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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Chicago Beard on January 27, 2018 at 1:37pm

Deborah

A stroke was the beginning of the end for my Rose as well. She had a stroke the beginning of September and never got out of the hospital. She also had problems speaking and was weak on one side. She also contacted c-diff in the hospital. Her body finally gave in. My heart still hurts!

Comment by Marsha H on January 27, 2018 at 4:31am

Deborah ...  I am so sorry this date is coming up so fast.  Ernie was in a similar health condition as your Greg.  He had lost so much weight, became silent most of the time with and closer to his surgery date he distanced himself from me which wasn't like him at all either.  We hugged, kissed, he held my hand or put his arm around my waist and I sure miss that.  No one understands unless they have gone through it what it is like to watch the love of our life slip away little by little and it's out of our control.  I have a suggestion which I do myself.  I get a helium balloon and put love messages on it and go to our favorite spot by the river and let it fly off to the heavens.  I like to think Ernie is way up their with hands stretched out ready to catch it.  For some reason I instinctively know all our spouses are well aware of how we feel, how much we love and miss them and one day we will be with them once again.  As sad as it all is I finally realized I was being selfish by just wanting Ernie with me when he was so ill and had no quality of life.  I like to think when they pass away they are 'going home' and that's where all of us go when our time comes.  I'll sure be praying for you to get through the day.  

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on January 26, 2018 at 4:31pm

On the 30th of this month is the date Greg had a massive stroke that was the beginning of the end of the life we both knew. While he survived he was never the same again, couldn't talk very good or swallow liquids without them being thickened and while at times I could see the old Greg , most of the time he wasn't the same man, while I was truly happy to have him still with me I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time. so to me this time period before he passed in May is like an approaching nightmare to me. My daughter says I am thinking of it all wrong and she thinks of it as extra time we had that we shouldn't have. While I try to think of it that way all I can think of is how much everything changed and how sad he was all the time and how he never held me or kissed me unless I asked him too so that in itself is so crazy since he was always kissing or giving me hugs ...so not sure how to get thru this time period withought totally going off the deep end. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 23, 2018 at 5:57am

Janeo ...  You sassy thang!  I have missed you.  What are you up to.  Get off your duff and email me.  I tried emailing you several months ago without a response so thought you may have moved and had a new email address as well.

I'm hanging in.  Good/bad days, but hanging on by my finger nails.  Still haven't met anyone and although I haven't signed up on a dating site yet I look at the ones they do send and I've seen a better line-up at our prison here.  LOL  I am sure some of those photos are 10 - 20 years ago.

Miss ya girl!

Hugs back at ya.

Comment by janeo on January 22, 2018 at 7:55pm

Hi Marsha! How are you? Happy your still helping people. Your still an Angel.  (((Hugs)))

Comment by Steve on January 22, 2018 at 5:34pm

Rebecca,

I relocated over a year ago from Dallas and because there was a strong possibility that I would return to the Dallas area I packed up my stuff and put it all into storage.  I am now back in the Dallas area and while going thru unpacking I found birthday cards and pictures I had forgotten about.  Of course I took time to re-read them and it was like a sucker punch in my stomach.  I lost my partner of 25 years just over 3 years ago and during that time I met a gentleman (right here on Legacy), moved to NJ and back to TX, settling into our new home and the grief and memories of my other life and of his other life are an integral part of our life together.  We both have these moments and we both recognize that our relationship is not the same as the one we both had with our departed  partners, it is something very different and it works because of our loss.  Humans have an abundance and the capacity to love and to share that love with others.  We both believe that we were lucky in that we both had our one and only one true love that we will have to wait (who knows how long) before all of us are reunited.  My family does not understand any of this and I have given up trying to help them understand.  My journey in this life is not over and I believe that I still have a lot to offer and a lot do before my time is over.  Most of my friends here in TX actually get it and accept me and Chuck as partners and are very supportive, none of them get looks of surprise or worry when Chuck and I discuss our departed loved ones as just a matter of fact nature because we have a lot to tell and share with everyone.  For us it just seems the right thing to do, maybe it is a way of coping with our loss, but it never ceases to amaze me how grief will sneak up and play "gottcha".  I found the birthday cards just two days before Mark's 3rd anniversary of his passing and in two days it will be Chuck's birthday, so some days I go from happy to sad and back to happy...just like riding a rollercoaster.

Please go easy on yourself, you are still very young, never give up hope...this April I will see my 71st birthday...Hugs to you...

Comment by Marsha H on January 22, 2018 at 4:17pm

Dear Rebecca ...

I really know how you feel.  It took me 3 years to put a framed picture of my Ernie up and it was the last picture of us together.  Before, I couldn't tolerate even looking at pictures of our lives together before he passed away as I would cry for days.  Today is better and I have so happy I have all those memories to look at.  We were blessed to have those loving years together and not many people had the same love we all shared with our spouses.  

It hurts me as well to see my family members and friends with their spouses celebrating this and that and going on vacations and it's still a sore spot with me.  I am very lonely as well.  Although this may not be the right thing to say at this time I do believe that your Jim will lead you to a man you should be with until you join Jim.  47 is still very young and I'm much older and my chances of finding someone to share part of my life with is very slim.  I know no one can replace either and no one can replace your Jim, but, there are good men out there that can still make your life tolerable, with some joy, peace and happiness.

I am looking at dating sites (Ernie has been gone almost 7 years) and I go onto 'reviews' of what other's say and many of the dating sites are scams or just don't work.  This is all foreign to me as I was use to meeting men the good old fashion way and it was much less dangerous.  None of my friends know of a widower where we might get together and see where it goes, so I've just resigned myself to the fact I will probably be alone.

I know when you re ready Rebecca that you will find someone to be in your life, but you'll never forget Jim.  The fact you feel lonely believe it or not is a good sign that you do need someone to share your hopes and dreams with.   

Comment by Marsha H on January 22, 2018 at 4:00pm

FROM REBECCA ..

Hello everyone ...

I went through a large box today filled with. Photographs. It breaks my heart every time I look at pictures of my beloved husband Jim. I sob with sadness. I miss so badly. It may be 13 years since he passed. But the pain has not lessened. I just don't know what to do to lessen my grief.  My friends are all celebrating 20 plus years of marriage. Their kids are grown. And most are travelling and enjoying time together. I wish that was Jim and I. I am so lonely. And I do worry that at 47, I will never meet another man, and feel love again. Maybe I had my one and only true love.

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 21, 2018 at 9:31pm

Chuck......Yes, that was me.  I've done a lot of reading on the subject of Heaven and as you know, I've gone to a couple Mediums.   Everything I've read and heard is the same....there is no time in Heaven.  I think one of the things I read was something like "a day can seem like a thousand years and a thousand years can seem like a day".   For our loved ones, when we do finally join them it'll seem like they just saw us.  It helps me because I just tell myself that for Ken, it'll be no different than when we leave for work in the morning and see each other again at the end of the day.  We don't grieve that time in between so I hope that's how Ken sees it now.  He suffered enough with his health in this dimension, he doesn't need to suffer waiting for me to join him.

Christine......I know this isn't going to make you feel better because we are the ones suffering here and now.  I too look forward to reuniting with Ken and the thought of possibly being here another 30 years is horrifying but I also have family here to think about.  I hope you'll consider all the people who love you and want you around as long as possible.  When you finally do join Marshall, you'll have thousands of years to be together.   

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 20, 2018 at 6:16pm

Dear Christine,

I can't really put myself in your place, so I feel almost inappropriate commenting, but I have to say this. I agree with Marsha, and can't really add anything to her insightful words. I fully understand how much you want to see and be with Marshall, and I am completely confident that one day that will come to pass. Awhile ago someone on here - Sara maybe? - said she had spoken with someone or read something somewhere and was offered the thought that for our lost loved ones, the time between when we lose them and when we join them is for them like the blink of an eye. For us still here, it is days, months, and years of missing them. I don't know why, but that simple image - Larry blinking and then finding me right there in front of him made me feel so much better. I can wait, so long as I don't think of him worrying or grieving for me. No, I'm not someone the world ever saw as a tower of strength - I cry at commercials on TV for gosh sakes - but believing that there is a reason, however unknowable to me right now, for my still being here gives me reason enough to hang on and do those things necessary to live my remaining mortal life as best I can. 

What you are facing, and your decisions and choices are yours and yours alone - my prayer for you is that your path is guided by Marshall's love for you, and by God's will for you. I believe that both of those things will steer you in the right direction. Just turn down the noise of this world and listen to those voices. I send you my most sincere good vibes and wishes for all to go well for you - God Bless You.

Love, Chuck

 

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