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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2018 at 3:04pm

Deborah ...  Thank you so much for that as it's right on point.  Those who have not had a spouse pass away have no idea what we go through and this article is right to the heart of the matter.

Comment by Michele on March 4, 2018 at 12:18pm

Deborah, you have said what I have felt in my heart and soul but could not find the words to say; thank you. 

Comment by deborah peck on March 4, 2018 at 12:02pm

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2018 at 5:53am

Dear Christine ...  You have been through so much losing Marshall then cancer and going through so much with the draining.  I remember in grief counseling they told people who had their spouses pass on to go for a complete physical and I sure did.  I had lost way to much weight and nothing the doctors could do as all my tests came back just fine so it was the grieving process.  

Grieving is a necessity and after 7 years of my dear Ernie's passing I can understand grief a little better although I feel it's one cruel journey.  It forces us to become stronger and like it or not we manage to get out of bed and even if we don't do anything there is still some life in us and yes, you will get stronger and have a life even if you don't think so.  Of course you'll never forget your Marshall and he will always be in your heart.  Raw grief is the worst and you have that and your breast cancer, but you will heal to a bigger degree with grief and certainly heal from your cancer.

I sure wanted to die many times over throughout 4 out of the 7 years after Ernie passed, but I have gotten stronger and got involved with volunteering, spending time with my small immediate family and also friends. Some days are great and some aren't, but that even happened when Ernie was here.  I know you won't believe a word I've said that there are better times ahead of you, but there are so please hang on.  You are getting better and yes, the pain is still great from the loss of Marshall, but it will dull down as time passes, but never will it completely leave your heart.

Oddly enough, like you, the dreams I had of Ernie was when we were younger.  I often wondered why.  I don't dream about him any longer and sure wish I would.  

When we don't feel well when grieving it's a double whammy and not fair in many ways.  I believe your Pastor does realize a lot of what is going on with you as he does talk to many people who have lost loved ones and the next time you talk to him ask him if he has had a loved one pass away.  Even today I have no idea what God has planned for me and sometimes I can even get angry when things don't seem to go right, but just as I'm about to give up there is change and I become strong again and keep as busy as possible.  Life on earth seems like an eternity, but to Marshall it's a nano second and one day you will meet again.

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2018 at 5:42am

Dear Deborah ...  I know what you mean having another person around not making you feel quite so lonely.  Once our spouse passes the silence can be deafening.  I live alone with my 2 dogs and live in a small rancher home so no room for even a boarder.  I sure would love to have someone live here even if I had to cook their meals and do their laundry, but that not going to happen.  I'm sorry you brother isn't going to permanently live with you, but he may with luck find a place close to you.

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 3, 2018 at 10:39pm

Thank you all for your kind and supportive posts. 

My daughter has been here since last Saturday ..she cleaned the entire garage...and we went through about 20 boxes..sorting, tossing, etc...then my nephew came over loaded his truck with stuff to take away..and took down boxes from the attic...I was shocked. We expected maybe 20...there were almost 60...all filled with God knows what.so we have to go through them the next few days. BOb was a hoarder and now this mess was left for us. I have no idea how many spiders we will find...but it has to be done. It is a nightmare. I am at the point indon,t carebwhat is in them...

he can take them all to the dump, but my daughter wants to go through them. For 12 hours I had a lovely, clean garage...but now my stress level is through the roof...but this will free me to start the ball rolling and I can move back to California. Tomorrow we start...more going through boxes that have been up in the attic for 13 years..Dusty and full of insects. I don,t mind normal insects, rodents, snakes etc, but the thought of spiders is terrifying...and. I never DREAMED there were so many. 

My stress level is beyond anything I could ever imagine. So wish me luck kids, and NEVER marry a hoarder.

Comment by Christine Blaire on March 1, 2018 at 8:59am

Today is four months since my husband passed. I don't look forward to tomorrow, I hate today, I live in the past. This is not living, just existing. I'm on another site too and we are all so broken. I don't believe that God wants his children to be so unhappy. We all want one thing....to be with our loved ones in heaven.  I pray everyday for God to take care of my Marshall. and for God to please let me die now. The infection from breast cancer surgery is slowly healing but my heart is forever broken. I go to a grief recovery program that is led by a wonderful pastor. He assures me that there is no time in heaven and that when my time comes it will seem like seconds to my husband. We were so very close that I can't understand how he doesn't know how devastated I am. I did have a dream....we were curled up on the bed just holding each other tight as we are now. Before that dream I had one where we were both at least thirty years younger and we were running toward each other thru a field of colorful flowers laughing. I know I've been blessed but the dreams just make me want to be with him more. The infection where my lymph nodes were removed has been very nasty and messy as it is draining and needs packed every other day. I had a fever and was out of it and it started to split open when I went to the Dr. At first I had to change the bandage tour times a day and when I took it off stuff would run out of me. Now I'm down to twice a day and a small bandage that has very little on it. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I'm worn out and fall asleep by 9 or 10 and even nap sometime. Between the infection and depression I'm a hot mess. I see no end and try to understand why.

Comment by deborah peck on March 1, 2018 at 8:44am

My brother moved back to my area after being gone for 6 years, he is staying with me until he finds a place, love having the company and would love for him to stay here with me for good but I know that he likes his privacy so I have told him he is welcome to stay as long as he wants, even hinted he could have the back part of my house but he is apartment hunting today, so I'm kinda sad but I also understand and even though his work keeps him out till about 7 every night its just nice knowing someone else is living here too

Comment by Marsha H on February 27, 2018 at 4:27am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  I'm so sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  We stow away things in boxes and forget what is there and suddenly now we are faced with looking and so many things of our spouses only making us feel more saddened and a reminder they were a big part of our lives.

I know just how you feel.  Ernie's baby was his ski boat which took up a large portion of the garage and I had to sell it and the couple were nice, but as they took it I cried buckets!  I felt like I was giving something precious of Ernie's away even though he was no longer here.  Then I had to sell the truck and camper and once again the tears flowed because we really thought after his whipple surgery for his pancreas he would be coming home and doing a bit better and we planned on doing a short camping trip.  I had to clean out the camper to be sure nothing of ours was still in there, but there was and I cried all day and into the night.  Now, that shock has worn off me and you are so right that other's can enjoy what your Bob and Ernie had.  

I'm cleaning out closets and drawers now and still coming across some of Ernie's things and it saddens me, but not quite as bad as before.  I have finally faced the reality of it all.

I hope you are doing much better my friend.

Comment by Steve on February 26, 2018 at 8:47am

Mary Jane,

Proud of you is what I am thinking...that took a lot of courage.  As careful as I thought I was with Mark's personal items each time I packed up and moved, somewhere, low and behold as soon as I started going thru the boxes I had placrd in storage I found pictures, cards and a plastic bag with Mark's wallet and jewelry.  I had apparently got his ring and bracelet from the coroner in the bag and somehow I must have placed his wallet in there as well.  Inside his wallet was his driver's license, SS card, credit cards and a gift card I had bought him for Hulu so he could shop online for games and music.  I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought I was and I hope I never am.

Take care of yourself dear sister as you prepare for a new path that seems to be taking you forward.  We are all here for you, always.

 

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