Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Comment by Chicago Beard on February 12, 2018 at 11:06am

Mary Jane

Just read your comment about moving and going through things. I can only imagine how you feel. When I went through Rose's clothes I cried like I did on the day she died. The wound is still raw and having to revisit any part of your lives together hurts terribly. I feel for you and am sending positive thoughts and huge virtual hugs!

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 12, 2018 at 10:30am

Oh Chuck! Waking up, and seeing your post to me the first thing in the morning was like a little kid seeing the presents under a tree on Christmas Day. I promise i will  write more later, but I have to get dressed and put the 7 bags of garbage out for pickup b4 the guy comes...all filled with tiny bits of paper. Back later

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 12, 2018 at 3:57am

Hello Mary Jane,

I keep dropping in and out here these days, and I miss so much that is happening with people I truly have come to view as family that it makes me feel guilty. Steve uses his laptop daily and mentions if there is much activity or someone's name who is having a particularly rough time. I vow to sit down and read everything to catch-up, then another week slips by.Reading about your pending move and the related comments right now makes this a good time to jump in again.

This will probably be long, so if it ends up in multiple parts excuse me. I have been, like Steve, sorting through belongings that were moved from NJ, and finding (and to my frustration NOT finding) many things that I want or need. This brings me to my first point. I am glad you are starting this painful ordeal now, not waiting until the last minute like I did. I was so stressed and exhausted by the fallout from my constant procrastination that I made some bad decisions regarding keeping, tossing, wrapping, and especially labeling boxes and containers.

I was really strapped financially , so we did all our own packing. Steve had only those things he brought from Dallas by car, the rest in storage. This allowed him to do the brunt of the emptying of cabinets, closets, and bookcases. He was a bit overwhelmed by 34 years worth of Larry's and my things, but never pressured me to eliminate anything unless he saw I was being irrational about something like a broken stereo or linens that were ready for the trash.

During the final week, I was so terrified of not finishing before the closing that I shifted into overdrive and thought I was doing really well. I was as far as getting things packed, but the way I did it is now coming back to haunt me. There is no rhyme or reason to what I packed together in cartons, and I took to labeling many cartons with cryptic words I was sure I would understand once in Texas - no even close.

Comment by Dr Gayle K on February 11, 2018 at 5:00pm

thank you Steve will look forward to it... I don't need to bask I just wanted to share hope.... so many that I have shared the story with elsewhere have each commented on how warm it makes them feel..... and hopeful.... one of the wonderful things we did at our wedding was to have a butterfly release with our guests... in memory of our children and celebration of our new life together.... butterflies have long been a symbol of hope, new beginnings and change. For me it was even more special because my daughter's name is Vanessa. Each of our names mean something and hers means butterfly.   I wish each of you hope....

Comment by Steve Cain on February 11, 2018 at 4:50pm

Gayle, what an awesome story! Sometime I'll tell mine but this is your post and your moment, bask in it, health and happiness to you and your husband.

Comment by Dr Gayle K on February 11, 2018 at 4:35pm

You never know what tomorrow will bring..... I just remarried 12/31/17.... a new years newly wed. My husband and i were both widowed in 2015 after 25 years of marriage each. we met in 2016 and it was magic from the first weekend. 

we have since discovered that we have been orbiting each other our entire lives...we were in the philippines, san francisco, san antonio, phoenix at the same time in our lives, he grew up 25 miles from my grandmothers house.... but it took us until now to finally find each other... we both had good marriages, both had buried a child.... (a group none of us want to belong to as well as buried spouses)... i want this to be a message of hope that you never know what the next day will bring.... and i wish each and every one of you peace and perspective in the complications of life so that you may each find your tomorrows..... they do exist just be open to them.   

Comment by deborah peck on February 11, 2018 at 11:25am

Steve, thanks for the info, we are covered in ice here so staying put for now, sorry you learned the hard way that stinks but glad its better now

Comment by Steve Cain on February 11, 2018 at 10:31am

A little off the subject but I just want to make sure everyone stays safe during this weather situation for our Midwest-East Coast members. If weather conditions are bad, avoid travel if possible,  If you are employed by a company that will let you work online at home, do so.

Also, make sure to avoid frozen water lines by letting water drip from both hot and cold. This is something I just learned this year after spending the entire first week of the year without water due to frozen lines. If you can get it, get what is commonly called heat tape and apply it to the main exposed pipe in your home. It requires electricity so make sure there is an outlet nearby or you have a safe grounded extension cord to plug it into. Also, make sure you have an extra large full bottle of water, two if you can, so that if you do wind up with frozen pipes, you have water for drinking and cooking.

Finally, if you do get a frozen pipe, DO NOT try and use a torch to heat up the pipes to unfreeze them! If you can't afford a licensed plumber to bring heat clamps over to do the work, use a hair dryer on high and run it up and down the pipes. The process will take time, so be patient.

I hope you all stay safe.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 9, 2018 at 9:22pm

Well, he DID have a profile page about an hour ago..I should have taken a screen shot of was set to PRIVATE.  I looked up the name...and there is someone very famous with that name..a reknown archeologist (I think). So the name is fake. Odd that his messages DIDN,t show up on my profile page, where they should have. It creeps me out that someone like this is reading our posts.

Normally I wouldn,t be this upset, but I watched Dr Phill today, where this guy from Nigera had been scamming this lady telling her he was Tyler Perry...and the lady had sent him Tons of money...

Comment by Michele on February 9, 2018 at 9:02pm
I just deleted the post.

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