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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 22, 2018 at 4:17pm

Dear Rebecca ...

I really know how you feel.  It took me 3 years to put a framed picture of my Ernie up and it was the last picture of us together.  Before, I couldn't tolerate even looking at pictures of our lives together before he passed away as I would cry for days.  Today is better and I have so happy I have all those memories to look at.  We were blessed to have those loving years together and not many people had the same love we all shared with our spouses.  

It hurts me as well to see my family members and friends with their spouses celebrating this and that and going on vacations and it's still a sore spot with me.  I am very lonely as well.  Although this may not be the right thing to say at this time I do believe that your Jim will lead you to a man you should be with until you join Jim.  47 is still very young and I'm much older and my chances of finding someone to share part of my life with is very slim.  I know no one can replace either and no one can replace your Jim, but, there are good men out there that can still make your life tolerable, with some joy, peace and happiness.

I am looking at dating sites (Ernie has been gone almost 7 years) and I go onto 'reviews' of what other's say and many of the dating sites are scams or just don't work.  This is all foreign to me as I was use to meeting men the good old fashion way and it was much less dangerous.  None of my friends know of a widower where we might get together and see where it goes, so I've just resigned myself to the fact I will probably be alone.

I know when you re ready Rebecca that you will find someone to be in your life, but you'll never forget Jim.  The fact you feel lonely believe it or not is a good sign that you do need someone to share your hopes and dreams with.   

Comment by Marsha H on January 22, 2018 at 4:00pm

FROM REBECCA ..

Hello everyone ...

I went through a large box today filled with. Photographs. It breaks my heart every time I look at pictures of my beloved husband Jim. I sob with sadness. I miss so badly. It may be 13 years since he passed. But the pain has not lessened. I just don't know what to do to lessen my grief.  My friends are all celebrating 20 plus years of marriage. Their kids are grown. And most are travelling and enjoying time together. I wish that was Jim and I. I am so lonely. And I do worry that at 47, I will never meet another man, and feel love again. Maybe I had my one and only true love.

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 21, 2018 at 9:31pm

Chuck......Yes, that was me.  I've done a lot of reading on the subject of Heaven and as you know, I've gone to a couple Mediums.   Everything I've read and heard is the same....there is no time in Heaven.  I think one of the things I read was something like "a day can seem like a thousand years and a thousand years can seem like a day".   For our loved ones, when we do finally join them it'll seem like they just saw us.  It helps me because I just tell myself that for Ken, it'll be no different than when we leave for work in the morning and see each other again at the end of the day.  We don't grieve that time in between so I hope that's how Ken sees it now.  He suffered enough with his health in this dimension, he doesn't need to suffer waiting for me to join him.

Christine......I know this isn't going to make you feel better because we are the ones suffering here and now.  I too look forward to reuniting with Ken and the thought of possibly being here another 30 years is horrifying but I also have family here to think about.  I hope you'll consider all the people who love you and want you around as long as possible.  When you finally do join Marshall, you'll have thousands of years to be together.   

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 20, 2018 at 6:16pm

Dear Christine,

I can't really put myself in your place, so I feel almost inappropriate commenting, but I have to say this. I agree with Marsha, and can't really add anything to her insightful words. I fully understand how much you want to see and be with Marshall, and I am completely confident that one day that will come to pass. Awhile ago someone on here - Sara maybe? - said she had spoken with someone or read something somewhere and was offered the thought that for our lost loved ones, the time between when we lose them and when we join them is for them like the blink of an eye. For us still here, it is days, months, and years of missing them. I don't know why, but that simple image - Larry blinking and then finding me right there in front of him made me feel so much better. I can wait, so long as I don't think of him worrying or grieving for me. No, I'm not someone the world ever saw as a tower of strength - I cry at commercials on TV for gosh sakes - but believing that there is a reason, however unknowable to me right now, for my still being here gives me reason enough to hang on and do those things necessary to live my remaining mortal life as best I can. 

What you are facing, and your decisions and choices are yours and yours alone - my prayer for you is that your path is guided by Marshall's love for you, and by God's will for you. I believe that both of those things will steer you in the right direction. Just turn down the noise of this world and listen to those voices. I send you my most sincere good vibes and wishes for all to go well for you - God Bless You.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on January 20, 2018 at 3:57pm

Christine ...  I will be praying all goes well with your lumpectomy.  I know it's scary and the 'C' word brings the strongest men to their knees.  I am going through this with a couple of my own friends.  I can certainly understand at this stage of your grief that you would want to join Marshall.  Your doctor is frustrated because he/she knows as grief goes on your mind may well change.  I had my ovaries taken out and was in the same mode of thought you were and just didn't want to wake up from anesthetic, but I did.  Now I am glad to be alive even though I still miss my Ernie.  Life does get better.  Talk to your doctor and if chemo or radiation is short-term (2 - 3 treatments) then think about it.  If it's long-term then you go with how you feel about it.

I don't know where you live in the States, but here in Canada Marijuana is legalized and now they have come out with drops under the tongue that they have discovered not only helps cancer, but a myriad of things.  They also have Gummies with Marijuana for pain as well as creams for aches and pains and my brother is using the cream and it has taken his pain away.  In Virginia the mothers of children who have seizures and ADD finally had medicinal Marijuana passed because it's has stopped the seizures in their children and also families with ADD children find that they are 'getting their children's personalities back.'  I also want to make it clear that by taking the oils, creams, etc., do not give you a high!  Marijuana is processed and other herbs mixed in with it.  This is something you would have to discuss with your doctor and if it is legal in your State.  Taking these alternative methods you have to be sure it agrees with any other medications you may be on.  I am not telling you to do this, but just letting you know that it's out there and now the pharmaceutical companies want their share of it too.  

You have loved ones Christine and they want you around for as long as possible and deep grief isn't forever.  Please really think about all your alternatives and if you decide to go with how you feel now I for one will back you 100%.

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 20, 2018 at 11:47am

Well, surgery will be Monday Jan.29.  In having a lumpectomy without chemo. . I'm still pondering radiation. The Dr. Was a bit upset cause she said this is "curable"  if I do chemo and radiation. . It's stage 2 triple neg. And localized. I am very healthy otherwise. I have agreed to radiation after but I'm not sure. The 2.9 centimeters tumor is on the surface and if I let it go it will grow and come thru the skin making a smelly painful open sore.if it was deep in the breast this wouldn't happen. I am debating radiation but will have 4-6 weeks to decide. I am relieved the the prognosis is 5 years give or take without chemo. She asked if my husband was alive what I'd do. I told her if she can get my Marshall to walk thru the door I will do everything she asks. Told her I don't want 10-15 plus years. Five give or take will be more than enough. She wanted to know how I'd feel if I change my mind.I smiled and told her that will never happen.I want to be with my Marshall. And last night,actually I think between 3-4 a.m. I was awakened by the smell of his cologne. It was wonderful. I just want to be with him.

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 8:39pm

chuck and steve sorry you guys have a hard couple of days dates are so hard, praying for you both

Comment by David Heggi on January 19, 2018 at 7:59pm

You are so right, Deborah.  He would have been proud of you

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 2:48pm

Micheal, it was really hard for me to date let alone remarry after my 1st husband passed away, but years later I did and although it too was a different kind of love but a beautiful one we had a great and happy life together and I know that Rob would of been proud of the man that was now taking care of his family. I too became a different person the 1st time, I became a stronger woman and more self relient, that too he would of been proud of. I believe that everything that happens in our lives shape us into who we are be it good or bad . So go with the new you and enjoy this love you have found

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 2:43pm

I feel guilty whenever I use any of the life ins money to buy non essential items, so I have been wrestling with getting a new tv for awhile as my living room one is slowely fading out, I had decided to go get one then once again felt it wasn't necessary. Last night I had a dream, and in it I was discussing my tv delima with my dad who has passed and he said it was time for a new one, I took this as a sign so I went and did it and for the first time I don't feel guilty

 

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