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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2018 at 3:40pm

Deborah P.  ...  I know it wasn't an easy task to clean out Greg's clothing from the closet, but so proud you did put them in his dresser.  That's a big start.  There will come a time when you will be able to go through his clothes and give them to charity and there is nothing wrong with keeping some favorite clothing of his.  After 7 years I still have Ernie's work jacket and baseball cap hanging in the hallway and there it stays and I also kept his bathrobe so every once in awhile I can wrap it around me like a security blanket.  So proud of you.

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2018 at 3:36pm

Susan F ...  I am happy I made you feel a little better about your future.  I hope and pray that each day you get up is a little better for you.  Thinking of you.

Comment by Lisa Hamilton on April 14, 2018 at 2:48pm

Deborah, You did something hard and big today. I hope you can feel proud of yourself.

Comment by deborah peck on April 14, 2018 at 1:40pm

Today just on a spur of the moment thing I packed Gregs clothes in our closet and folded them into his dresser, baby steps but it was a big one for me

Comment by deborah peck on April 11, 2018 at 9:59am

Mary Jane you have no idea how relieved your post made me, I truly thought there was something wrong with my mind but now I remember this thing I went to by Alan Wolfelt and he said that its a real thing so thank you again for that. I truly hoe this goes away soon its such a weird feeling to feel like you are not all together in your thoughts

Comment by Lisa Hamilton on April 11, 2018 at 9:32am

In the wake of my 27-year-old son's death 25 years after we lost his dad, I've started a podcast. I hope others will share their stories so that we can create a community in which others share their experiences of grief as a thin place. Losing my son has made fresh the grief of losing my first husband. Now my second husband is in failing health.

https://www.thinplacepodcast.com/

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 10, 2018 at 6:54pm

Sara..I never did list anything on EBay...another FEAR has stopped me...actually, my daughter came up with this one...with all the crazy people out there...she said I should get a P.O box as a return address..instead of using my home...and I think that is a great idea...but it involves getting to the post office and obtaining one. Remember I don’t drive..so everything is a hassle. This small thing could cause a lot of problems...like forgetting the shipping discount if I print labels from EBay..as to change my registered address would b a HUGE hassle ..and I don,t expect any returns...just need something to put as a return address so strangers won’t know where I live. So now I have something else to worry about. Oddly, I was supposed to start listing stuff Sunday, but obstacles kept deterring me..it is a sad world when you fear putting your personal stuff out there...I sold 10 years ago on EBay..but I had BOb here and the world was a kinder place then.

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 10, 2018 at 6:37pm

Oh,Deborah..I had to smile at you fog post. OMG, it,s been 2 years and 6 weeks since Bob died, and The FOG has become my permanent residence. I have been this way for so long, I have forgotten that I once was able to THINK..to remember things, I LOOSE objects 100 times a day..I check to see if I locked the door all the time, cuz I don,t trust the memory I have of doing it...when I know I did it, but cannot remember. Today I went to have my nails done..a friend picked me up..I was smoking in the garage,when I heard her car..so I carefully stubbed out the cigarette, and went out to the car...and second guessed myself..was I sure I put it out? So I made her wait, while I unlocked the door, turned off the alarm..and went into the garage to check...when I KNEW I had carefully put it out..but my addled brain said “you better check cuz you could burn the house down. 

I do this stuff ALL DAY!  I finally found a solution for the many times I LOOSE items I was just holding...I am serious..I ask Bob to find the object I just had...and it works! I am able to find it in a moment when I ask him...sounds like I have lost my mind...

but the very worst thing is since he died I am afraid of EVERYTHING! They are all “what if’s”. Groundless fears..that I build up in my mind to the point of histeria! I actually have to talk myself into thinking sensibly..or trying to.

On a good note..for you...some of the fog is slightly receding. It is a very slow process, but I notice I am finally starting to recal mundane things...like the name of a woman I worked with 40 years ago, etc. I am still stunned when this happens..so maybe it is getting better..very slowly. Honestly, it’s the FEAR that is the worst. My mind goes from 0 to 1000 in seconds...things like if the flushing toilet sounds wrong for a millisecond I must have a broken water pipe...I had a large red mark  on my scalp..so I knew it was a brain tumor...I was terrified for a week till my Dr toldme to switch shampoos..ok, I am done rambling. 

Comment by Susan Farrell on April 9, 2018 at 7:58pm

Thank you Marsha H.  You are so wise, loving and supportive.  I appreciate you giving your time to me and others.

Comment by Marsha H on April 9, 2018 at 3:18pm

Susan F ...  I am so sorry that your boyfriend has passed away and I know it doesn't seem fair.  I am sure all of us are wondering 'why us?'  There are just no answers.  It was wonderful that you boyfriend's ex girlfriend gave you more pictures of him and I hope it gives you peace even if you weren't in his life at that time.  It was gracious of you to give most of your boyfriend's belongings to his son and you were so fortunate his son allowed you to keep his father's ashes.  

When raw grief strikes we want to keep everything the deceased person has or hunt for more things from their past.  That is very normal.  Also it's normal to want to find another boyfriend and it's because we are human, still love our beloved, but, they are gone and we are here and we need the touch of someone hugging us and telling us everything is going to be OK.  

Although I dislike the term, 'it takes time' it's true.  My Ernie has been gone 7 years April 27th and I think of him every single day or even talk out loud to him when there are days I feel alone or wonder what my future holds for me as I'm not a young chick anymore.  I have gotten into a routine, volunteer and try to keep busy, but also I crave to meet someone else to have some sort of future.  I would say for me right now is the loneliness and most of my friends have spouses.  I am not all that thrilled with online dating as I feel uncomfortable with it and sure wish I could meet someone the good old fashion way.  I'm out there, but it sure isn't easy to meet anyone.  So Susan what you are feeling is very normal and after your raw grief settles down please don't feel guilty about wanting someone else in your life in the future.  I am sure your deceased boyfriend would want the best for you.

 

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