Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 5:12am

Hi Rebecca ...  I'm sort of in the same spot you are.  I have been out on one date and although he was a gentleman he was to old for me so I had to let him down easy.  Like you I thought it would be nice to just be friends, but then realized it would probably end up hurting him and I wouldn't be honest in my feelings.  I have not been on a date since then.  I honestly prefer the good old fashion way of meeting someone nice and a true gentleman, but now it's all these dating sites that I really don't like.  I feel they are dangerous to a point because you never really know who you are talking to.  I'm Canadian and we have 'Plenty of Fish', but that particular site is also very risky.  My niece has my profile done up and I have a few pictures of myself, but have not had the nerve to put my profile on a dating site.  I haven't heard of too many people getting lucky and finding someone that is compatible to them.  I have also come to the conclusion that Ernie is gone and to a better place and I am lonely and would like to share my life to a point with someone.

You didn't mention if you met a nice American gentleman if you would move back to the U.S.  If you are willing to move back then there should be no limit as to all the lonely American men out there.  Take a chance!

Comment by Rebecca Aughenbaugh on February 7, 2018 at 4:20am

Hello everyone.
After 13 years passing, losing the love of my life Jim. I went on a date. He was a lovely man but he wasn't Jim. I meet him on Plenty of Fish. Not my favourite way to meet. But at 47 I am not going to go to the local disco,lol. I didn't feel any attraction to him, but I briefly thought about seeing him for the company. I thought how nice it would be to have someone to go for walks with. Maybe spontaneous weekends away. And also someone to snuggle on the sofa watching a movie. But quickly I realised I couldn't fake or use anyone to fill my Empty heart. It would be cruel to use someone that way.
He wanted to see me again, but I said I wasn't ready. It wasn't completely honest but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I am lonely, I do want to meet someone. Because no matter how much I wish my Jim wasn't dead he was. He's not coming back. I am lucky however to have had 10 years with the most amazing man. Some people never have that.
My husband was American ( I am British). I was happiest in the states, so I would love to meet another American man. I spent nearly 20 years in the states before I moved back to the UK. So I feel American. Its a lifestyle I love. But It's almost impossible to meet an American male. There is no " British widow looking for an American man with all his own teeth,lol)
So what do I do. Do I spend the rest of my life alone? 

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 3:41am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  I'm blushing!  Thank you for the lovely compliment, but more importantly I am so please you got some peace from what I said.  

You are so right that each one of us on here is so very lucky to have found true love and a love where two souls meet as one.  Not many people ever have the opportunity of finding such love.  Unfortunately, it seems to make the grief that much harder for us, but then again (here I go) time although it doesn't heal us, at least we can tolerate life and carry that torch of our loved one and the memories to keep them alive in the memories of all those who loved them.  

I am honored that you would put that post in your journal and again, it gives you some peace.


Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 3:36am

Dear David ...  Thank you for that lovely post.  I will admit at times that my faith falters so I take my dogs up to a protected nature walk up on the dykes when the weather permits and it's so beautiful and peaceful there.  Birds, otter, seals, majestic mountains and oh, the beautiful sunsets.  I pray to God there as I feel closer to him than in any church.  I know while walking, smelling, looking at the beauty of nature that all of it just didn't happen, so, to me it proves a point to me that when our loved one passes away death is not the end and in some way they are with us.  

I realized through my grief it's a journey we must all take alone and even when we don't believe so we are learning more and more about life and ourselves and just how strong we can be.  My journey still isn't over and I'm trying so hard to not be as lonely as I feel, but I keep smiling.

I hope and pray that today is a day for you full of peace and some joy.


Comment by Mary. Jane on February 6, 2018 at 8:11pm

Marsha..thank you for your reply to my post...but I want to comment on your post to David.

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I took a screen shot of it, and plan to print it out and paste it in my journal.your insight and kindness brought me to I read it, and thought of all the wonderful things you wrote. It applies to all of us as we journey on this path of grief...yes, I too, believe we are the blessed ones...we found our special soulmates...we had love that was meant to be...some people never find what we had...and your words perfectly put that into prospective.Thank you for that wonderful unexpected gift.

And, yes, since I believe in reincarnation, and that we return to this earth, and  I know that we will find our same soulmates again in another life


Comment by David Heggi on February 6, 2018 at 4:36pm

Thank you, Marsha,

How sweet of you to take the time to share with not only me, but everyone here - we do not suffer alone.

Yes, there are people made for each other.  I firmly believe in God's plans for us;  if we would only be still and know that He IS God.

It's uncanny when we "happen" to meet someone we feel we have known all our lives.  It's not; it cannot be happenstance.  It's all about love, not about all of life's varied distractions.

I know that you must've had to reach deep down inside of you to find a way to live.  Thank you for sharing what you have learned.


Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:22pm

Dear Mary.Jane ...  You never whine!  Never think that.  This is simply a place we can air out how we feel on any given day.  

Oh yes, who would ever guess a high light bulb would cause us to cry.  Now I am trying to clean the blinds over my kitchen sink and it's tricky, but since I don't have any little elves around here I have to give it a go.  That is going to be one ugly sight!  LOL

I am so proud of you that you poured the Bourbon down the drain.  You are right that alcohol only makes you feel a little better for a short time, but drains the life out of you.  Trust me when I say I wish at times I could have one day out of a month I could have a couple of drinks and just let time go by as I lay in a stupor of peace, but I don't drink much at all.  My body won't take it like it did when I was younger.  I may have 4 White Russians in a year.  I do smoke and since Ernie passed I smoke far too much, but with the winter months it's difficult to keep busy so I won't smoke so waiting for spring so I can get out get busy in the gardens, go for leisurely walks with the dogs on the dyke and hopefully quit smoking entirely.  We all have a habit of some sort whether it's alcohol, smoking, medications, over-eating, etc.  We are trying to appease ourselves.  

What you are going through with going through papers of Bob's, cards he's given you, finding photos or even just going through his clothing is traumatic for any of us.  I have since given away most of Ernie's clothing, but did keep a couple of things of his just to remind myself he was here for real.  Sometimes with all we go through it feels like a dream and they were never here.  Doesn't make sense I know, but that's the way of it for some of us.

When Ernie first passed away my brain made me believe he would be coming home walking up the driveway swinging his lunch pack with a big smile on his face and each day I honestly expected him to walk in that door.  Then it went from that to, 'oh, he's with a friend and they've gone fishing for a few days.'  It's very normal to feel this way and it's the brain's way of coping with things.  Now I know he is not coming back and I am in a new routine now.

Take your time going through things and if you are unsure of what to get rid of or what to keep then just keep it and decide later when you move to California.

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:09pm

Dear Deborah ...  Those special occasions hurt us all.  Valentine's Day (day of love) hits me hard, but I do buy Ernie a card and get a helium balloon; write love notes on it and go to our favorite place and let the balloon fly to the heavens.  I imagine Ernie with his hands held out to catch that balloon.  Crazy as it may seem it brings me peace.  I have been doing this for 7 years now.  I suppose it's just to let him know I still love him and haven't forgotten him.

I am so happy you are going to the cabin as you feel close to be close to your spouse.  It can be peaceful and a time for reflection on your part.  I wish you only the very best full of peace and between the tears memories that bring you joy and some happiness.

I wish everyone a good day with peace and love in your hearts.  Be kind to yourself because we certainly have earned it.


Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:02pm

Dear David ....  I know how lonely it can feel without our spouses and I still have my bad days, but not as many.  Whether the word 'time' helps people or makes them angry time does help us cope better, but time never stops the heartache we feel after losing a loved one, but intensity isn't as bad.

When you feel up to it just sit and think about this:  Before you met David there were millions of people around and you probably met a 100 or more people up to then and suddenly you met David.  Just chance?  I think not.  I believe there is that special person we are meant to meet.  We all were so lucky we did meet that special someone to share our life with.  We cried together, had fun, laughter, shared old memories, shared our hopes and dreams with them and they to us, made many memories together and learned from each other.  Even the occasional argument could never hinder the relationships we had with that special love of our life.  So, that being said when it took us that long for two people to meet and know they were the right person for us I do not believe it ends there.  Love is a mighty thing, it's in our heart and soul for each other and although we will never forget them they are there helping us through the worst of grief and watching over us periodically.  I also believe we will meet with them again and a further question comes up, 'did we know them before?'  When I met Ernie, I honestly felt that we'd known each other before and picking up where we left off.  I know that such a love doesn't dissipate after our spouse passes away and part of them will always stay with us.  As cruel as grief is it is a time for learning and to move ahead.  

I realized after 3 - 4 years that I had to reach back before I met Ernie as to what type of person I was, the person he fell in love with and realized that person is still within 'me.'  All the things he loved about me I still have and I just need to try to fulfill that as best I can and move on carrying the torch for him and not letting family or friends forget him until Ernie and I meet again.  I hope you do come to this realization when it's in your time frame.  

Comment by David Heggi on February 6, 2018 at 11:18am

Dear Christine,

I'm glad you found a grief recovery group that you are comfortable with.  It's so good you have your daughter. Of course she isn't happy

with your decision to not have a more aggressive treatment - she loves you.  As much as family and friends care, we sometimes just need to be left alone in our own space,

I have a long history with the panic disorder;  it can be treated and

episodes will lessen and become less severe.

I cannot help you with the crying: I sob like a baby every day too.

Yes, this site is a lifesaver.  I don't know what I would've done

w/o all of you.

Try to have a good day, Christine

Your friend,



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