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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on January 27, 2018 at 7:57pm

I cannot tell all of you who DIDN,t have the grace of being there, and awake,when your partner died, how sorry I am for you. B4 I found Legacy, I wasn’t aware what tragic circumstanses in which a lot of people could loose their soul mates. Even tho Bob took his last breath when I had left the room, I was aware that this day was different from the other 4 days he’d been home, in hospice, with me.

the thing that will haunt me forever, is the LOOK ON HIS FACE when he left this world. It wasn,t pleasant. I always thought when it was time to go...a person would have this look of peace, or comfort or anything other than how Bob looked when he died. It haunts me to this day.

Not to change the subject, but we were married just 4 months shy of 49 years..and all during those years, he was TERRIFIED of cancer. For YEARS he avoided Dr visits, because he KNEW he was going to b diagnosed with cancer. Seriously, he lived his life in TERROR of getting cancer. Every pimple, every slight pain, etc, he KNEW it was going to b cancer. Every time he got sick, or any medical condition, he was sure he would die from cancer. He would amplify the simplest things, with this terror he had inside..but, ironically, when he DID contract cancer..it was like he could finally relax. What he had always known what would happen had come to fruition. There was no terror...no bad moods..in fact, NO ONE expected him to b in the amazingly good spirits he was in. He wasn,t angry, or afraid...his personality was “the good Bob”..laughing and happy..because he wasn,t afraid anymore. The thing he had feared most in his life had happened...and I know this sounds ironic...but finally GETTING cancer sort of released his fear..and he could just relax and let God and death take over. He was mellow, and at peace because he had known this is how he would die for his entire life, and now it was here. He DIDN,T have to be afraid anymore.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 7:36pm

That must've been so hard, Chicago. When my David was in the hospital, all we both wanted was for him to be home, and after 17 years of caregiving him, he died there in his own bed.  I've often thought how differently I would feel if I was only able to visit him.

All I could think was no, I couldn't have done that; it would have been impossibly gut-wrenching to leave him there every day.  I'm sorry you had to bear that.

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 27, 2018 at 7:26pm

David

Unfortunately no. After about a month in the hospital she coded and they were not able to revive her. I had not gone to the hospital yet that day so I was not there when it happened. I got the phone call no one wants to receive.

Comment by David Heggi on January 27, 2018 at 4:23pm

I had strokes too, Chicago, so I know how difficult it was for her and how helpless you have felt.  Was she able to come home at some point?

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 27, 2018 at 1:37pm

Deborah

A stroke was the beginning of the end for my Rose as well. She had a stroke the beginning of September and never got out of the hospital. She also had problems speaking and was weak on one side. She also contacted c-diff in the hospital. Her body finally gave in. My heart still hurts!

Comment by Marsha H on January 27, 2018 at 4:31am

Deborah ...  I am so sorry this date is coming up so fast.  Ernie was in a similar health condition as your Greg.  He had lost so much weight, became silent most of the time with and closer to his surgery date he distanced himself from me which wasn't like him at all either.  We hugged, kissed, he held my hand or put his arm around my waist and I sure miss that.  No one understands unless they have gone through it what it is like to watch the love of our life slip away little by little and it's out of our control.  I have a suggestion which I do myself.  I get a helium balloon and put love messages on it and go to our favorite spot by the river and let it fly off to the heavens.  I like to think Ernie is way up their with hands stretched out ready to catch it.  For some reason I instinctively know all our spouses are well aware of how we feel, how much we love and miss them and one day we will be with them once again.  As sad as it all is I finally realized I was being selfish by just wanting Ernie with me when he was so ill and had no quality of life.  I like to think when they pass away they are 'going home' and that's where all of us go when our time comes.  I'll sure be praying for you to get through the day.  

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on January 26, 2018 at 4:31pm

On the 30th of this month is the date Greg had a massive stroke that was the beginning of the end of the life we both knew. While he survived he was never the same again, couldn't talk very good or swallow liquids without them being thickened and while at times I could see the old Greg , most of the time he wasn't the same man, while I was truly happy to have him still with me I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time. so to me this time period before he passed in May is like an approaching nightmare to me. My daughter says I am thinking of it all wrong and she thinks of it as extra time we had that we shouldn't have. While I try to think of it that way all I can think of is how much everything changed and how sad he was all the time and how he never held me or kissed me unless I asked him too so that in itself is so crazy since he was always kissing or giving me hugs ...so not sure how to get thru this time period withought totally going off the deep end. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 23, 2018 at 5:57am

Janeo ...  You sassy thang!  I have missed you.  What are you up to.  Get off your duff and email me.  I tried emailing you several months ago without a response so thought you may have moved and had a new email address as well.

I'm hanging in.  Good/bad days, but hanging on by my finger nails.  Still haven't met anyone and although I haven't signed up on a dating site yet I look at the ones they do send and I've seen a better line-up at our prison here.  LOL  I am sure some of those photos are 10 - 20 years ago.

Miss ya girl!

Hugs back at ya.

Comment by janeo on January 22, 2018 at 7:55pm

Hi Marsha! How are you? Happy your still helping people. Your still an Angel.  (((Hugs)))

Comment by Steve on January 22, 2018 at 5:34pm

Rebecca,

I relocated over a year ago from Dallas and because there was a strong possibility that I would return to the Dallas area I packed up my stuff and put it all into storage.  I am now back in the Dallas area and while going thru unpacking I found birthday cards and pictures I had forgotten about.  Of course I took time to re-read them and it was like a sucker punch in my stomach.  I lost my partner of 25 years just over 3 years ago and during that time I met a gentleman (right here on Legacy), moved to NJ and back to TX, settling into our new home and the grief and memories of my other life and of his other life are an integral part of our life together.  We both have these moments and we both recognize that our relationship is not the same as the one we both had with our departed  partners, it is something very different and it works because of our loss.  Humans have an abundance and the capacity to love and to share that love with others.  We both believe that we were lucky in that we both had our one and only one true love that we will have to wait (who knows how long) before all of us are reunited.  My family does not understand any of this and I have given up trying to help them understand.  My journey in this life is not over and I believe that I still have a lot to offer and a lot do before my time is over.  Most of my friends here in TX actually get it and accept me and Chuck as partners and are very supportive, none of them get looks of surprise or worry when Chuck and I discuss our departed loved ones as just a matter of fact nature because we have a lot to tell and share with everyone.  For us it just seems the right thing to do, maybe it is a way of coping with our loss, but it never ceases to amaze me how grief will sneak up and play "gottcha".  I found the birthday cards just two days before Mark's 3rd anniversary of his passing and in two days it will be Chuck's birthday, so some days I go from happy to sad and back to happy...just like riding a rollercoaster.

Please go easy on yourself, you are still very young, never give up hope...this April I will see my 71st birthday...Hugs to you...

 

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