Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 8:52pm

That is a very interesting conclusion you have come to, Mary Jane; there could've been a conflict over wanting to come to Warren and leave you behind.  It would have been a difficult decision to make with our loved ones.  If that is so, it would explain the dread on Bob's face - he loved you; he did not want to leave you to grieve. I would pray to him to let go and be at peace until you are both reunited.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 8:32pm

And, yes, David...I know I may have hit on something you might have experienced...and it isn,t easy to hold on to something that goes against everything we have read, or would like to believe.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 8:29pm

Thank you. The fact that his expression wasn,t peaceful is what led me to Legacy in the first place. Ihad read so much about serene expressions, etc, that I was honestly HORRIFIED at the expression on his face...but I have rationalized it as a crossing over that was difficult for see, his brother, who had died 10 years b4 had been around for MONTHS..I know, I felt I think his expression was him being torn between wanting to let go, and be with Warren, or stay and b with me. 

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 8:08pm

There must come a time we can finally surrender and be at peace.  I don't know if that comforts you, Mary Jane.  It does me about your Bob, and for me personally.  Thank you for sharing what must still be very hard to remember and accept

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 7:57pm

I cannot tell all of you who DIDN,t have the grace of being there, and awake,when your partner died, how sorry I am for you. B4 I found Legacy, I wasn’t aware what tragic circumstanses in which a lot of people could loose their soul mates. Even tho Bob took his last breath when I had left the room, I was aware that this day was different from the other 4 days he’d been home, in hospice, with me.

the thing that will haunt me forever, is the LOOK ON HIS FACE when he left this world. It wasn,t pleasant. I always thought when it was time to go...a person would have this look of peace, or comfort or anything other than how Bob looked when he died. It haunts me to this day.

Not to change the subject, but we were married just 4 months shy of 49 years..and all during those years, he was TERRIFIED of cancer. For YEARS he avoided Dr visits, because he KNEW he was going to b diagnosed with cancer. Seriously, he lived his life in TERROR of getting cancer. Every pimple, every slight pain, etc, he KNEW it was going to b cancer. Every time he got sick, or any medical condition, he was sure he would die from cancer. He would amplify the simplest things, with this terror he had inside..but, ironically, when he DID contract was like he could finally relax. What he had always known what would happen had come to fruition. There was no bad fact, NO ONE expected him to b in the amazingly good spirits he was in. He wasn,t angry, or afraid...his personality was “the good Bob”..laughing and happy..because he wasn,t afraid anymore. The thing he had feared most in his life had happened...and I know this sounds ironic...but finally GETTING cancer sort of released his fear..and he could just relax and let God and death take over. He was mellow, and at peace because he had known this is how he would die for his entire life, and now it was here. He DIDN,T have to be afraid anymore.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 7:36pm

That must've been so hard, Chicago. When my David was in the hospital, all we both wanted was for him to be home, and after 17 years of caregiving him, he died there in his own bed.  I've often thought how differently I would feel if I was only able to visit him.

All I could think was no, I couldn't have done that; it would have been impossibly gut-wrenching to leave him there every day.  I'm sorry you had to bear that.

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 27, 2018 at 7:26pm


Unfortunately no. After about a month in the hospital she coded and they were not able to revive her. I had not gone to the hospital yet that day so I was not there when it happened. I got the phone call no one wants to receive.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 4:23pm

I had strokes too, Chicago, so I know how difficult it was for her and how helpless you have felt.  Was she able to come home at some point?

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 27, 2018 at 1:37pm


A stroke was the beginning of the end for my Rose as well. She had a stroke the beginning of September and never got out of the hospital. She also had problems speaking and was weak on one side. She also contacted c-diff in the hospital. Her body finally gave in. My heart still hurts!

Comment by Marsha H on January 27, 2018 at 4:31am

Deborah ...  I am so sorry this date is coming up so fast.  Ernie was in a similar health condition as your Greg.  He had lost so much weight, became silent most of the time with and closer to his surgery date he distanced himself from me which wasn't like him at all either.  We hugged, kissed, he held my hand or put his arm around my waist and I sure miss that.  No one understands unless they have gone through it what it is like to watch the love of our life slip away little by little and it's out of our control.  I have a suggestion which I do myself.  I get a helium balloon and put love messages on it and go to our favorite spot by the river and let it fly off to the heavens.  I like to think Ernie is way up their with hands stretched out ready to catch it.  For some reason I instinctively know all our spouses are well aware of how we feel, how much we love and miss them and one day we will be with them once again.  As sad as it all is I finally realized I was being selfish by just wanting Ernie with me when he was so ill and had no quality of life.  I like to think when they pass away they are 'going home' and that's where all of us go when our time comes.  I'll sure be praying for you to get through the day.  




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