Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on March 3, 2018 at 10:39pm

Thank you all for your kind and supportive posts. 

My daughter has been here since last Saturday ..she cleaned the entire garage...and we went through about 20 boxes..sorting, tossing, etc...then my nephew came over loaded his truck with stuff to take away..and took down boxes from the attic...I was shocked. We expected maybe 20...there were almost 60...all filled with God knows we have to go through them the next few days. BOb was a hoarder and now this mess was left for us. I have no idea how many spiders we will find...but it has to be done. It is a nightmare. I am at the point indon,t carebwhat is in them...

he can take them all to the dump, but my daughter wants to go through them. For 12 hours I had a lovely, clean garage...but now my stress level is through the roof...but this will free me to start the ball rolling and I can move back to California. Tomorrow we start...more going through boxes that have been up in the attic for 13 years..Dusty and full of insects. I don,t mind normal insects, rodents, snakes etc, but the thought of spiders is terrifying...and. I never DREAMED there were so many. 

My stress level is beyond anything I could ever imagine. So wish me luck kids, and NEVER marry a hoarder.

Comment by Christine Blaire on March 1, 2018 at 8:59am

Today is four months since my husband passed. I don't look forward to tomorrow, I hate today, I live in the past. This is not living, just existing. I'm on another site too and we are all so broken. I don't believe that God wants his children to be so unhappy. We all want one be with our loved ones in heaven.  I pray everyday for God to take care of my Marshall. and for God to please let me die now. The infection from breast cancer surgery is slowly healing but my heart is forever broken. I go to a grief recovery program that is led by a wonderful pastor. He assures me that there is no time in heaven and that when my time comes it will seem like seconds to my husband. We were so very close that I can't understand how he doesn't know how devastated I am. I did have a dream....we were curled up on the bed just holding each other tight as we are now. Before that dream I had one where we were both at least thirty years younger and we were running toward each other thru a field of colorful flowers laughing. I know I've been blessed but the dreams just make me want to be with him more. The infection where my lymph nodes were removed has been very nasty and messy as it is draining and needs packed every other day. I had a fever and was out of it and it started to split open when I went to the Dr. At first I had to change the bandage tour times a day and when I took it off stuff would run out of me. Now I'm down to twice a day and a small bandage that has very little on it. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I'm worn out and fall asleep by 9 or 10 and even nap sometime. Between the infection and depression I'm a hot mess. I see no end and try to understand why.

Comment by deborah peck on March 1, 2018 at 8:44am

My brother moved back to my area after being gone for 6 years, he is staying with me until he finds a place, love having the company and would love for him to stay here with me for good but I know that he likes his privacy so I have told him he is welcome to stay as long as he wants, even hinted he could have the back part of my house but he is apartment hunting today, so I'm kinda sad but I also understand and even though his work keeps him out till about 7 every night its just nice knowing someone else is living here too

Comment by Marsha H on February 27, 2018 at 4:27am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  I'm so sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  We stow away things in boxes and forget what is there and suddenly now we are faced with looking and so many things of our spouses only making us feel more saddened and a reminder they were a big part of our lives.

I know just how you feel.  Ernie's baby was his ski boat which took up a large portion of the garage and I had to sell it and the couple were nice, but as they took it I cried buckets!  I felt like I was giving something precious of Ernie's away even though he was no longer here.  Then I had to sell the truck and camper and once again the tears flowed because we really thought after his whipple surgery for his pancreas he would be coming home and doing a bit better and we planned on doing a short camping trip.  I had to clean out the camper to be sure nothing of ours was still in there, but there was and I cried all day and into the night.  Now, that shock has worn off me and you are so right that other's can enjoy what your Bob and Ernie had.  

I'm cleaning out closets and drawers now and still coming across some of Ernie's things and it saddens me, but not quite as bad as before.  I have finally faced the reality of it all.

I hope you are doing much better my friend.

Comment by Steve on February 26, 2018 at 8:47am

Mary Jane,

Proud of you is what I am thinking...that took a lot of courage.  As careful as I thought I was with Mark's personal items each time I packed up and moved, somewhere, low and behold as soon as I started going thru the boxes I had placrd in storage I found pictures, cards and a plastic bag with Mark's wallet and jewelry.  I had apparently got his ring and bracelet from the coroner in the bag and somehow I must have placed his wallet in there as well.  Inside his wallet was his driver's license, SS card, credit cards and a gift card I had bought him for Hulu so he could shop online for games and music.  I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought I was and I hope I never am.

Take care of yourself dear sister as you prepare for a new path that seems to be taking you forward.  We are all here for you, always.

Comment by deborah peck on February 25, 2018 at 10:28pm

Mary Jane, I know he is smiling down at you and thanking you. it seems like it never ends doesn't it, the papers, the bikes, the dates, its so hard but we are all here with you, take care of yourself, your friend Debby

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 25, 2018 at 9:18pm

Mary Jane.......I'm so sorry it's been a terrible weekend.   Bob probably wouldn't mind you donating the bikes but that doesn't make it any easier for you.  We have so many memories wrapped up in their personal belongings that it's like a punch in the gut when we have to let something go.  I wish I could give you a hug.  I'm glad your daughter's there with you now. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 23, 2018 at 10:00pm

It was a horrible afternoon...the day started out fine, I went to the market, got home around noon..ready to take a well needed nap..when something completely unexpected happened.

Bob LOVED to ride his 10speed bikes...all of our married life...but about 8 years ago while riding, he had a terrible fall, slammed his head on the pavement, broke his helmet..skinned his arm..we went to the Dr, came home with instructions to watch for signs of a concussion...DIDN,t see any..and life went on...but that was the beginning of the end. There is so much they don,t know about brain injury’s and rhe next 5 years, we watched him slow down,,,and he never rode his 2 bikes again. He got worse and worse..and when he got cancer they discovered over 30 brain tumors...some were larger, some tiny. They said it was the cancer that caused the tumors, but we all knew the bike accident was the initial cause.

His 2 10 speeds sat in the garage for seven years, 2 after he died. I found an organization who takes donated bikes fixes them, and gives them to people who need after 2 years of procrastination, I contacted them last night. As fate would have it, TODAY was their pick up day..and we needed the room to clean the garage, so I had them come this afternoon..and his beloved bikes are now gone. There is nothing but a huge empty space where they were. Yes, this was the absolute worst day for me to donate them...but they will be cherished, and will help two was the right thing to do, wrong day, but now they,re gone...and his most treasured possessions were given away on his anniversary. It tore me apart...I cry every time I look out there. At least I have the grace of knowing I did the right thing, and I hope he is smiling down from heaven.


Comment by Mary. Jane on February 23, 2018 at 9:00am

Well, today is the day I have been dreading..but so far it’s ok...ironic how just a date on the calendar can mean so much.i had a severe meltdown Tuesday so I hope I wont have one today.

Last year we had a small celebration of life memorial for Bob..with pictures of him at different ages,  munchies, was sort of a festive event...but I was in complete denial and pretty much lived in LA LA LAND. My daughter is flying here tomorrow for 2 weeks and we’re going to tackle cleaning the garage...while it’s still winter, before possible spiders move into it. I am actually TERRIFIED of this task, but it has to be done. 

I should b ok if I try not to think about it.

Comment by deborah peck on February 20, 2018 at 11:42pm

Mary Jane I cant imagine having to shred all the papers, I'm so sorry you had to do that, Gregs dresser is still full of clothes and there is a small amount in our closet but I wanted the kids to have something too even though it broke my heart again.. I think I will leave his stuff where it is, I am not ready to part with anymore.  hugs to you and I am glad that is done for you, You no longer have to dwell on it and can put that part behind you. All these steps are so hard to do, I don't think anyone realizes all we go thru after our loved ones are gone, physically and emotionally its exhausting


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