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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

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Comment by Michael Smith on January 19, 2018 at 1:27pm

I have come to realize that I'm not the same person I was before Melanie passed. I was lucky enough to find love again but it is different. they are two different woman and sometimes I long for the love I shared with Melanie. I am a different person. There are so many things that I used to enjoy that only bring memories of what used to be.  I sometimes wish it was me instead of her, for the sake of our boys. She was an awesome mom. I spent time with her family last weekend and it felt weird. than again I'm not a huge fan of hanging around my own family anymore. The sad looks they give me. The questions they really don't want an answer to. Here is to hoping that 2018 brings some closure and much happiness to everyone here.

Hugs 

Mike

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 19, 2018 at 11:20am

Steve.....Happy Heavenly birthday to Mark today.  What a comfort that conversation with Mark must be to you.  I wish I had a similar conversation with Ken.  Maybe then I would feel less guilty about living.  And the thought of ever dating again throws me into a level of guilt I can't describe.  For you to have Mark's blessing to move on until you meet again is everything.  Some day the 4 of you will sit in Heaven and have quite the reminiscing session

Comment by Marsha H on January 19, 2018 at 5:00am

Dear Chuck ...  You expressed about your grief and getting on with life so well and no, those who are in fresh grief are not to that point yet.  We will always have a tear or two run down our cheeks every so often for our spouses, but we are getting stronger in many other ways. 

I know if lucky and I meet someone I will feel exactly like that woman.  It is time now for us to know that we are entitled to happiness and peace in our lives.  They say for some there is only one love in their life, but as humans we need human contact; need to feel needed and wanted.  It's all very normal.  First loves will always stay with us.

I can certainly understand how Steve and you feel about your spouse's special occasions and I can still feel that as well.  Every single occasion throughout the year I still get Ernie a card.  It is normal to mourn your spouses that have passed on and doesn't mean you don't love each other (just a different type of love) and you are so very lucky to have each other.  It is a more peaceful type of relationship which we solely need now as we grow older.

Your friend may not completely understand, but what a blessing they try.  That's all I ask.  I hope you and Steve truly believe that Mark and Larry made sure the two of you met, so hold that torch high, go forward in your new life together with a smile and the wisdom both of you learned from your spouses and 'pay it forward.'

Homesickness is a bump in the road in comparison to all the grief you and Steve have gone through.  You will be fine and as I said, 'you always have an exit' if you really don't like living there.  No one is ever trapped in such a situation.  Give it some time as Texans are friendly.  Don't try their Chili, you'll never survive and breath fire from every orifice of your body! LOL

It is so good to see you and Steve post once again on Legacy as we've all missed you.  

Love you more dear brother

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 19, 2018 at 4:47am

Steve ...  I've always been fascinated with her and have read her works for many years.  We sure have something in common and good taste too!  LOL

Love & hugs

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 18, 2018 at 9:47pm

Hi Chuck......So good to see you posting from your own account again.  I didn't realize how much I missed seeing your little profile pic with your posts until I saw it today.

That movie sounds interesting, maybe even a tearjerker?  The line about the quiet happiness is similar to a line from This is Us this pas week.  It's nice when the writer's get it right. 

It's a tough week ahead with both Mark and your birthday.  It's nice that you and Steve really understand each other's continued love of Larry and Mark and how certain dates are filled with emotions that can't be described.  That kind of support is not readily found.  Treasure it!

I know you're home sick for NJ but remember, you're always home when you're on Legacy.

Happy Birthday a few days early.

Love, Sara

Comment by deborah peck on January 18, 2018 at 4:04pm

Mary Jane I talk to Greg al the time I tell him good marning ang good night and what I'm going to do that day but lately when I talk to him I'm mad, I'm mad that the dctors told him if he didn't takehis blood thinners and quit smoking he would die, I begged him and yelled at him when he was alive and told him he was so selfish to make me go thru this again but I think he thought he was invincible, now I yell at him at times for not listening, but it really doesn't matter now does it because he didn't listen and now he is gone and I have to do this again only this time I am alone. So hate this crazy ride

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 18, 2018 at 11:35am

Debbie....I'm so sorry you've been having such difficulty the past few nights.  Nighttime is so much harder.  During the day I can focus on work and get through chunks of time. I still think about Ken through the entire day and have flashes of memory during the day but I'm able to push past it now and focus on whatever I'm working on.  This I couldn't do in the beginning so I guess that's progress.  It's a different story in evening and at night when he becomes my sole focus.  Like you, I miss him so much  and can't believe 2 years have already passed.  What you're feeling now is normal so please don't put too much pressure on yourself. 

Sending a hug your way.

Sara

Comment by Steve on January 18, 2018 at 11:03am

Marsha

I am reading up on Maya Angelou, she is now my go to place for such positive quotes and inspiring poems.  She was an amazing woman.

Mary Jane,

So glad you had a dream visit, consider yourself blessed and hold on to that dream, I often wondered if I would have a dream visit from Mark.  As I think of him often, I remember what he told me before he died, months before he passed on.  We were having one of those conversations about who might or might not go first and he told me that he would not live past 50, this of course lead to deeper discussions on a wide range of topics.  He literally told me that he would not survive if I went first, however, he knew without a doubt, that I on the other hand would and could go on with my life without him.  I asked him how he could be so sure, he replied, you are a survivor, you would grieve and move on, so I do not have to worry about you, you are strong and will survive.  That day is burned into my memory just as much as the day I watched him take his last breath.  Today, I can say he was right, Mark was right about almost everything in life so why would he not be right about me? is the question that I can now answer.  Maybe that day was my dream visit, who knows? I am so thankful that he gave me that memory, maybe that is where my strength comes from.   Mark's birthday is tomorrow and I am OK,  tomorrow he would have been 53.  Happy Birthday Mark...I will always love you and thank you for being a part of my life's journey.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 18, 2018 at 10:26am

Dear Marsha,

Yes, I can now post on my own desktop - thank you Steve! Indeed there will come times, it appears for the rest of our lives, when we will be nearly (or completely) driven to our knees by our ongoing grief. Rightly or wrongly, I now believe that and have been in some odd way making peace with the fact. It may not be the most uplifting or positive message for those in this family so very new into their loss and experiencing the horrible realities of their fresh grief, but it is how I am coping.

For example, we watched a movie the other day where a widow was asked if she was happy now that she was in a new relationship with a man who wanted to marry her. Her reply spoke directly to my own feelings - she said she woke up one day to find that she was forced to say goodbye to so many things in her life...and happiness was one of them. She then said something else eventually flows in to those voids in our life created by loss, and one of those things is very much like happiness, but it is not the variety we knew before. It is quieter, more peaceful, and respects our grieving for our lost love. I suppose that is how I now feel.

Tomorrow is Steve's partner Mark's birthday, and I find myself realizing that those people here in Texas who have known Steve longer than I do not fully comprehend the way these dates stir memories and feelings for us the way this family, with our shared experience understand. Next week is my own birthday, and again it is now permanently colored by my loss of my dear Larry, and arrives awash in memories of the many ways over 32 years he always made it special for me.

A new friend here is trying to understand this dichotomy in our reactions to special occasions, and I love him for that, but here we recognize that from the outside our grief seems perplexing and frustrating at best. People want so to make it better - not knowing that they are on a futile endeavor - all we need from others is the patience to watch and support us as we navigate our own way through these days fraught with sadness and memories.

Anyway, it is nice to feel like I can once more follow and partake in the conversations here, because, as nice as Texas is, I admit I am feeling a bit homesick and lonely. I know, as the saying goes, this too shall pass.

Love to you dear sister,

Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 18, 2018 at 10:17am

Deborah...next month it will b 2 years since Bob died. My basic roll in life was to take care of him..for 49 years. When he died, and now, I felt/feel I have no purpose or direction in life..like I am drowning and he isn,t here to save me. But I always talked to him. All day long, as if he spent his entire time in heaven watching over me..as if he was still here, and could help me, or just be near to me. It was so comforting..so I would try little “tests” to see if he was really still with me. ie: if I lost a pen I just had, I would ask him to find it for me..AND IT WORKED every time. Sometimes the lost object would just appear where I had already looked. If and it would work perfectly...EVERY TIME. It wasn,t that I needed these things done, but THEY WERE VALIDATIONS HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME...even tho he was gone. I can feel him all the time. And without the feeling he is still with me I don,t know what I would do.

When I had that dream visit, although I had prayed for it...I was terrified that he wouldn,t be around me anymore..(I also Googled it, big mistake, and read he might have come to say goodbye. THAT is why I was so upset..I was afraid he might b gone forever, and I I needed him beside me..even tho he is in a different dimension, apparently DIDN,t mean he wasn,t here. Yes, he is still here..I can feel him every minute. I don,t think we ever loose them..we just have to open our hearts to possibilities they are still with us.

Yes, I know it might sound nutty...but I talk to him all day...and if you try...you might feel your husband is still right next to you...I don,t think death means they are gone altogether..but are just on a different plain, and feeling him all day comforts me in ways I cannot explain. I am sure your husband is still right beside you..watching over you...protecting you...and will be for years..until it is time for you to “go home”. Just because we can,t see them, we can feel their presence and take comfort from it. We just have to open our minds, and listen with our hearts

 

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