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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: on Sunday

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 31, 2018 at 3:15pm

Dear Deborah ...  It sounds like you are on top of things, but so important your daughter tries not to grieve in front of him and believe me, I know how difficult that is.  While Ernie was home I would be cheerful around him, but then have 'shower cries.'  We do have to grieve in our own way in order to heal as you know.  It is my pleasure to help and my heart does go out to anyone in a painful situation.  I know your grandson in time will be just fine.

Comment by deborah peck on January 31, 2018 at 12:14pm

dear Marsha, thank you for the link, it was really helpful,. I am very careful to not grieve around my grandson but not sure about his mom. We tell him all the time we aren't going anyplace because he always is asking us not to leave to. I live in st.charles mo, thank you for your support it is so kind of you

Comment by David Heggi on January 31, 2018 at 9:50am

You truly have a special insight -a gift for comforting others, Marsha

Comment by David Heggi on January 31, 2018 at 9:44am

we love you too, Christine

Comment by David Heggi on January 31, 2018 at 9:41am

That is beautiful, Sara.  It gives me a little bit of hope mixed with some happy tears

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 31, 2018 at 8:57am

Hello everyone......had my breast cancer surgery yesterday....removed tumor and three lymph nodes. The pet scan and other tests did not show any cancer anywhere else but since I'm refusing chemo she took the three nodes to test and make sure.  Had to have general anesthetic so throat hurts. I've never cried over the cancer. If I don't do chemo,which I'm not,and do not think radiation, I have a three to figure 've year window of reoccurring. This was stage two so why did I bother? It was very close to the surface,you could feel it with your finger, and was told when it grows it will come thru the skin as a painful, smelly ,open sore. I would not want anyone to take care of that. . If it was deep within I would have left it alone. I want so much to be with my Marshall and cannot do 10,15 years or so. I have 4-6 weeks to make a decision about radiation. The Dr is afraid ill change my mind later and it will be too late. I won't. I also can't do any of the cancer meds as it's triple negative resistant to hormone therapy. I'm so glad I found this site, it's been very helpful. Love you all

Comment by Marsha H on January 31, 2018 at 4:07am

Dear Sara ...  Thank you so much for leaving that poem for us and it brought great peace to me.  Things have not been going so great for me right now and this made me feel much better.  I hope you don't mind, but I printed it out.

Thanks so much again.  Hope you are doing well.

Comment by Marsha H on January 31, 2018 at 4:02am

Dear Deborah ...  Again I had tears in my eyes reading your post especially with your grandson wanting to have a car for his grandfather to come home.  I've researched this for you and of course a 3 year old as you say can's possibly grasp the rationalization of what death is.  It suddenly dawned on me that several years ago one of our friends lost her husband who was only 25 years old leaving a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.  The children were of course perplexed and of course their mother didn't know how to handle it.  It was like a light bulb went off and I realized that when a young child loses a loved one that is close to them they thing #1 they are going to die and the big one is #2 Mommy or Grandma is going to die and leave them all alone.  It is so important for your grandson to know you aren't going anywhere nor is his mother.  I have put a link here for you to read and hope it helps:  https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/bereavement-reactions-age-group   

Remember, assurance from both his mother and you that you are not going to die and lots of cuddles and love and although very difficult keep your grieving away from him.  When his mom is sad or you are little ones pick up on this very rapidly and are deeply saddened themselves even though they don't understand death. 

If you don't mind could you tell me what town, state you live in and I can research more for counseling for your grandson if you feel what I have suggested above won't work (I think it will.)  I use to do research for a living at one job I had and would be happy to hunt down counseling for a 3 year old.

Another possibility if your grandson doesn't have a dog or cat perhaps his mother could get him one and have a little note for your grandson from 'grandpa' that although he can't come and see him right now that he has sent the dog or cat to him to care for that pet for grandpa.  This often works and as you know I find adoptive families for pets and once we had one little girl in who had her grandpa pass away and the dog did the trick. 

In some of my research I also found that a beloved person to the child has visited them when they go to bed at night and some children are wide away and innocently mention they saw 'grandpa' and they had a talk.  To us it may sound like they are dreaming, but personally I doubt it. 

I know your grandson will be just fine and again, important to keep telling him mommy and grandma aren't going anywhere and give him big hugs and kisses often.

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 30, 2018 at 6:14pm

A friend of mine posted this on my facebook page for me.  I hope the image came through

Image may contain: plant, flower, text and nature

Comment by deborah peck on January 29, 2018 at 5:05pm

Dear Marsha, yes I figured it was from the thing with my grandson, it was just such a crazy and sad dream We have told him so many times that his grandpa is in Heaven with Jesus but he doesn't get it, every day he says he wants his grndpa and wants us to get him a car so he can come back , its so sad that he just cant grasp it, hes just too little, have looked into counseling for him but don't know of anyplace that does this young

 

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