Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 16 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1.
Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10.
Started by Legacy.com Dec 28, 2017.
That is beautiful, Sara. It gives me a little bit of hope mixed with some happy tears
Hello everyone......had my breast cancer surgery yesterday....removed tumor and three lymph nodes. The pet scan and other tests did not show any cancer anywhere else but since I'm refusing chemo she took the three nodes to test and make sure. Had to have general anesthetic so throat hurts. I've never cried over the cancer. If I don't do chemo,which I'm not,and do not think radiation, I have a three to figure 've year window of reoccurring. This was stage two so why did I bother? It was very close to the surface,you could feel it with your finger, and was told when it grows it will come thru the skin as a painful, smelly ,open sore. I would not want anyone to take care of that. . If it was deep within I would have left it alone. I want so much to be with my Marshall and cannot do 10,15 years or so. I have 4-6 weeks to make a decision about radiation. The Dr is afraid ill change my mind later and it will be too late. I won't. I also can't do any of the cancer meds as it's triple negative resistant to hormone therapy. I'm so glad I found this site, it's been very helpful. Love you all
Dear Sara ... Thank you so much for leaving that poem for us and it brought great peace to me. Things have not been going so great for me right now and this made me feel much better. I hope you don't mind, but I printed it out.
Thanks so much again. Hope you are doing well.
Dear Deborah ... Again I had tears in my eyes reading your post especially with your grandson wanting to have a car for his grandfather to come home. I've researched this for you and of course a 3 year old as you say can's possibly grasp the rationalization of what death is. It suddenly dawned on me that several years ago one of our friends lost her husband who was only 25 years old leaving a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. The children were of course perplexed and of course their mother didn't know how to handle it. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized that when a young child loses a loved one that is close to them they thing #1 they are going to die and the big one is #2 Mommy or Grandma is going to die and leave them all alone. It is so important for your grandson to know you aren't going anywhere nor is his mother. I have put a link here for you to read and hope it helps: https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/bereavement-reactions-age-group
Remember, assurance from both his mother and you that you are not going to die and lots of cuddles and love and although very difficult keep your grieving away from him. When his mom is sad or you are little ones pick up on this very rapidly and are deeply saddened themselves even though they don't understand death.
If you don't mind could you tell me what town, state you live in and I can research more for counseling for your grandson if you feel what I have suggested above won't work (I think it will.) I use to do research for a living at one job I had and would be happy to hunt down counseling for a 3 year old.
Another possibility if your grandson doesn't have a dog or cat perhaps his mother could get him one and have a little note for your grandson from 'grandpa' that although he can't come and see him right now that he has sent the dog or cat to him to care for that pet for grandpa. This often works and as you know I find adoptive families for pets and once we had one little girl in who had her grandpa pass away and the dog did the trick.
In some of my research I also found that a beloved person to the child has visited them when they go to bed at night and some children are wide away and innocently mention they saw 'grandpa' and they had a talk. To us it may sound like they are dreaming, but personally I doubt it.
I know your grandson will be just fine and again, important to keep telling him mommy and grandma aren't going anywhere and give him big hugs and kisses often.
A friend of mine posted this on my facebook page for me. I hope the image came through
Dear Marsha, yes I figured it was from the thing with my grandson, it was just such a crazy and sad dream We have told him so many times that his grandpa is in Heaven with Jesus but he doesn't get it, every day he says he wants his grndpa and wants us to get him a car so he can come back , its so sad that he just cant grasp it, hes just too little, have looked into counseling for him but don't know of anyplace that does this young
Dear Deborah ... Your post had me in tears.
You had that dream because you were so upset from the experience you had with your 3 year old grandson. As cruel as the dream seems it's our bodies way of expressing the trauma (it is a trauma) and believe it or not these unsettled dreams do help even though at times they don't make sense.
Several years ago I studied dreams because I was also studying 'auras' that encircles every living thing on earth and it lead to the study re dreams. We dream every 1/2 hour, but it's the last few seconds when we are out of REM sleep (deep sleep) we can remember a pleasant or upsetting dream. I feel losing a spouse is Post Traumatic Stress because our lives are turned upside down. For awhile you will have some unsettling dreams, but they do go away eventually.
Shortly after Ernie passed away I had strange dreams of him being with other women and it was so real I would wake up angry. The strange thing of it all was Ernie was extremely loyal to me for 45 years. Eventually these dreams passed and then every so often I would have a dream where he was stroking my face, holding my hand, but oddly enough I would never see his face. I felt frustrated. Now, I seldom dream of him and at times wished I did. I am happy to say most of the time I feel he is close to me and watching out for me.
May I suggest to you that perhaps your grandson should have a talk with his mother about where his grandpa is. The truth is the best way even at 3 years old as little ones can hear adults discussing death or missing someone. It can be put this way: Grandpa had to leave us as he had important work for God, but he loves us all and one day (a long way away) you will see your grandpa again in heaven. You can't see him, but he's around watching over you.
I hope this helps Deborah and I know it's not only heart-breaking for you, but also your grandson.
Rough couple of days, yesterday it started when we got to my 13 year old grandsons basketball game and when we got out of the car my 3 year old grandson insisted that the building next to it was where his pa-pa was, if you could of seen his face he looked so confused, I think maybe he remembered the brick from the funeral home. Then last night I dreamed of Greg but not a good dream, I dreamed he was in prison for 2 years but it was more like rehab for his stroke. My little grandson and I went to see him and and got to spend time with him and I told him we would be back soon, then when me and grandson got home I missed him so much I was trying to figure out how to get back there the next day, he was 2 hours from me. So woke up in tears, don't know what to make of all this
Dear Chicago Beard ... I am so sorry you couldn't be their for your Rose. My Ernie was in Hospice for less than 24 hours. I was there and wanted to spend the night as he was breathing heavily, but he told me he didn't want me to stay, but agreed with me I could come back the next day and spend the day and night with him. I sure didn't want to leave him, but also didn't want to upset him anymore than he was. I came home and never slept and at 6 AM I got a phone call from Hospice that he was dying. I was in shock! I phoned my girlfriend to come get me as I knew I wasn't in any shape to drive and just as we were leaving my house at 6:30 AM the Hospice phoned and said my beloved Ernie had passed away. I felt guilt, then angry at him for sending me home when I wanted to be there and comfort him, but after 2 years of grieving I realized that I had given him the gift of telling him I would fine and was OK to let himself go and so, he chose his own way to do so. This isn't uncommon and even if you had been there and even left for a second often your loved one will pass away just at that time. I realize it is a personal journey for them and it confirms there is something better they are headed for.
Many hospitals today in ICU or floors in hospitals where there are terminal patience some nurse sit taking notes as to what the patient is saying. They are studying the transition of life to death more and more and often they do see a loved one that has predeceased and perhaps they have come to lead them on that journey. I have come to terms with it all now and realize Ernie wanted to spare me from seeing him pass away and that was his gift to me. I also believe one day we will see them again. How can we have met someone we met and loved for a short time or a long time and know that love is strong and it just ends in death. It doesn't. That being said I do believe also our spouses would want us to go on and to be happy until our time comes. So my dear friend hold Rose close to your heart as you do and be at peace and enjoy the life you have now. She should want it that way.
Chicago I'm so sorry that you didn't get to have a so called peaceful ending with your wife. I know the hospice nurse told us that sometimes they wait until we aren't around to pass, that it is easier for them. My husband ended up back in the hospital having trouble breathing turned out he was sepsis from the flu and after a week in the hospital he came around enough to realize he was dying and wanted to go home, he came home on hospice that same day and passed the next day with me laying beside him and about 30 family members in our bedroom, he laid there having so much trouble breathing until I told him that I would be okay and then he just stopped, it was like he was waiting for permission. So I consider myself lucky that we were together as I know you wish you were but maybe she just couldn't with you there and had to wait till she knew you were in a safe place.
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