although I was lying on my bed trying to take a nap, I wasn,t fully asleep either...I am forming the details in my head, so when I write the entire episode, I won,t ramble, and I will be as concise as possible. My daughter thinks it was an OUT OF BODY experience, as although Bob and I we were facing each other very close, at the front entrance, I was very aware my body was lying on my bed...but at the same time, I felt TRANSPORTED to the front door.

now you have some idea of why this is so difficult to write...and to explain..but I will try to organize what happened More to come tomorrow.

MJ

Comment by David Heggi on January 9, 2018 at 5:46pm

After a long battle death is almost a promise of comfort of relief;  I think about it as an exit when life becomes unbearable.  Is there a larger purpose for our pain that is beyond our understanding?  Maybe - I hope so..

Comment by Steve on January 9, 2018 at 4:09pm

Christine,

I get what you are saying and understand completely how you feel. Some 25 years ago, my sister was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer and was given a timeline of maybe 6 months. She was in terrible physical pain and she had agreed to chemo treatments up until they began to make her weak and sick. Everyone in the family including her two boys were wanting her to go continue with the treatments, even though she and we were all told that it may or may not extend her life and no guarantees that the cancer would slow down it’s growth.
I cannot speak for anyone else in my family except myself, I felt as if she was giving up and for a time I was actually angry with her. As I saw her quality of life improve, I began to understand but could still not bring myself to accept the fact that she was going to die. I can look back now and see how selfish I was, she was tired of living in pain and with pain with every single breath she took.
Loosing Mark just 3 years ago this past November, that day he took his last breath as I watched, drove home to me the pain of living for my sister. At the time of his death I did not recognize this, it would be months later as I was living in raw grief that I began to think of myself in ways I had never thought of before. I questioned why I was still here, I was 17 years older than he, why not me instead of him. I even began to think of ways to end my life as the pain of grief was overwhelming. By no choice of mine, my life began to change in ways that I am still at a loss to explain or even understand.
This post is in no way meant to change or validate how you feel and I certainly do not have any great insights to pass along. I think what I am trying to say is that I know all to well the pain of living with pain waiting for death and the pain of living out my life while dealing with grief each and every day.

“When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors.
I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question ‘Death, where is thy sting?’ with ‘it is here in my heart and mind and memories.”….by Maya Angelou

We never know what tomorrow brings and I find myself waking each day with a little more understanding about what it means to be alive.

Hugs to you cause you need them!

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 9, 2018 at 12:04pm

Dear Steve,   thank you so much for posting this song. It made me cry but that's ok. It's been two months and this raw grief is so hard to b are. The 19 th of this month I will find out when I'm having breast surgery. Friends and family are ok with me not wanting chemo but a couple of well meaning friends have said I'm being selfish when they find out I'm not going to have radiation either. I'm not upset with them because they are trying to shock me into having it because they want me to live. I get that. They don't understand this terrible pain . I hope that with any luck I won't make it thru the surgery. Anything can happen and the surgeon says that I'm in too good of health for me not to take care of this. Again, I get it. But they are not here when I wake up in the morning and  realize I have another long day aheAd of me without him. Attitude is everything and mine sucks. They think that in six months I will feel differently and it will be too late. No,that won't happen. They don't know how much I hurt if they did they would let me go. They don't understand but I know all of you here do.here, I can express my true feelings. Thank god for this site.

Comment by deborah peck on January 9, 2018 at 11:49am

Steve I listened to the song you posted on youtube, its beautiful

Comment by Steve on January 9, 2018 at 9:45am

Song lyrics by Danny Gokey

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

Comment by deborah peck on January 9, 2018 at 7:57am

Dear Rebecca, I'm so sorry for your loss, its such a lonely journey to go thru as most everyone cant understand your feelings but everyone on here has been thru it so it does help. I just recently lost my second husband to death its been 7 months and is still so hard, I too was 31 when my first husband passed away at 36, He passed away while I slept next to him from undiagnosed heart disease and I too was left with little ones, the youngest being 7 years old, was truly a shock to us all and spent up until now wondering why, now his death is shoved to the back of my mind while I deal with the death of my 2nd husband. But I am living proof that you do go on because you have to, you have his child to raise and mine were my saving grace in that I had to keep on moving for them but don't make the mistake that I need and shove your own grief aside or you will forever be grieving for him if you don't take the time for yourself, don't get me wrong, you will forever miss him and still at times cry for him as I don't think that ever goes away but you will learn how to deal with it , does this make since? take care of yourself, Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2018 at 5:59am

Rebecca ...  I am sorry I forgot to answer on the experience yo had of negatives of your wedding day soon after Jim passed.  Believe it or not (counselors will try to tell you otherwise) it's a sign Jim left behind for you to find.  Often birds, finding coins throughout the house, a feeling someone is close to you while in your home are all signs.  Some people never believe it, but here is one experience with witness' I had:

A few months after Ernie passed away of course I was in shock still and I was on the computer to get my mind off things.  I have two small dogs who lay on the sofa behind me.  My husband Ernie had to get up at 4:20 AM on work days and went to be at 9 PM and at least once he would get up in his sleep to go to the washroom.  I heard the toilet seat go up, heard the sound of urinating and decided I was losing my mind.  All of a sudden my dogs jumped down and went into the washroom which was dark.  I was curious so I followed them and quickly turned on the light.  I couldn't see Ernie of course, but my dogs were looking way up where Ernie's face would be (he was 6' 6" tall) and wagging their tails like crazy.  It's then I knew he was still with me and I found strength from that.  No one knows for sure what happens to people when they pass away and I feel our spouses may visit every so often to see how we are doing and to give us strength.  Jim is around you and those negatives just didn't happen to fly off a shelf.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2018 at 5:51am

Dear Rebecca ....  My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband and I am so sorry that he passed at such a young age and also not having a lengthily marriage as many plan to have.  Although I know these words won't mean much to you I do believe it, 'It is better to have loved than to never love at all.'  Most of us here have found our soul mates as you have and none of us were prepared to lose them.  They will forever be in our hearts and minds and I can certainly understand why you can't seem to love anyone else as much.  

My dear husband Ernie passed away April 2011 from pancreatic cancer at the age of 65.  We were unable to have children so I am alone and I do understand now that your son is on his own it is another type of grief of missing him as well.  To this day I still have my odd cries over a memory of Ernie, but it gets less as time goes on and sometimes when I do have a good memory I can smile for a change.  I have grown stronger and you will as well even if you don't think you ever will.  

I also related to you understanding that you were grieving before Jim passed away and I did the same thing.  As long as Ernie was breathing I fought with everything I had to keep him with me, but, he was soul weary and the biggest gift I could give him was permission to let go and pass away.  

I joined this group 6 years ago and still come back every so often and believe me everyone here understands just how you feel and the loneliness you are going through.  I call them 'my angels' because they keep us strong and I found out from this site just how strong I was.  You can talk about anything you like on here and never be judged, but have a feeling of family and understanding with much love attached.  I hope you keep coming back and posting.

A big hug because you need one.

Marsha

Comment by Steve on January 8, 2018 at 10:29pm

Dear Sara,

I hope the last storm didn't cause too much trouble for you...it was a doozy indeed! I am still trying to get myself organized here and am still using Steve's computer until mine gets connected. Sometimes days get by me and so I want to take this moment to tell you that I know this two year anniversary will be difficult for you - for me it was actually almost worse than the first because I suppose I was still a bit in shock. Steve and I will be holding you close in our thoughts - and in our hearts. Sweet friend, you have been here for me more times than I can count, always with the words filled with compassion and love that saw me through the darkest of moments. I wish I could be with you to truly hug you, but I am doing so in my heart for all the coming days.

God Bless You, dear Sara

Love,

Chuck 

 

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