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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 20, 2018 at 6:16pm

Dear Christine,

I can't really put myself in your place, so I feel almost inappropriate commenting, but I have to say this. I agree with Marsha, and can't really add anything to her insightful words. I fully understand how much you want to see and be with Marshall, and I am completely confident that one day that will come to pass. Awhile ago someone on here - Sara maybe? - said she had spoken with someone or read something somewhere and was offered the thought that for our lost loved ones, the time between when we lose them and when we join them is for them like the blink of an eye. For us still here, it is days, months, and years of missing them. I don't know why, but that simple image - Larry blinking and then finding me right there in front of him made me feel so much better. I can wait, so long as I don't think of him worrying or grieving for me. No, I'm not someone the world ever saw as a tower of strength - I cry at commercials on TV for gosh sakes - but believing that there is a reason, however unknowable to me right now, for my still being here gives me reason enough to hang on and do those things necessary to live my remaining mortal life as best I can. 

What you are facing, and your decisions and choices are yours and yours alone - my prayer for you is that your path is guided by Marshall's love for you, and by God's will for you. I believe that both of those things will steer you in the right direction. Just turn down the noise of this world and listen to those voices. I send you my most sincere good vibes and wishes for all to go well for you - God Bless You.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on January 20, 2018 at 3:57pm

Christine ...  I will be praying all goes well with your lumpectomy.  I know it's scary and the 'C' word brings the strongest men to their knees.  I am going through this with a couple of my own friends.  I can certainly understand at this stage of your grief that you would want to join Marshall.  Your doctor is frustrated because he/she knows as grief goes on your mind may well change.  I had my ovaries taken out and was in the same mode of thought you were and just didn't want to wake up from anesthetic, but I did.  Now I am glad to be alive even though I still miss my Ernie.  Life does get better.  Talk to your doctor and if chemo or radiation is short-term (2 - 3 treatments) then think about it.  If it's long-term then you go with how you feel about it.

I don't know where you live in the States, but here in Canada Marijuana is legalized and now they have come out with drops under the tongue that they have discovered not only helps cancer, but a myriad of things.  They also have Gummies with Marijuana for pain as well as creams for aches and pains and my brother is using the cream and it has taken his pain away.  In Virginia the mothers of children who have seizures and ADD finally had medicinal Marijuana passed because it's has stopped the seizures in their children and also families with ADD children find that they are 'getting their children's personalities back.'  I also want to make it clear that by taking the oils, creams, etc., do not give you a high!  Marijuana is processed and other herbs mixed in with it.  This is something you would have to discuss with your doctor and if it is legal in your State.  Taking these alternative methods you have to be sure it agrees with any other medications you may be on.  I am not telling you to do this, but just letting you know that it's out there and now the pharmaceutical companies want their share of it too.  

You have loved ones Christine and they want you around for as long as possible and deep grief isn't forever.  Please really think about all your alternatives and if you decide to go with how you feel now I for one will back you 100%.

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 20, 2018 at 11:47am

Well, surgery will be Monday Jan.29.  In having a lumpectomy without chemo. . I'm still pondering radiation. The Dr. Was a bit upset cause she said this is "curable"  if I do chemo and radiation. . It's stage 2 triple neg. And localized. I am very healthy otherwise. I have agreed to radiation after but I'm not sure. The 2.9 centimeters tumor is on the surface and if I let it go it will grow and come thru the skin making a smelly painful open sore.if it was deep in the breast this wouldn't happen. I am debating radiation but will have 4-6 weeks to decide. I am relieved the the prognosis is 5 years give or take without chemo. She asked if my husband was alive what I'd do. I told her if she can get my Marshall to walk thru the door I will do everything she asks. Told her I don't want 10-15 plus years. Five give or take will be more than enough. She wanted to know how I'd feel if I change my mind.I smiled and told her that will never happen.I want to be with my Marshall. And last night,actually I think between 3-4 a.m. I was awakened by the smell of his cologne. It was wonderful. I just want to be with him.

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 8:39pm

chuck and steve sorry you guys have a hard couple of days dates are so hard, praying for you both

Comment by David Heggi on January 19, 2018 at 7:59pm

You are so right, Deborah.  He would have been proud of you

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 2:48pm

Micheal, it was really hard for me to date let alone remarry after my 1st husband passed away, but years later I did and although it too was a different kind of love but a beautiful one we had a great and happy life together and I know that Rob would of been proud of the man that was now taking care of his family. I too became a different person the 1st time, I became a stronger woman and more self relient, that too he would of been proud of. I believe that everything that happens in our lives shape us into who we are be it good or bad . So go with the new you and enjoy this love you have found

Comment by deborah peck on January 19, 2018 at 2:43pm

I feel guilty whenever I use any of the life ins money to buy non essential items, so I have been wrestling with getting a new tv for awhile as my living room one is slowely fading out, I had decided to go get one then once again felt it wasn't necessary. Last night I had a dream, and in it I was discussing my tv delima with my dad who has passed and he said it was time for a new one, I took this as a sign so I went and did it and for the first time I don't feel guilty

Comment by Michael Smith on January 19, 2018 at 1:27pm

I have come to realize that I'm not the same person I was before Melanie passed. I was lucky enough to find love again but it is different. they are two different woman and sometimes I long for the love I shared with Melanie. I am a different person. There are so many things that I used to enjoy that only bring memories of what used to be.  I sometimes wish it was me instead of her, for the sake of our boys. She was an awesome mom. I spent time with her family last weekend and it felt weird. than again I'm not a huge fan of hanging around my own family anymore. The sad looks they give me. The questions they really don't want an answer to. Here is to hoping that 2018 brings some closure and much happiness to everyone here.

Hugs 

Mike

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 19, 2018 at 11:20am

Steve.....Happy Heavenly birthday to Mark today.  What a comfort that conversation with Mark must be to you.  I wish I had a similar conversation with Ken.  Maybe then I would feel less guilty about living.  And the thought of ever dating again throws me into a level of guilt I can't describe.  For you to have Mark's blessing to move on until you meet again is everything.  Some day the 4 of you will sit in Heaven and have quite the reminiscing session

Comment by Marsha H on January 19, 2018 at 5:00am

Dear Chuck ...  You expressed about your grief and getting on with life so well and no, those who are in fresh grief are not to that point yet.  We will always have a tear or two run down our cheeks every so often for our spouses, but we are getting stronger in many other ways. 

I know if lucky and I meet someone I will feel exactly like that woman.  It is time now for us to know that we are entitled to happiness and peace in our lives.  They say for some there is only one love in their life, but as humans we need human contact; need to feel needed and wanted.  It's all very normal.  First loves will always stay with us.

I can certainly understand how Steve and you feel about your spouse's special occasions and I can still feel that as well.  Every single occasion throughout the year I still get Ernie a card.  It is normal to mourn your spouses that have passed on and doesn't mean you don't love each other (just a different type of love) and you are so very lucky to have each other.  It is a more peaceful type of relationship which we solely need now as we grow older.

Your friend may not completely understand, but what a blessing they try.  That's all I ask.  I hope you and Steve truly believe that Mark and Larry made sure the two of you met, so hold that torch high, go forward in your new life together with a smile and the wisdom both of you learned from your spouses and 'pay it forward.'

Homesickness is a bump in the road in comparison to all the grief you and Steve have gone through.  You will be fine and as I said, 'you always have an exit' if you really don't like living there.  No one is ever trapped in such a situation.  Give it some time as Texans are friendly.  Don't try their Chili, you'll never survive and breath fire from every orifice of your body! LOL

It is so good to see you and Steve post once again on Legacy as we've all missed you.  

Love you more dear brother

Marsha

 

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