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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

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Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 15, 2018 at 9:29am

Thank you Sara and Charles, I always will appreciate your kindness. Kevin died at home with me and his brother at his side saying how much we loved him.  It was to most intimate but yet the most harrowing experience I've ever had.  His last week his brother and I gave him round the clock care along with some help from the hospice team.  We took great care of him so he could be as comfortable as possible.  But I'm haunted still by this memory of his last week.  It keeps going over and over in my mind.  I'm not trying to change anything like what could I have done better,  but over and over in my mind that dreaded week goes through my mind.  I can't remember the happy times.  Why don't those go through my mind?  My pastor told me what a wonderful gift I gave him and he was blessed to have me and his brother to help him go to heaven.  I try to think that way. But it always return to that dreaded haunting.  I do have two of his best smiling pictures in the living room his ashes between them and I talk to him in a loving way.  I have pictures of our happy times that I look at to remind me.  But it's that broken record harrowing feeling that keeps repeating and haunting me.  

Comment by deborah peck on March 15, 2018 at 8:50am

dear Mary Jane, I think that is such  a good thing that the date didn't pop out at you because you are right that it would've been that much harder.keep on plodding along this journey

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 14, 2018 at 11:13pm

Hi kids,

a rather odd thing happened to me yesterday,. I was rather #STUNNED when I realized it,,but in a strange sense,,it I’d a good thing, my brother got married one year after I did,, and I found out they R having a 50th anniversary party for he and gphis wife this weekend! I thought thry’d got the dates wrong...so I looked up our marriage certificate and much to my SSHOCK, I realized I had MISSED our 50th anniversary,,which was LAST JUNE! I thought it was THIS JUNE!ip it had passed without me even realizing it!

at first I was a bit upset, bun then realized I would have spent the day crying for what we had lost etc, but now that I realize it passed without me even knowing it! The BIG 50! Now I don,tnhave to stress about it this June,,and I am ok with it.so last June 17th was our 50th......which means Bob died 16 months b4 , and we were married 49 years...not 48.He hated celebrating big stuff like that anyway we had renewed our vows on our 30th...and my daughter worked so hard for me..giving me positive incentive to start seriously packing..I am focusing on being out of here and back to the SF Bay Area before 2019, I have hope for the first time since Bob died

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 14, 2018 at 9:49pm

HI Chuck,

So good to hear from you again.   This latest storm dumped 2 ft of snow on us but luckily didn't lose electricity this time.  If you can believe it, they're predicting another nor'easter for Tuesday. You must be happy to be in Dallas at this time of year.  Funny thing is, I did have a fleeting thought of hoping a plane to Texas but reality set in.  I can't exactly fly away on a whim. I did have 2 people call and check in, my mother and my brother.  

I hope you and Steve are doing well and you've settled into your new home.  Please be sure to keep us updated. 

Love you,

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 14, 2018 at 9:37pm

Anthony......the loss of a spouse is unlike any other.  I can't believe how much water is inside one person but when I first lost Ken, the tears would just stream down my face and down my neck.  Can't believe I wasn't hospitalized for dehydration.  Ken was and still is my whole world.  We were together for 30 years.  I understand the emptiness you mention as does everyone here.  As David says, even if you can't verbalize exactly how you feel, just put anything down and we'll be able to relate.  Ken didn't have cancer but he had serious health issues with various organs beginning in 2008.  I think the worst thing ever is to watch the person you love most suffer and not be able to do anything about it.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 14, 2018 at 8:49pm

Dear Sara,

I hope this latest storm hasn't created too many problems for you - Steve and I are anxiously watching the weather as it surrounds areas where we have family, and naturally that includes you dear friend. Let us know that you are OK, and if you need anything at all, holler out  - promise?

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 14, 2018 at 8:47pm

Dear Anthony,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through after your terrible loss. I lost my husband Larry to cancer just short of 3 years ago on April 22 2015. David is so right that time does help in the healing, but right now the important thing is that you know you are not alone in how confused and angry you may feel. I truly thought I was losing my mind before I found this group, and still come back seeking the support and encouragement I need and always will find here I know. I have shared things I never could with Larry's and my families, and even close friends - they just would look at me and say inane rehearsed expressions of comfort that to me meant nothing. Here we all know the deep loneliness, anger, and fear that can overcome us without warning, brought on by anything at all. Sara's going through the terrible storms around Boston area are a perfect example - I went through something similar after a downed tree took out my power, phone, and left me without water from my well. I was alone, disabled, and terrified without Larry's calming rational presence upon which I had leaned for 32 years. Like Sara, I often wonder what he is thinking as he watched our "friends" ignore or forget me one by one.

Please know everyone here will listen without judgement to anything you say and offer our experiences, our understanding, and our love unconditionally.

Be well, and God Bless You

Love,Chuck

Comment by David Heggi on March 14, 2018 at 6:51pm

Bless you, Anthony.  We don't care if you have trouble verbalizing exactly how you are feeling;  just posting any words you can find to make a connection is enough to get the attention you need - we've all been there; we know.

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 14, 2018 at 4:52pm

Thank you for your kind words David and encouraging me to post.  It's hard for me to verbalize my emptiness, loneliness, and deep sorrow.  I know it helps the grieving process to communicate my feelings.  It's hard to dig for words when I'm scared to be torn apart again.  It just sucks!  I hate cancer!

Comment by David Heggi on March 14, 2018 at 1:10pm

I'm so sorry, Anthony.  Your loss is so new and raw;  it is what each of us in this group has gone through.  This has been said many times, but it is true:  time does heal.  In the meantime, and especially now, please post those sometimes scary feelings here anytime. There are many kind people here ready to listen and give you support

 

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