Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 24, 2018 at 4:00am

Comment by Marsha H just nowDelete Comment

Dear Christine ...What a wonderful step daughter you have and thankfully she lives fairly close to you.  Bless her heart!

I know how you feel having your little puppy Victoria Rose close to you.  I have to admit Christine it has been a great comfort having my Tootsie and Booker with me.  They forced me to get up and get moving all through my grief.  They lick my tears and cuddle with me.  I know you are getting the same comfort from Victoria Rose.  You are very smart to have made arrangements for Victoria Rose and I have my two sweeties in my Will even though Tootsie is 15 and Booker going on 13. 

I am so happy that most of the infection with the lymph nodes have healed up and I read your posts and know what a horrific time you had of it.    

I completely understand how you feel selling those tools of your dear spouse and feeling that you are selling pieces of his existence.  I had to sell Ernie's truck and camper and we'd made plans to go on a trip with the dogs when we thought he was going to come out of hospital not knowing he never would be coming out and home once again.  Then I had to sell his ski boat his pride and joy and I bawled my head of for 2 days.  So many memories attached to that boat.  I too felt like I was getting rid of his existence, but then realize these things sold are just 'things.'  We have our spouses in our hearts and our very soul and that can never be taken away from us.

I remember in raw grief that I happened to look in the mirror and couldn't believe how the life had been sucked out of me.  No sparkle to my eyes, no smiles and I was so extroverted, but found myself going the opposite way, but, in time the spark came back to my eyes, but wish it would come into my heart as well.  I will never be the woman I once was either.  It's as if our spouses took part of our soul with them.  That article down below pretty much says how grief goes where our life is turned upside down in so many ways until we don't recognize where we are.  

I'm sorry Christine, but you made me giggle a little smashing those crocuses.  I can certainly understand that!  I once took an electric edger to one of my bushes and gave it a crew-cut!  I was angry about everything during that time.

Hope you enjoy your wine and yes, I too sleep on the couch.  I can't bring myself to sleep alone in our bed.  

I know at this time nothing makes sense to you and no words can comfort you, but I promise you given time at your own pace things will be a little better and you'll smile when you look on all the good memories together instead of tears streaming down your face.

Big hug (because you need it.


Comment by Mary. Jane on March 23, 2018 at 10:05pm

Ok, that essay I just posted, I believe Debra first posted it...I only had a screen shot of it, and I DIDN,t know how to edit just ignore the other junk that is on it...but I wanted everyone who hadn’t seen it to do so. It is one of the most profound things I have ever read. 

Sorry the shot picked up a few other stuff...

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 23, 2018 at 9:58pm

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 23, 2018 at 9:53pm

Chuck, thank you for That wonderful post it meant a lot to me.

Comment by Christine Blaire on March 23, 2018 at 6:01pm

Susan,Anthony,Marsha,    I too am living alone for the first time. My step daughter...who doesn't like the word "step" bless her, is 7 miles away. Thank goodness I have my little puppy Victoria Rose. She knows when I'm upset and I would be totally lost without her. She just turned one so I've made arrangements for her when I go. The infection where the lymph nodes were removed is almost healed up. It's been a long haul. Some of his big tools that I can't use have been sold. Every time somethings of his leaves here I feel like I'm getting rid of him. I can't stand it. I'm no longer the happy energetic woman I used to be. Everything...

Absolutely everything...has changed. I go through the motions but will only be truly happy when I know death is near. I'm sorry this is so dark. I had some crocus blooming....I smashed them all. It felt pretty good. Now for some wine and bed on the couch.

Comment by Marsha H on March 23, 2018 at 3:32pm

Dear Sue ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your father.  Dealing with one grief is horrific enough, but now two.  There are no words I can say to take the pain from you, but I will pray as we are stronger than we think.

I also live alone.  Ernie and I couldn't have children and my immediate family is very small and now, they have gotten on with their lives as many of my friends have.  It took me quite awhile to get use to living alone and thankfully I have my two dogs with me.  I do have visitors every so often and have volunteered, but that loneliness seems to be there every so often.  I even put the TV on just to hear a human voice.

Please keep coming back to Legacy as we all do understand how you feel.  

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 23, 2018 at 3:16pm

Oh, my heart goes out to you Sue.  Life can be so cruel.  Living alone and suffering in grief is hell which I am dealing with, but you have double the grief.  Surround yourself with loved ones.  Please know we care about you.  

Comment by Susan Farrell on March 23, 2018 at 2:48pm

My father died Wed morning.  One month and one day after my love John died.   I am reeling.  My Dad lived with me for many years.  He was doing what he loved, fussing with the garden, when he died.  He was 85 yrs old, and very active.  I am all alone now.  I have never lived alone in all my 64 yrs.  I have double grief and I am numb.   Sue

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 21, 2018 at 6:51am

Dear Mary Jane,

Oh my friend, how right you are that we all seem to be having particularly difficult times right now - you may count Steve and I among that number. For me, as I approach the 3 year anniversary of losing Larry on April 22, my thoughts and emotions seem to be going into overdrive taking me places I would rather not revisit in my mind but am powerless to avoid. Guilt over continuing feelings that I failed Larry as he neared the end of his battle with cancer still weighs upon my heart. Anger over the way "family" of his and mine on his side seemed anxious to quickly get me out of the way and divide his estate, and the fact that my name wasn't even mentioned at his memorial held by them while I was still hospitalized with a life-threatening illness. the list goes on and on.

I understand about finding papers of Bob's that you knew right away would be painful to read and sort through. I had that experience more than once since Larry had the habit of squirreling away little notes and memorabilia in unexpected places. How often an entire day or two were derailed by the discovery of something in his handwriting under a shoe box, or inside a book. Just let yourself get through these times as gently as possible, removing any expectations of completing tasks when you can do so - although I know also what preparing to move means ... been there.

Like Deborah, I made a traditional dish for us on St. Patrick's Day - my mother's recipe for pea soup. Larry loved it, although he was adamant about us going out for corned beef on that day since I don't like it so won't cook it at home! That happened to be the last dinner we had together at a local restaurant in 2015, which also makes the day hard for me, and I imagine always will.

I had a conversation with the cemetery where Larry's ashes are interred on Monday, hoping to make arrangements for the installation of a plaque marking the spot where he rests in his family's plot. The information I was given made it clear it won't be done before this April 22nd as I had hoped to do. I will have to let go of that one and hope for some other way of recognizing this year's sad anniversary. Being in a different state makes the whole thing seem unreal somehow - if that makes any sense.

Please know that I am thinking of you, and of all the family here, old friends and new ones who are just embarking on this difficult and sometimes frightening journey through grief. We all know there is no actual end to this path - we just put one foot in front of the other and continue at our own pace moving forward. At least we all have each other to support and guide our fumbling footsteps or the walk would be impossible - at least for me it would.

Mary Jane, you always are in my prayers as are everyone here - this move will happen, and once done you will be over a huge obstacle on your own path - I look forward to seeing you post at that time of your new home and experiences. Until then, try not to let the medical issues, packing, and a million other worries overtake you - I wish I was there beside you...I'm a pretty good packer if I do say so myself!

Much love,


Comment by deborah peck on March 20, 2018 at 11:26pm

Thank- you Anthony, I too believe our loved ones are still with us particularly when we are all gathered together, he so loved our family I cant imagine him not being there in spirit


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