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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on January 18, 2018 at 11:35am

Debbie....I'm so sorry you've been having such difficulty the past few nights.  Nighttime is so much harder.  During the day I can focus on work and get through chunks of time. I still think about Ken through the entire day and have flashes of memory during the day but I'm able to push past it now and focus on whatever I'm working on.  This I couldn't do in the beginning so I guess that's progress.  It's a different story in evening and at night when he becomes my sole focus.  Like you, I miss him so much  and can't believe 2 years have already passed.  What you're feeling now is normal so please don't put too much pressure on yourself. 

Sending a hug your way.

Sara

Comment by Steve on January 18, 2018 at 11:03am

Marsha

I am reading up on Maya Angelou, she is now my go to place for such positive quotes and inspiring poems.  She was an amazing woman.

Mary Jane,

So glad you had a dream visit, consider yourself blessed and hold on to that dream, I often wondered if I would have a dream visit from Mark.  As I think of him often, I remember what he told me before he died, months before he passed on.  We were having one of those conversations about who might or might not go first and he told me that he would not live past 50, this of course lead to deeper discussions on a wide range of topics.  He literally told me that he would not survive if I went first, however, he knew without a doubt, that I on the other hand would and could go on with my life without him.  I asked him how he could be so sure, he replied, you are a survivor, you would grieve and move on, so I do not have to worry about you, you are strong and will survive.  That day is burned into my memory just as much as the day I watched him take his last breath.  Today, I can say he was right, Mark was right about almost everything in life so why would he not be right about me? is the question that I can now answer.  Maybe that day was my dream visit, who knows? I am so thankful that he gave me that memory, maybe that is where my strength comes from.   Mark's birthday is tomorrow and I am OK,  tomorrow he would have been 53.  Happy Birthday Mark...I will always love you and thank you for being a part of my life's journey.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 18, 2018 at 10:26am

Dear Marsha,

Yes, I can now post on my own desktop - thank you Steve! Indeed there will come times, it appears for the rest of our lives, when we will be nearly (or completely) driven to our knees by our ongoing grief. Rightly or wrongly, I now believe that and have been in some odd way making peace with the fact. It may not be the most uplifting or positive message for those in this family so very new into their loss and experiencing the horrible realities of their fresh grief, but it is how I am coping.

For example, we watched a movie the other day where a widow was asked if she was happy now that she was in a new relationship with a man who wanted to marry her. Her reply spoke directly to my own feelings - she said she woke up one day to find that she was forced to say goodbye to so many things in her life...and happiness was one of them. She then said something else eventually flows in to those voids in our life created by loss, and one of those things is very much like happiness, but it is not the variety we knew before. It is quieter, more peaceful, and respects our grieving for our lost love. I suppose that is how I now feel.

Tomorrow is Steve's partner Mark's birthday, and I find myself realizing that those people here in Texas who have known Steve longer than I do not fully comprehend the way these dates stir memories and feelings for us the way this family, with our shared experience understand. Next week is my own birthday, and again it is now permanently colored by my loss of my dear Larry, and arrives awash in memories of the many ways over 32 years he always made it special for me.

A new friend here is trying to understand this dichotomy in our reactions to special occasions, and I love him for that, but here we recognize that from the outside our grief seems perplexing and frustrating at best. People want so to make it better - not knowing that they are on a futile endeavor - all we need from others is the patience to watch and support us as we navigate our own way through these days fraught with sadness and memories.

Anyway, it is nice to feel like I can once more follow and partake in the conversations here, because, as nice as Texas is, I admit I am feeling a bit homesick and lonely. I know, as the saying goes, this too shall pass.

Love to you dear sister,

Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 18, 2018 at 10:17am

Deborah...next month it will b 2 years since Bob died. My basic roll in life was to take care of him..for 49 years. When he died, and now, I felt/feel I have no purpose or direction in life..like I am drowning and he isn,t here to save me. But I always talked to him. All day long, as if he spent his entire time in heaven watching over me..as if he was still here, and could help me, or just be near to me. It was so comforting..so I would try little “tests” to see if he was really still with me. ie: if I lost a pen I just had, I would ask him to find it for me..AND IT WORKED every time. Sometimes the lost object would just appear where I had already looked. If and it would work perfectly...EVERY TIME. It wasn,t that I needed these things done, but THEY WERE VALIDATIONS HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME...even tho he was gone. I can feel him all the time. And without the feeling he is still with me I don,t know what I would do.

When I had that dream visit, although I had prayed for it...I was terrified that he wouldn,t be around me anymore..(I also Googled it, big mistake, and read he might have come to say goodbye. THAT is why I was so upset..I was afraid he might b gone forever, and I I needed him beside me..even tho he is in a different dimension, apparently DIDN,t mean he wasn,t here. Yes, he is still here..I can feel him every minute. I don,t think we ever loose them..we just have to open our hearts to possibilities they are still with us.

Yes, I know it might sound nutty...but I talk to him all day...and if you try...you might feel your husband is still right next to you...I don,t think death means they are gone altogether..but are just on a different plain, and feeling him all day comforts me in ways I cannot explain. I am sure your husband is still right beside you..watching over you...protecting you...and will be for years..until it is time for you to “go home”. Just because we can,t see them, we can feel their presence and take comfort from it. We just have to open our minds, and listen with our hearts

Comment by Marsha H on January 18, 2018 at 4:07am

Dear Deborah ...  I am so very sorry you are having such a rough night and yes, I know exactly how you feel because I had many myself and also still can have the odd one.  Grief is so hard and there are times I still don't understand why it has to go on and on.  Memories are wonderful from the past, but often conger up tears as well.

May I suggest that instead of sleeping in bed try sleeping on the sofa for a few nights with the TV on very low.  I did that for quite sometime and rested my back against the back of the sofa and it helped.  I'd drift off to sleep and with the TV low the night didn't sound so silent.

Hang on Deborah because it does get a little better with each day passing whether it feels like or not.  

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 18, 2018 at 4:03am

Dear Steve ...

I love that other quote as well and how true.  Thank you that my dear brother.

Much Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 18, 2018 at 4:02am

David ...  I am so happy you believe in our loved ones 'going home.'  I honestly believe this, but also believe off and on they do come and visit us.  There are signs they are close when we need them the most.  I never believed when you are truly in love (soul mates) that it stops after death.

I hope your days are filled with a little more joy and peace.  It does get easier where we can at least breath again and think straighter.  We will never stop loving our spouse or ever forget them.  

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on January 17, 2018 at 11:22pm

these past few days have been really hard for me, I'm missing my husband so much. every night I feel like I'm falling apart, just cant seem to get it together

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 16, 2018 at 10:33pm

CB I am so sorry, what the hell is going on? It just seems like a lot of loss in a very short time. We are here for you, and Deborah. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 16, 2018 at 10:28pm

Deborah, that really sucks . I don,t understand why some people have to bear such pain. I am sorry.

 

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