Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2018 at 4:30am

Dear Steve Cain, thanks for the information and I'll give it a try.  Wish me luck (I'm going to need it.  LOL)

Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2018 at 4:28am

Rebecca ...  Also wanted to add that on a very, very few occasions some people do meet on this site and take their chat to 'privacy', but it's rare.  If someone is using the name of a person on here I doubt it's them at all.  Now you know why I don't care for Facebook!  Private IS NOT private.  I've had friends get into also sorts of scrapes on there.  It's OK to chat about every day things, but private issues I hesitate.  

Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2018 at 4:12am

Mary.Jane ... Steve Cain gave you some good advice.  There is no great rush to 'do it all' so take a breather every so often.  Instead of reading each piece of paper get a box and mark it 'important papers' and just put them in the box and go through them when you are in California.  I also had suggested if you give some of Bob's clothing away to keep the odd thing like a sweater he use to wear; T-shirt, bathrobe.  You don't have to give everything he owned away.  How I know what you are going through and I felt as if I was letting Ernie know he was gone and so what.  It was just a necessity I had to sell the truck/camper and his beloved boat (that was the hardest one) because it was of no use to me any longer. When each one was bought I cried all day so it's normal to feel this way.  I fell into a complete stupor when I had to take his name off of accounts at the bank, give copies of his death certificate because reality finally slapped me in the face.   Bob's in your heart Mary and no one can take that away.  

Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2018 at 4:03am

Rebecca ...  I checked this email out for you and 'don't answer it!'  Go to this link: Basically tells you what is it's about and also is a good company based in Russia, but, this one is a scam or someone trying to get into your private sites.

Hope this helps.


Comment by deborah peck on February 9, 2018 at 3:03am

Rebecca , that is very weird, I wouldn't respond to it, its a little scary, people can find so much about you by you respomding

Comment by Rebecca Aughenbaugh on February 9, 2018 at 2:17am

Hello friends.

i just received this email from a person on here. Alarm bells rang when I read it. Am I being silly?. 

Here is the message.

e added a comment to your profile on LegacyConnect

Good Day,

How is everything with you, I picked interest on you after going through your short profile and deemed it necessary to write you immediately. I have something very vital to disclose to you, but I found it difficult to express myself here, since it's a public site.Could you please get back to me on:( for the full details.

Have a nice day

Thanks God bless.

Comment by Steve Cain on February 9, 2018 at 12:11am

Mary Jane,

I can't begin to express how badly I feel for you right now as you go through this process.  There will be times throughout this new "normal" that you will go through these feelings. I'm not ashamed to admit one time, in a grocery store, when I couldn't find the spaghetti sauce we used that I started looking up, tears in my eyes, apologizing for failing, just because I hadn't found that sauce (eventually I did).

Here would be my suggestion, each day, take three hours for this process. Take hour one to either go through a particular year or a particular item (poems, bills, etc). Use hour two to sort through what you went through. Obviously anything that you might need for legal purposes put in a lockbox or vertical file box with folders you can put things into to keep them organized. Hour three is when you have your catharsis and cry, talk to him, what ever you need to release the pain and bring yourself back. Don't be afraid to take a day or two off from the process just to give yourself a vacation. Getting overly stressed trying to do it all will take a toll on your health and make it harder to do these things. Let us know how you're doing as you go through the process.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 8, 2018 at 9:18pm

Nobody told me THIS would be so terrible. I have spent the last 4 days shredding our lives.  It is weeks away from the 2 year anniversary of Bobs death...and the plan all along was I move back to California, and it is time I started getting ready, so I have been sorting thru almost 50 years of paper...and it is a nightmare. I am not the most organized person, and my filing system is to stuff everything in envelopes, write the year on it, and stuff it into a shelf. Oh yeah, and we NEVER threw anything receipts, letters, Dr bills, and more,  everything has to be sorted through...and it is almost as bad as having him die all over again. So many memories...just looking at his signature sends me over the edge..I found poems, and cards, notes, I am an emotional wreck...and this is just the beginning. I am very shocked at the toll it is taking...I am not hungry, my heart keeps pounding, I am basically leaving my now life, to get ready for a new life...and I am terrified!!

Have you gone through this? I knew this would be tough, but I had no idea of the emotional toll it is taking. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 8, 2018 at 4:11pm

Hi Sara ...  Thanks for the tip and the encouragement about dating sites.  When in doubt go on google and put in:  Reviews of __________whatever dating site you are on.  I also just went on 'Our Time' and the reviews are not good at all.  The best thing to do is Google 'what are the best dating sites with the most security.'  I may try that.  Like you I don't plan on getting married again, but it's difficult to go out anywhere alone in the evening and it would be nice if I could meet a nice gentleman friend even if it was just for companionship as it opens doors to go more places.  I don't feel comfortable going to bars on my own and I don't drink much anyway.  All of my girlfriends are married and I don't have any single girlfriends so that adds to the problem as well.

I hope you are doing better and have some peace and joy in your life.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 7, 2018 at 9:37pm

Rebecca......I applaud you for even taking the step of going on a date.  I lost my husband just 2 years ago and still feel I'm a very long way from taking that step.  Maybe eventually just for companionship but I'll never marry again.  Dating sites do scare me but after your 20's, maybe 30's, there's really no place to meet people unless you like going to bars.  There's a dating site called Our Time.  I'm not sure if it's all through the U.S. or just the east coast but it's for people over 50.  I'm 52 so I'll probably give that a try when I'm ready......a few years from now. 

Marsha.......I actually know several people who've met their spouses on dating sites, 2 of whom are my sisters.  It is possible to find someone compatible but you do have to be careful.  I'm sure there are people looking to take advantage. 


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