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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Lisa Hamilton on April 14, 2018 at 2:48pm

Deborah, You did something hard and big today. I hope you can feel proud of yourself.

Comment by deborah peck on April 14, 2018 at 1:40pm

Today just on a spur of the moment thing I packed Gregs clothes in our closet and folded them into his dresser, baby steps but it was a big one for me

Comment by deborah peck on April 11, 2018 at 9:59am

Mary Jane you have no idea how relieved your post made me, I truly thought there was something wrong with my mind but now I remember this thing I went to by Alan Wolfelt and he said that its a real thing so thank you again for that. I truly hoe this goes away soon its such a weird feeling to feel like you are not all together in your thoughts

Comment by Lisa Hamilton on April 11, 2018 at 9:32am

In the wake of my 27-year-old son's death 25 years after we lost his dad, I've started a podcast. I hope others will share their stories so that we can create a community in which others share their experiences of grief as a thin place. Losing my son has made fresh the grief of losing my first husband. Now my second husband is in failing health.

https://www.thinplacepodcast.com/

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 10, 2018 at 6:54pm

Sara..I never did list anything on EBay...another FEAR has stopped me...actually, my daughter came up with this one...with all the crazy people out there...she said I should get a P.O box as a return address..instead of using my home...and I think that is a great idea...but it involves getting to the post office and obtaining one. Remember I don’t drive..so everything is a hassle. This small thing could cause a lot of problems...like forgetting the shipping discount if I print labels from EBay..as to change my registered address would b a HUGE hassle ..and I don,t expect any returns...just need something to put as a return address so strangers won’t know where I live. So now I have something else to worry about. Oddly, I was supposed to start listing stuff Sunday, but obstacles kept deterring me..it is a sad world when you fear putting your personal stuff out there...I sold 10 years ago on EBay..but I had BOb here and the world was a kinder place then.

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 10, 2018 at 6:37pm

Oh,Deborah..I had to smile at you fog post. OMG, it,s been 2 years and 6 weeks since Bob died, and The FOG has become my permanent residence. I have been this way for so long, I have forgotten that I once was able to THINK..to remember things, I LOOSE objects 100 times a day..I check to see if I locked the door all the time, cuz I don,t trust the memory I have of doing it...when I know I did it, but cannot remember. Today I went to have my nails done..a friend picked me up..I was smoking in the garage,when I heard her car..so I carefully stubbed out the cigarette, and went out to the car...and second guessed myself..was I sure I put it out? So I made her wait, while I unlocked the door, turned off the alarm..and went into the garage to check...when I KNEW I had carefully put it out..but my addled brain said “you better check cuz you could burn the house down. 

I do this stuff ALL DAY!  I finally found a solution for the many times I LOOSE items I was just holding...I am serious..I ask Bob to find the object I just had...and it works! I am able to find it in a moment when I ask him...sounds like I have lost my mind...

but the very worst thing is since he died I am afraid of EVERYTHING! They are all “what if’s”. Groundless fears..that I build up in my mind to the point of histeria! I actually have to talk myself into thinking sensibly..or trying to.

On a good note..for you...some of the fog is slightly receding. It is a very slow process, but I notice I am finally starting to recal mundane things...like the name of a woman I worked with 40 years ago, etc. I am still stunned when this happens..so maybe it is getting better..very slowly. Honestly, it’s the FEAR that is the worst. My mind goes from 0 to 1000 in seconds...things like if the flushing toilet sounds wrong for a millisecond I must have a broken water pipe...I had a large red mark  on my scalp..so I knew it was a brain tumor...I was terrified for a week till my Dr toldme to switch shampoos..ok, I am done rambling. 

Comment by Susan Farrell on April 9, 2018 at 7:58pm

Thank you Marsha H.  You are so wise, loving and supportive.  I appreciate you giving your time to me and others.

Comment by Marsha H on April 9, 2018 at 3:18pm

Susan F ...  I am so sorry that your boyfriend has passed away and I know it doesn't seem fair.  I am sure all of us are wondering 'why us?'  There are just no answers.  It was wonderful that you boyfriend's ex girlfriend gave you more pictures of him and I hope it gives you peace even if you weren't in his life at that time.  It was gracious of you to give most of your boyfriend's belongings to his son and you were so fortunate his son allowed you to keep his father's ashes.  

When raw grief strikes we want to keep everything the deceased person has or hunt for more things from their past.  That is very normal.  Also it's normal to want to find another boyfriend and it's because we are human, still love our beloved, but, they are gone and we are here and we need the touch of someone hugging us and telling us everything is going to be OK.  

Although I dislike the term, 'it takes time' it's true.  My Ernie has been gone 7 years April 27th and I think of him every single day or even talk out loud to him when there are days I feel alone or wonder what my future holds for me as I'm not a young chick anymore.  I have gotten into a routine, volunteer and try to keep busy, but also I crave to meet someone else to have some sort of future.  I would say for me right now is the loneliness and most of my friends have spouses.  I am not all that thrilled with online dating as I feel uncomfortable with it and sure wish I could meet someone the good old fashion way.  I'm out there, but it sure isn't easy to meet anyone.  So Susan what you are feeling is very normal and after your raw grief settles down please don't feel guilty about wanting someone else in your life in the future.  I am sure your deceased boyfriend would want the best for you.

Comment by Marsha H on April 9, 2018 at 3:07pm

Deborah P ....  It is quite normal after your spouse passes away to feel like you are in a fog and some days even feel like a wet black blanket of depression over your brain is happening not to mention feeling like you are going crazy or walking around as if in an out-of-body experience.  Losing the love of your life be it a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend is a trauma Post Traumatic Stress which can last a long while with some, but may only last months to a year with others.  The loss is bad enough, but now we are faced with so many uncertainties and in raw grief feeling we are facing a bleak future.  Not true though because as the months to perhaps a year or more (everyone is different) we begin our own routine for our future although it's not an easy path. 

Ernie has been gone now almost 7 years (April 27th) and I miss him every day, but the deep pain of his loss has subsided.  To this day if I have a difficult decision to make I feel at times my brain won't work and I fear making a wrong decision.  We are use to discussing important things we think about with our spouse.  So don't worry so much Deb, this too shall pass.  Try to keep busy, volunteer if you feel like it and get as much rest as possible.  I promise your life will settle into a routine that you feel at peace with and one that gives you some hope for the future.

Comment by Susan Farrell on April 9, 2018 at 12:54pm

I too have felt in a fog at times.  I can't concentrate easily.  I have experienced episodes of crying all day,  and having a feeling I was going crazy.  And the newest and very disturbing symptom is feeling "man crazy".  I feel like I am looking for another man in my life.  My counselor said it is a common thing.  It makes me feel like I am betraying my deceased boyfriend.  I want to feel that same love and caring again.  I hope I am not the only one.  I only had three pictures of John.  I wish I had taken lots of pictures.  I wrote to his ex girlfriend on FB and she kindly sent me pics of John from 20 years ago. I felt jealous that I did not know him when he was well.  I gave his clothes, money and most of his belongings to his son.  I have a few mementos.  His son graciously allowed me to have his ashes and the easel that John's mother used in her career as an artist. And the portrait she painted of John.  I feel so desperate to have more of John.

 

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