Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Steve Cain on February 9, 2018 at 12:11am

Mary Jane,

I can't begin to express how badly I feel for you right now as you go through this process.  There will be times throughout this new "normal" that you will go through these feelings. I'm not ashamed to admit one time, in a grocery store, when I couldn't find the spaghetti sauce we used that I started looking up, tears in my eyes, apologizing for failing, just because I hadn't found that sauce (eventually I did).

Here would be my suggestion, each day, take three hours for this process. Take hour one to either go through a particular year or a particular item (poems, bills, etc). Use hour two to sort through what you went through. Obviously anything that you might need for legal purposes put in a lockbox or vertical file box with folders you can put things into to keep them organized. Hour three is when you have your catharsis and cry, talk to him, what ever you need to release the pain and bring yourself back. Don't be afraid to take a day or two off from the process just to give yourself a vacation. Getting overly stressed trying to do it all will take a toll on your health and make it harder to do these things. Let us know how you're doing as you go through the process.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 8, 2018 at 9:18pm

Nobody told me THIS would be so terrible. I have spent the last 4 days shredding our lives.  It is weeks away from the 2 year anniversary of Bobs death...and the plan all along was I move back to California, and it is time I started getting ready, so I have been sorting thru almost 50 years of paper...and it is a nightmare. I am not the most organized person, and my filing system is to stuff everything in envelopes, write the year on it, and stuff it into a shelf. Oh yeah, and we NEVER threw anything receipts, letters, Dr bills, and more,  everything has to be sorted through...and it is almost as bad as having him die all over again. So many memories...just looking at his signature sends me over the edge..I found poems, and cards, notes, I am an emotional wreck...and this is just the beginning. I am very shocked at the toll it is taking...I am not hungry, my heart keeps pounding, I am basically leaving my now life, to get ready for a new life...and I am terrified!!

Have you gone through this? I knew this would be tough, but I had no idea of the emotional toll it is taking. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 8, 2018 at 4:11pm

Hi Sara ...  Thanks for the tip and the encouragement about dating sites.  When in doubt go on google and put in:  Reviews of __________whatever dating site you are on.  I also just went on 'Our Time' and the reviews are not good at all.  The best thing to do is Google 'what are the best dating sites with the most security.'  I may try that.  Like you I don't plan on getting married again, but it's difficult to go out anywhere alone in the evening and it would be nice if I could meet a nice gentleman friend even if it was just for companionship as it opens doors to go more places.  I don't feel comfortable going to bars on my own and I don't drink much anyway.  All of my girlfriends are married and I don't have any single girlfriends so that adds to the problem as well.

I hope you are doing better and have some peace and joy in your life.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 7, 2018 at 9:37pm

Rebecca......I applaud you for even taking the step of going on a date.  I lost my husband just 2 years ago and still feel I'm a very long way from taking that step.  Maybe eventually just for companionship but I'll never marry again.  Dating sites do scare me but after your 20's, maybe 30's, there's really no place to meet people unless you like going to bars.  There's a dating site called Our Time.  I'm not sure if it's all through the U.S. or just the east coast but it's for people over 50.  I'm 52 so I'll probably give that a try when I'm ready......a few years from now. 

Marsha.......I actually know several people who've met their spouses on dating sites, 2 of whom are my sisters.  It is possible to find someone compatible but you do have to be careful.  I'm sure there are people looking to take advantage. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 5:12am

Hi Rebecca ...  I'm sort of in the same spot you are.  I have been out on one date and although he was a gentleman he was to old for me so I had to let him down easy.  Like you I thought it would be nice to just be friends, but then realized it would probably end up hurting him and I wouldn't be honest in my feelings.  I have not been on a date since then.  I honestly prefer the good old fashion way of meeting someone nice and a true gentleman, but now it's all these dating sites that I really don't like.  I feel they are dangerous to a point because you never really know who you are talking to.  I'm Canadian and we have 'Plenty of Fish', but that particular site is also very risky.  My niece has my profile done up and I have a few pictures of myself, but have not had the nerve to put my profile on a dating site.  I haven't heard of too many people getting lucky and finding someone that is compatible to them.  I have also come to the conclusion that Ernie is gone and to a better place and I am lonely and would like to share my life to a point with someone.

You didn't mention if you met a nice American gentleman if you would move back to the U.S.  If you are willing to move back then there should be no limit as to all the lonely American men out there.  Take a chance!

Comment by Rebecca Aughenbaugh on February 7, 2018 at 4:20am

Hello everyone.
After 13 years passing, losing the love of my life Jim. I went on a date. He was a lovely man but he wasn't Jim. I meet him on Plenty of Fish. Not my favourite way to meet. But at 47 I am not going to go to the local disco,lol. I didn't feel any attraction to him, but I briefly thought about seeing him for the company. I thought how nice it would be to have someone to go for walks with. Maybe spontaneous weekends away. And also someone to snuggle on the sofa watching a movie. But quickly I realised I couldn't fake or use anyone to fill my Empty heart. It would be cruel to use someone that way.
He wanted to see me again, but I said I wasn't ready. It wasn't completely honest but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I am lonely, I do want to meet someone. Because no matter how much I wish my Jim wasn't dead he was. He's not coming back. I am lucky however to have had 10 years with the most amazing man. Some people never have that.
My husband was American ( I am British). I was happiest in the states, so I would love to meet another American man. I spent nearly 20 years in the states before I moved back to the UK. So I feel American. Its a lifestyle I love. But It's almost impossible to meet an American male. There is no " British widow looking for an American man with all his own teeth,lol)
So what do I do. Do I spend the rest of my life alone? 

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 3:41am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  I'm blushing!  Thank you for the lovely compliment, but more importantly I am so please you got some peace from what I said.  

You are so right that each one of us on here is so very lucky to have found true love and a love where two souls meet as one.  Not many people ever have the opportunity of finding such love.  Unfortunately, it seems to make the grief that much harder for us, but then again (here I go) time although it doesn't heal us, at least we can tolerate life and carry that torch of our loved one and the memories to keep them alive in the memories of all those who loved them.  

I am honored that you would put that post in your journal and again, it gives you some peace.


Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2018 at 3:36am

Dear David ...  Thank you for that lovely post.  I will admit at times that my faith falters so I take my dogs up to a protected nature walk up on the dykes when the weather permits and it's so beautiful and peaceful there.  Birds, otter, seals, majestic mountains and oh, the beautiful sunsets.  I pray to God there as I feel closer to him than in any church.  I know while walking, smelling, looking at the beauty of nature that all of it just didn't happen, so, to me it proves a point to me that when our loved one passes away death is not the end and in some way they are with us.  

I realized through my grief it's a journey we must all take alone and even when we don't believe so we are learning more and more about life and ourselves and just how strong we can be.  My journey still isn't over and I'm trying so hard to not be as lonely as I feel, but I keep smiling.

I hope and pray that today is a day for you full of peace and some joy.


Comment by Mary. Jane on February 6, 2018 at 8:11pm

Marsha..thank you for your reply to my post...but I want to comment on your post to David.

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I took a screen shot of it, and plan to print it out and paste it in my journal.your insight and kindness brought me to I read it, and thought of all the wonderful things you wrote. It applies to all of us as we journey on this path of grief...yes, I too, believe we are the blessed ones...we found our special soulmates...we had love that was meant to be...some people never find what we had...and your words perfectly put that into prospective.Thank you for that wonderful unexpected gift.

And, yes, since I believe in reincarnation, and that we return to this earth, and  I know that we will find our same soulmates again in another life


Comment by David Heggi on February 6, 2018 at 4:36pm

Thank you, Marsha,

How sweet of you to take the time to share with not only me, but everyone here - we do not suffer alone.

Yes, there are people made for each other.  I firmly believe in God's plans for us;  if we would only be still and know that He IS God.

It's uncanny when we "happen" to meet someone we feel we have known all our lives.  It's not; it cannot be happenstance.  It's all about love, not about all of life's varied distractions.

I know that you must've had to reach deep down inside of you to find a way to live.  Thank you for sharing what you have learned.



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