Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 29, 2018 at 3:06pm

Dear Deborah ...  Your post had me in tears.  

You had that dream because you were so upset from the experience you had with your 3 year old grandson.  As cruel as the dream seems it's our bodies way of expressing the trauma (it is a trauma) and believe it or not these unsettled dreams do help even though at times they don't make sense.  

Several years ago I studied dreams because I was also studying 'auras' that encircles every living thing on earth and it lead to the study re dreams.  We dream every 1/2 hour, but it's the last few seconds when we are out of REM sleep (deep sleep) we can remember a pleasant or upsetting dream.  I feel losing a spouse is Post Traumatic Stress because our lives are turned upside down.  For awhile you will have some unsettling dreams, but they do go away eventually.

Shortly after Ernie passed away I had strange dreams of him being with other women and it was so real I would wake up angry.  The strange thing of it all was Ernie was extremely loyal to me for 45 years.  Eventually these dreams passed and then every so often I would have a dream where he was stroking my face, holding my hand, but oddly enough I would never see his face.  I felt frustrated.  Now, I seldom dream of him and at times wished I did.  I am happy to say most of the time I feel he is close to me and watching out for me.

May I suggest to you that perhaps your grandson should have a talk with his mother about where his grandpa is.  The truth is the best way even at 3 years old as little ones can hear adults discussing death or missing someone.  It can be put this way:  Grandpa had to leave us as he had important work for God, but he loves us all and one day (a long way away) you will see your grandpa again in heaven.  You can't see him, but he's around watching over you.  

I hope this helps Deborah and I know it's not only heart-breaking for you, but also your grandson.

Comment by deborah peck on January 29, 2018 at 10:15am

Rough couple of days, yesterday it started when we got to my 13 year old grandsons basketball game and when we got out of the car my 3 year old grandson insisted that the building next to it was where his pa-pa was, if you could of seen his face he looked so confused, I think maybe he remembered the brick from the funeral home. Then last night I dreamed of Greg but not a good dream, I dreamed he was in prison for 2 years but it was more like rehab for his stroke. My little grandson and I went to see him and and got to spend time with him and I told him we would be back soon, then when me and grandson got home I missed him so much I was trying to figure out how to get back there the next day, he was 2 hours from me. So woke up in tears, don't know what to make of all this

Comment by Marsha H on January 29, 2018 at 3:30am

Dear Chicago Beard ...  I am so sorry you couldn't be their for your Rose.  My Ernie was in Hospice for less than 24 hours.  I was there and wanted to spend the night as he was breathing heavily, but he told me he didn't want me to stay, but agreed with me I could come back the next day and spend the day and night with him.  I sure didn't want to leave him, but also didn't want to upset him anymore than he was.  I came home and never slept and at 6 AM I got a phone call from Hospice that he was dying.  I was in shock!  I phoned my girlfriend to come get me as I knew I wasn't in any shape to drive and just as we were leaving my house at 6:30 AM the Hospice phoned and said my beloved Ernie had passed away.  I felt guilt, then angry at him for sending me home when I wanted to be there and comfort him, but after 2 years of grieving I realized that I had given him the gift of telling him I would fine and was OK to let himself go and so, he chose his own way to do so.  This isn't uncommon and even if you had been there and even left for a second often your loved one will pass away just at that time.  I realize it is a personal journey for them and it confirms there is something better they are headed for.  

Many hospitals today in ICU or floors in hospitals where there are terminal patience some nurse sit taking notes as to what the patient is saying.  They are studying the transition of life to death more and more and often they do see a loved one that has predeceased and perhaps they have come to lead them on that journey.  I have come to terms with it all now and realize Ernie wanted to spare me from seeing him pass away and that was his gift to me.  I also believe one day we will see them again.  How can we have met someone we met and loved for a short time or a long time and know that love is strong and it just ends in death.  It doesn't.  That being said I do believe also our spouses would want us to go on and to be happy until our time comes.  So my dear friend hold Rose close to your heart as you do and be at peace and enjoy the life you have now.  She should want it that way.  



Comment by deborah peck on January 28, 2018 at 12:21am

Chicago I'm so sorry that you didn't get to have a so called peaceful ending with your wife. I know the hospice nurse told us that sometimes they wait until we aren't around to pass, that it is easier for them. My husband ended up back in the hospital having trouble breathing turned out he was sepsis from the flu and after a week in the hospital he came around enough to realize he was dying and wanted to go home, he came home on hospice that same day and passed the next day with me laying beside him and about 30 family members in our bedroom, he laid there having so much trouble breathing until I told him that I would be okay and then he just stopped, it was like he was waiting for permission. So I consider myself lucky that we were together as I know you wish you were but maybe she just couldn't with you there and had to wait till she knew you were in a safe place.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 8:52pm

That is a very interesting conclusion you have come to, Mary Jane; there could've been a conflict over wanting to come to Warren and leave you behind.  It would have been a difficult decision to make with our loved ones.  If that is so, it would explain the dread on Bob's face - he loved you; he did not want to leave you to grieve. I would pray to him to let go and be at peace until you are both reunited.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 8:32pm

And, yes, David...I know I may have hit on something you might have experienced...and it isn,t easy to hold on to something that goes against everything we have read, or would like to believe.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 8:29pm

Thank you. The fact that his expression wasn,t peaceful is what led me to Legacy in the first place. Ihad read so much about serene expressions, etc, that I was honestly HORRIFIED at the expression on his face...but I have rationalized it as a crossing over that was difficult for see, his brother, who had died 10 years b4 had been around for MONTHS..I know, I felt I think his expression was him being torn between wanting to let go, and be with Warren, or stay and b with me. 

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 8:08pm

There must come a time we can finally surrender and be at peace.  I don't know if that comforts you, Mary Jane.  It does me about your Bob, and for me personally.  Thank you for sharing what must still be very hard to remember and accept

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 7:57pm

I cannot tell all of you who DIDN,t have the grace of being there, and awake,when your partner died, how sorry I am for you. B4 I found Legacy, I wasn’t aware what tragic circumstanses in which a lot of people could loose their soul mates. Even tho Bob took his last breath when I had left the room, I was aware that this day was different from the other 4 days he’d been home, in hospice, with me.

the thing that will haunt me forever, is the LOOK ON HIS FACE when he left this world. It wasn,t pleasant. I always thought when it was time to go...a person would have this look of peace, or comfort or anything other than how Bob looked when he died. It haunts me to this day.

Not to change the subject, but we were married just 4 months shy of 49 years..and all during those years, he was TERRIFIED of cancer. For YEARS he avoided Dr visits, because he KNEW he was going to b diagnosed with cancer. Seriously, he lived his life in TERROR of getting cancer. Every pimple, every slight pain, etc, he KNEW it was going to b cancer. Every time he got sick, or any medical condition, he was sure he would die from cancer. He would amplify the simplest things, with this terror he had inside..but, ironically, when he DID contract was like he could finally relax. What he had always known what would happen had come to fruition. There was no bad fact, NO ONE expected him to b in the amazingly good spirits he was in. He wasn,t angry, or afraid...his personality was “the good Bob”..laughing and happy..because he wasn,t afraid anymore. The thing he had feared most in his life had happened...and I know this sounds ironic...but finally GETTING cancer sort of released his fear..and he could just relax and let God and death take over. He was mellow, and at peace because he had known this is how he would die for his entire life, and now it was here. He DIDN,T have to be afraid anymore.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 7:36pm

That must've been so hard, Chicago. When my David was in the hospital, all we both wanted was for him to be home, and after 17 years of caregiving him, he died there in his own bed.  I've often thought how differently I would feel if I was only able to visit him.

All I could think was no, I couldn't have done that; it would have been impossibly gut-wrenching to leave him there every day.  I'm sorry you had to bear that.


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