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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:02pm

Dear David ....  I know how lonely it can feel without our spouses and I still have my bad days, but not as many.  Whether the word 'time' helps people or makes them angry time does help us cope better, but time never stops the heartache we feel after losing a loved one, but intensity isn't as bad.

When you feel up to it just sit and think about this:  Before you met David there were millions of people around and you probably met a 100 or more people up to then and suddenly you met David.  Just chance?  I think not.  I believe there is that special person we are meant to meet.  We all were so lucky we did meet that special someone to share our life with.  We cried together, had fun, laughter, shared old memories, shared our hopes and dreams with them and they to us, made many memories together and learned from each other.  Even the occasional argument could never hinder the relationships we had with that special love of our life.  So, that being said when it took us that long for two people to meet and know they were the right person for us I do not believe it ends there.  Love is a mighty thing, it's in our heart and soul for each other and although we will never forget them they are there helping us through the worst of grief and watching over us periodically.  I also believe we will meet with them again and a further question comes up, 'did we know them before?'  When I met Ernie, I honestly felt that we'd known each other before and picking up where we left off.  I know that such a love doesn't dissipate after our spouse passes away and part of them will always stay with us.  As cruel as grief is it is a time for learning and to move ahead.  

I realized after 3 - 4 years that I had to reach back before I met Ernie as to what type of person I was, the person he fell in love with and realized that person is still within 'me.'  All the things he loved about me I still have and I just need to try to fulfill that as best I can and move on carrying the torch for him and not letting family or friends forget him until Ernie and I meet again.  I hope you do come to this realization when it's in your time frame.  

Comment by David Heggi on February 6, 2018 at 11:18am

Dear Christine,

I'm glad you found a grief recovery group that you are comfortable with.  It's so good you have your daughter. Of course she isn't happy

with your decision to not have a more aggressive treatment - she loves you.  As much as family and friends care, we sometimes just need to be left alone in our own space,

I have a long history with the panic disorder;  it can be treated and

episodes will lessen and become less severe.

I cannot help you with the crying: I sob like a baby every day too.

Yes, this site is a lifesaver.  I don't know what I would've done

w/o all of you.

Try to have a good day, Christine

Your friend,

David

Comment by deborah peck on February 6, 2018 at 10:30am

Dear David and Marsha, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, Marsha, the dates are the worse, wish we could just sleep thru them, I know I'm dreading Valentines day, ughh. In may it will be 1 year, still have a hard time coming to grips with him being gone. I'm going to the mountains over that week as we always went to a cabin there and I feel like its our place and feel like I will really connect with him there.its crazy to think a year is coming up so Marsha I cant imagine 2 years even though I know we will all get to a better place in our minds eventually its Hell right now. I hope everyone is in a good place today and has a nice day. Debbie

Comment by Christine Blaire on February 5, 2018 at 9:29pm

Dear Mark, Mary Jane....there is a grief recovery program at a local funeral home that's a ten week course and religious in nature. I went to the first one and will go to the third one tomorrow night. Missed the second as that was the day of my surgery. They are so kind,they blessed me and said a prayer. I'm going to continue with this I felt very comfortable. It will be a week tomorrow post surgery. I'm very bruised and where the lymph nodes were removed hurts the most. It all looks good( haha) as far as infection,etc. I get tired easily which is not typical. I've even taken a couple naps over the past week. The ice packs are great and I'm careful with the pain meds. My daughter has been staying with me,bless her. She isn't happy with my decision not to do radiation but understands it. Without it it's 50-50 . I don't care. I'm glad and blessed that she is here but will be glad when Friday comes and the surgeon says I'm ok to be alone. It doesn't seem to make any sense,I want the company but want to be alone to. Pretty stupid. Still crying and having panic attacks. I have come to believe they will never go away and I'm ok with that. This site helps so much. All of you here understand more than anyone else. Bless you all.

Comment by David Heggi on February 5, 2018 at 6:10pm

Dear Marsha,

you are so kind to share those thoughts with me.  I wake up feeling David's presence, and then all too soon realize that I am alone - how can our loved ones not be here to rally us; we shared our earthly journeys together as one. yet, still I have to wonder if that's not true.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 5, 2018 at 6:02pm

HAHAHAHA...Marsha...thank u for your post about lightbulbs...that was the second highlight of my day. I do the same thing when one goes out. Seriously, I cry. Also, that is good to know about the death certificate thing. Takes away a lot of concerns.

But the real highlight of my day was about an hour ago...when I dumped over a half a liter of Wellers Green bourbon down the sink. I was sober for 37 years until about a year ago...I thought I was handling it just fine...yeah, right. No more temporary buzz to make me feel better. I finally figured it was more trouble in the long run...being a drunk is ALOT of work, and pain, just for a few quick buzzes that only last minutes..while the rest of the time I get to lie, hide, vomit and still don,t have Bob back. 

It will b 2 years since Bob died in a few weeks..and I am not handling it very well. I have been going through all our files, papers, photo..trying to get ready to move back to California..but there is so much STUFF! And each thing comes with a memory. Last year I was fine during this time, as I was living in LaLa Land..actually believing that Bob hadnt really died...combine that with the fact that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR...and that is my life. Thanks for letting me whine. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2018 at 5:04pm

Mary.Jane ...  Sorry to interrupt your post to Mark.  When you sign up for these programs I at least had to provide a copy of Ernie's Death Certificate.  I found the program for grief at the church extremely safe.  If in doubt phone the church and ask to talk to someone there and how they verify who is really in grief and how do they know for sure each person  is.  I understand your fears living alone, but if you need to feel safe for a bit until you get use to things don't go home right away.  Go to your friends for a bit or out for a coffee.  

I hope you do phone so that the person holding the grief program can help you with your concerns.  I never had any problems going to the church for grief counseling.  If it's not for you then you can go to a one-on-one grief session.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2018 at 4:59pm

Dear David ...  I cry when I hear that song too, but it makes me realize our beloved spouses are near us and walk beside us when we are at our lowest or feel we can't go on.  I want to give you an example:

Going into my first year of grief and slightly realization gripping me I felt so low, lonely and depressed and nothing I did seemed to work  out.  Even a light bulb going out that was to hard for me to reach would make me burst into tears and then I realized every time I felt this low about something the phone would ring within minutes and one of Ernie's friends would call and ask if there was anything they could do.  This was not random and it happened many times.  I could also feel Ernie around me and when I was in a tough spot I know he was there for me.  How lucky we are that God is on one side of us and our loved one on the other side giving us strength and going on into the future.  

I also love 'The Wind Beneath my Wings' and 'The Rose' as I'm a big Bette Midler fan.

So cry when you have to, but always remember your spouse is right there for you in your time of need with a boost from God.

I hope you are having a much better day David.

Comment by David Heggi on February 5, 2018 at 3:31pm

Marsha,

Your song made me cry like it was just yesterday that  my beloved died,  Then I listened to Bette Midler's  "The Wind Beneath my Wings" and "The Rose"  I truly lost it.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 5, 2018 at 2:21pm

Ok..MARK

this is about the grief sharing groups you suggested..I checked, and there is one close to me...and I had decided I might go check it out..but then had second thoughts..I hate to sound paranoid, but I am. How do I know these people are all trustworthy? In this day and age, one cannot be too careful, and walking into a meeting of strangers, how can I b sure they are genuine. Of course I know that 99% of them are..but it is the one % I am afraid of. I have spent a great deal,of time making sure random people don,t know I am an older widow, living alone. Yes, I live in fear of everything..and I haven,t posted much lately cuz my husband of almost 49 years  2 year anniversary of his DOD is coming up at the end of this month...so I am in a bad place already...but my mind goes to the worst case scenario...someone following me home, knowing where I live and killing me. YEP, I am real stable these days. Thanks, and I apologize for my lack of trust.

 

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