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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Lost my husband

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 21, 2018 at 6:51am

Dear Mary Jane,

Oh my friend, how right you are that we all seem to be having particularly difficult times right now - you may count Steve and I among that number. For me, as I approach the 3 year anniversary of losing Larry on April 22, my thoughts and emotions seem to be going into overdrive taking me places I would rather not revisit in my mind but am powerless to avoid. Guilt over continuing feelings that I failed Larry as he neared the end of his battle with cancer still weighs upon my heart. Anger over the way "family" of his and mine on his side seemed anxious to quickly get me out of the way and divide his estate, and the fact that my name wasn't even mentioned at his memorial held by them while I was still hospitalized with a life-threatening illness. the list goes on and on.

I understand about finding papers of Bob's that you knew right away would be painful to read and sort through. I had that experience more than once since Larry had the habit of squirreling away little notes and memorabilia in unexpected places. How often an entire day or two were derailed by the discovery of something in his handwriting under a shoe box, or inside a book. Just let yourself get through these times as gently as possible, removing any expectations of completing tasks when you can do so - although I know also what preparing to move means ... been there.

Like Deborah, I made a traditional dish for us on St. Patrick's Day - my mother's recipe for pea soup. Larry loved it, although he was adamant about us going out for corned beef on that day since I don't like it so won't cook it at home! That happened to be the last dinner we had together at a local restaurant in 2015, which also makes the day hard for me, and I imagine always will.

I had a conversation with the cemetery where Larry's ashes are interred on Monday, hoping to make arrangements for the installation of a plaque marking the spot where he rests in his family's plot. The information I was given made it clear it won't be done before this April 22nd as I had hoped to do. I will have to let go of that one and hope for some other way of recognizing this year's sad anniversary. Being in a different state makes the whole thing seem unreal somehow - if that makes any sense.

Please know that I am thinking of you, and of all the family here, old friends and new ones who are just embarking on this difficult and sometimes frightening journey through grief. We all know there is no actual end to this path - we just put one foot in front of the other and continue at our own pace moving forward. At least we all have each other to support and guide our fumbling footsteps or the walk would be impossible - at least for me it would.

Mary Jane, you always are in my prayers as are everyone here - this move will happen, and once done you will be over a huge obstacle on your own path - I look forward to seeing you post at that time of your new home and experiences. Until then, try not to let the medical issues, packing, and a million other worries overtake you - I wish I was there beside you...I'm a pretty good packer if I do say so myself!

Much love,

Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on March 20, 2018 at 11:26pm

Thank- you Anthony, I too believe our loved ones are still with us particularly when we are all gathered together, he so loved our family I cant imagine him not being there in spirit

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 19, 2018 at 1:17pm

Hey guys..after reading everyone’s posts..I think this weekend was HORRID for everyone! The stars and planets must have lined up in a bad way LOL. Not only us here, but other people...my weekend sucked BIG TIME..starting with my Dr when asked about a referral to a Dr in California, he made it seem like the level of care I am getting now wouldn’t be an option, as I am on Medicare...the Saturday morning, I opened an email I KNEW I shouldn,t on my PC,I got a pop up malware..(I rarely use my PC, I use an IPad)

THEN I realized I had PAID for, but never uploaded my Virus software after BOb died in 2016, so they DIDN’T send me a notice in 2017...

But the cherry on top was the shoebox of papers I went through last night...I knew it would be bad,unlike regular files,I knew this one would be special..... but I had no idea how hard all the personal papers, photos etc would be. 

So,now I have to go turn on my PC and see if the malware is still there, and if I can possibly fix it..luckily I have a neighbor who does that stuff, but he went camping all week. 

Lastly, I got an “ear worm” song stuck in my head last night..the line “You put your arms around me, and I’m home” which is STILL in my head..and is a special memory of when Bob hugged me, how safe I would feel,with his solid chest and arms around me when we would look at a sunset,or welcome each other to the day..sorry for rambling..

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 19, 2018 at 11:51am

Deborah, I'm so glad you made the corned beef/cabbage meal for your family.  And even though Greg wasn't physically there I truly believe his loving spirit was present enjoying every word and every story told at the dinner table.  There is something about when people are gathered at a meal that invites loved ones passed to enjoy and partake in an earthly moment.

Comment by deborah peck on March 19, 2018 at 10:37am

Anthony, I too had a hard time this weekend, its all the dates that are hard to get thru, I always made cornedbeef and cabbage and our girls and their families would come over, I really didn't care for it but Greg did so every year I made it, I wasn't going to this year but my kids asked if we were still doing dinner so after thinking I decided to do it, and even though I had to pretend it was just a family dinner and not anything special it was nice to be all together for a meal and then when they left I cried that he wasn't able to enjoy it with us , so yes special dates are hard but then as you know so is every day and I have been thru this twice and I don't think the 2nd year is easier I think your mind frame kinda changes because you know you got thru the previous occasion withought your loved one, so I think that's why the 2nd year is different, you can survive it

Comment by Jesse Angel Rodriguez on March 19, 2018 at 10:36am
I just want to say thanks to you all for the support and life experiences that has been shared here on Bereaved Spouses. Marsha H. What you sent to Christine really spoke to me, that's precisely what I'm living currently. February 8, 2018 is the day John went to paradise and Lord knows how I miss him more and more each day. Still no word from his family. I hope they're finding peace. I've been having many days where I believe it should've been me, not him. I remember all the dreams he would talk about and places he wanted to go and things we would do. I'm moving, he always did say he would get me out this city I'm in now [really bad place] he just didn't tell me when. I suppose this is when...
Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 19, 2018 at 10:11am

Dear ones - Deborah Peck, Susan Farrell, Marsha H, Mary Jane, Sara Murphy and the rest of Legacy family.  I so appreciate your words of encouragement and telling my your stories of survival after your losses.  This weekend was another hard one without Kevin on St. Paddy's.  It's not that we went out to the bars and got drunk, we weren't like that, but Kevin would always make corn beef and cabbage and Irish soda bread for our dinner.  He was a gifted cook.  He loved watching the cooking channels and trying different recipes, which he could recreate and were so delicious.  Me, I can't cook at all so the last 5 months I've been trying to cook for myself using all his pots and pans and talking to him that I'm trying by best to cook.  I went into a deep depression on Saturday.  It's that he made every holiday something special.  People tell me it's the firsts that are the hardest.  So I've been through Halloween, Thanksgiving, X-mas, New Years, Valentine's Day, his birthday and St. Paddy's.  His birthday was the hardest.  He would have have been 65.  It took me over a week to get out of that depression.  I'm still getting Medicare adverts in the mail for him.  Sunday I went to church was hugged by my church family.  Our church has a Columbarium where Kevin wanted his ashes placed (only half could fit so I have his other half at home and at sometime his brother and I will spread them at his favorite location).  So I stood in front of his plaque yesterday after church and just cried and cried.  Of course my friends were hugging me.  The grief comes so intensely that I literally feel I could die from the pain in my heart and chest.    

This site is helping me a lot and I want to thank you all.  I'm also thinking about attending a local grieving group even though I'm shy.  But the pain I need to work through and shyness is not going to stop me.  I do like Susan's idea about writing our fond memories in a journal.  

Thanks you all again!

Anthony

Comment by Marsha H on March 19, 2018 at 5:56am

Dear Susan F. ....

I am so sorry to hear you are having some very tough days and I do know how you feel.  I too was once married before, divorced and finally met my loving Ernie only to have him take away nearly 40 years later.  I am blessed to have had him that long, but I too was angry at God for taking him at age 65 and my ex is still alive.  We had so many plans together.

You should never feel guilty.  John gave you things you needed such as loving to talk, loving you and many other good memories.  When someone doesn't give you those things then one is unhappy.

Feeling guilty for some things is very normal in raw grief Susan.  It's normal.  I have suffered from panic attacks for years and on medication.  May I suggest you go to grief counseling if you haven't started already.  You will be around people in person that are going through what you are.  Each story is unique and it's like having a second family just like Legacy here.  Legacy saved my life!  The members on here are like angels all flocking around to help where they can.  It is also not normal to count your blessing during raw grief.  Scream, yell, cry, sleep and go for walks which do help.  Just let the anger, heartache flow when it needs to.  After 7 years of Ernie's passing I can tell you that once I was where you were not wanting to live and giving up, yet each day got a bit stronger and you are stronger than you think.  You will have good years ahead of you even if you don't think so now. 

Although this is a forum we don't wish anyone to be on you are now part of this family and we're here to help and even your posts will help others.  I am so happy to did come to Legacy because there is always someone on here to answer your posts when you need some consoling.

I hope you will trust me in the fact that you are getting strong a little at a time and the guilt will eventually fade away and you will be left with fond memories of John. 

Marsha  

Comment by Susan Farrell on March 19, 2018 at 5:40am

My dear John has been gone for 27 days now.  Each hour goes slowly.  My life is sad and lonely.  Bitterness has set in.  I am mad at God for allowing this to happen.  Why did He send John to me only to take him after a year?  John was so nice and loving and affectionate and loved to talk.  I have never had that with a man in my whole life even though I was married for 38 years.  My husband died and omg that was not as hard as losing John.  That makes me feel guilty.  I feel guilt in so many areas. I know I have to stop it because I am sinking into a depression that I am not sure I will live through.  I have have had clinical depression for nearly 30 years.  I do not know how to deal with this pain.  There's no relief.  I still pray for strength and I count my blessings, but it feels insincere.  I so appreciate being part of this group and I thank all of you for being here.  I am not alone.  Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to write to me.  It gives me a glimpse of hope.  Sue

Comment by Susan Farrell on March 19, 2018 at 5:27am

Anthony,  I started a journal.  I started writing about the memories I have with John.  It's almost like I am writing to him, so it seems I am sharing with him our good memories.  I gently suggest you try it.  Sue

 

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