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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

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Comment by Marsha H on May 1, 2018 at 7:12pm

Dear Chuck ...  Yes, Trina swoops down like the angel she is when I'm in need and her post was lovely, but each post I receive from any of you lightens my heart.  Volunteers as you know don't get paid and we do it because we want to reach out with empathy and a kind heart to make a difference; there are not to many people willing to give up 3 - 4 hours of their time so volunteers are precious.

I have backed off of entertaining so much as it can be costly and as some have said on here once some people get use to you having them over they don't really appreciate it.  I put it down to laziness!  You made me laugh so hard with what you did to the people who just brought bags of food not even cut-up on a platter and you are of the same mind-set I am.  LOL  I don't hesitate to get them to peel, slice or whatever.  For years if Ernie and I were invited out and I was asked to bring something I would always ask how many guests were coming and I'd make the whole whack (enough for all.)  That's good manners!

I always look for your posts my dear friend and waiting for the next one!  We ARE family and I've never forgotten that.  It's comforting and many wished all of us could meet, but, that's not possible, but one thing I can say is I feel much closer to all of you than I do anyone around me here.  

You take good care of yourself and say hello to Steve for me.  

Much love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 1, 2018 at 6:49pm

Dear Sara ...  Thank you so much for the support and I sure do appreciate it.  You made me laugh 'give her a kick in the pants from all of us.'  LOL  I may just do that.  She did send an email and was afraid of losing me and wanted me to come back and said she more or less fixed what was going on.  As I told Deb P., I want a meeting with all volunteers and the owner with a set of rules so there is no more animosity between volunteers.  I go for the dogs, I'm also very easy to get along with and I'm in touch by email by several of the owners who adopted dogs and one or two have come back for a second dog.  My target is the dogs as the poor little souls are snatched just in time from being euthanized.  Healthy dogs and some pregnant and it makes me sick these poor wee souls are tossed aside like so much garbage.  The owner does love dogs, but tries to save all of them which just isn't possible and she's wearing down so all the more reason to get things organized when adopting her dogs out.  I think it may work. 

I am also being supportive of my best an dear female friend who has lung and brain cancer and it's difficult as it makes me feel I have gone back to that place when my beloved Ernie was ill, but I'm staunch when it comes to being loyal to friends and you don't walk away when things get tough for yourself.  I pray every night all of us will have peace and joy in our lives and smile once again and 'dance!'  I left that link on here that I had sent to Chuck.  It's a wonderful song and fits all of us.  When we feel like giving up, we dance!  When we do this we get stronger. 

Thank you again my dear friend for putting your own grief aside to make me smile by your post and I sure do appreciate it.

Love

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on May 1, 2018 at 6:27pm

Deborah P ...  Thank you so much for caring.  I wasn't going to go back in, but the owner of the shelter emailed me and must have realized what was happening which wasn't right and begged me to come back so I figured it was worth another try.  Glad I did as we are slowly getting things accomplished and I'm trying to get a meeting together so all volunteers can give their opinions on how to make things better and have a set of rules, so one volunteer isn't against another.  I did tell the owner if it didn't improve I was leaving, but my heart breaks if I have to because each dog that comes in I just want them to have a good family.  I want to be honest in saying the owner of the dog shelter loves dogs and the problem is trying to save everyone of them from euthanasia before she gets them and the truth is, you can save some, but not all.  She works very hard and I feel she's burning herself out and all the more reason to let us volunteers help you and take a bit of the load away.  We'll see what happens.  There are no dog shelters that are close enough for me and I have 2 old dogs where I have to come home at a decent time so time is of the essence.  

I can understand how much more comfortable you feel entertaining in your own home and that's how I started out.  I do have my very small immediate family over for BBQ's, special occasions, etc.  The problem with my friends at my age is generally it's the husbands that are ill or, grumpy.  LOL  I don't like waiting on more than 4 - 8 people at one time.  Odd, but all the celebrations I've had at my home other than my immediate family I have not been asked to other's home.  I figure it's the women of the household that treat us like a leper and perhaps it's the lack of confidence in their marriage.  It's ridiculous and although our spouses are gone we haven't changed all that much.  You bet they will be going through what we have been going through and no doubt they will feel their pain is far worse than any of ours.

Deb, you made me laugh with 'kattie' and I hear you.  It's sure tempting.  You watch, if I do meet someone my phone will be ringing off the hook and not so much to invite myself to their place, but they are snoopy on a need to know basis.  As I said I'm not much into online dating, but considering it as I've been so many places and some men do seem to be interested in me, but either they are married or shy.  I will always love Ernie and hope we are together one day, but I'm here on this God-forsaken earth and I would like to meet someone (just a nice typical man that isn't just wanting to hike, kayak or whatever.)  I'm not into that, but do like fishing, gardening, nature walks on the dyke, the odd theater, eating out or simply sitting together and talking about whatever interests each other.  I am beginning to think this is never going to happen.  Do I have spinach in my teeth?  LOL  Maybe TP hanging out the back of my jeans!  LOL  

Thank you my dear friend for caring and you have made me feel more normal than I have been feeling.  I always am in awe when a member comes on here through their own pain and supports each one of us who post.  

Love

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 1, 2018 at 7:38am

Dear Marsha,

What a glorious way to start my day - thank you so much for taking me back to the first time you sent this song to me - indeed my sweet sister, I did, and continue to dance. I hope the insightful lyrics mean as much to everyone here in our family - what a beautiful inspiring and loving message. Who else but you would use this song?!

Love, Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on May 1, 2018 at 6:26am

To my dear friends ...  I will answer your posts tomorrow, but, I wanted to leave this beautiful song that I did send my dearest brother Chuck and I don't think he'll mind if I share it with you.  Please listen to the words.  I try to live my life this way and I hope you all 'dance!'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM_UJbTMY0M

Love & Hugs

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 30, 2018 at 10:27pm

Dear Charles,

Hello! I sent you a friend request. Will write more to you soon. Hope you and Steve have been doing well.

Your friend,

Trina

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 30, 2018 at 2:19pm

Marsha......I'm so sorry you have so much going on at one time.   I can't believe someone told you that you don't fit in because you are no longer a couple.  I wonder if people hear themselves when they say these thing.  I too get frustrated by friends who think they're doing me a favor by getting together for dinner once or twice a year. 

I hope the shelter owner comes to realize how valuable you are/have been.  I'd hate for you to get so frustrated that you walk away from something you love.  Please give her a kick in the pants from all of us here. 

Love,

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on April 30, 2018 at 10:38am

dear Marsha, I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know how much you love your job and to be made to feel like its a competition with another employee is just crazy, you volunteer because you want to make a difference to these poor animals and to now feel uncomfortable doing something you love is just wrong, have you tried sitting down with your boss and explaining how you feel? is there another shelter in your area you could work at?

I'm so sorry about your friends, I know you must be feeling so confused, angry and lost. I too entertain a lot as its what we always did, but the diferrance is I prefer to do it at my house, I'm very shy so this is where I feel more like myself especially after Greg passed I just don't like going anywhere but with family. I don't understand the mindset of other people that think we are lepers since we no longer have a spouse its very sad to me since sooner or later they will all go thru this.

I pray that you soon meet someone that you can go out with and have fun, then you can tell your "friends " you are too busy to entertain them, does that sound catty, yes I guess it does, but seriously it sounds like you are lonely for male companionship and I hope you find that, love Deb

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 29, 2018 at 8:19pm

Dear Marsha,

I have read your first posts, then Trina's beautiful reply (Hi Trina), and your reply to her. I can't add much to what Trina says, because I think it is spot on. I know how much you love working with the shelter, and such treatment is not what you deserve ever - no one does who volunteers anyplace their time and energies. Shame on the owner.

I've known that you entertain and socialize at your home , providing food and your generous hospitality, inviting friends, neighbors, and family. That your invitations are not reciprocated is another injustice, and you are most definitely within your rights to be offended, hurt, and angry. I am feeling those on your behalf also, and have experienced something similar to what you describe experiencing, ans what Trina's sister does also. I will share one story - my family wanted to revive the annual reunion, but the hosting and planning fell on the same cousins over and over until Larry and I stepped up and offered to have the next one at our house the following year. We sent invitations asking everyone to reply with any dishes they wanted to bring, so we wouldn't end up with 50 lbs. of potato salad and nothing else! We grilled burgers and hotdogs, and close in distance families brought dishes, while those traveling further brought chips, soda, etc. We rented a huge canopy, tables and chairs, supplied soft and hard beverages, and all paper and plastic eating needs. The day was perfect weather wise, and we started setting up at 5 AM, guests arriving at noon. Cars started coming in droves, and parked on the lawn in designated areas guided by my brother, while Larry started grilling and I manned the kitchen designating places outside to place platters and bowls as they arrived, even supplying large frozen ice trays for the cold foods for safety. Then in walks my cousin with 4 huge grocery bags of melons, apples, oranges, etc, plops them on the counter and says "here's your fruit salad - it just needs to be cut up."

Now try to imaging my face as 3 more people enter asking where to put the beans/chips/ whatever, someone's asking me to come arrange the seating. and an hours worth of labor is sitting on the counter unwashed, peeled, sliced, cored, etc. Well there was only one thing I could do - I grabbed her tightly around the neck in a big hug and burst out laughing, saying that only she would do such a bizarre thing - thanks for breaking my tension! then I handed her a knife, a peeler, pointed to the sink and said "Get to work - you have 30 minutes to make this mess a fruit salad - there's bowls in the cupboard!"

There's more I want to say regarding your best friend, and I am so very sorry for that terrible development for both of you. I also want to tell you about something that I did today regarding forgiveness after someone said something quite profound to me at church. That will wait til next post, but I am praying for you, and thank you for so openly sharing and trusting us with your troubles. That's what family is for, and my sister, you ARE my family and always will be. More later - get some rest please -

Love and hugs,

Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 29, 2018 at 10:45am

Marsha..I just want to know that I read everything, but I am not going to reply till later...I need to sleep on it, cuz I am too angry to reply now...F*** all these. People...this might be a blessing in disguise...you might be needed by another animal group who REALLY needs you..and that isn,t run by a thoughtless moron. 

Ok I will be back in the morning..and, hey girl..I will be 72 in Sept and I am striving to b just like YOU! Love u, my friend.

OH NUTS! IT IS NOW 15 HOURS LATER, and I just realized I never hit the comment button!so here’s last nights post from me. Sorry! 

 

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