Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Sunday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2.
Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2.
Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31.
Marsha......I'm so sorry you have so much going on at one time. I can't believe someone told you that you don't fit in because you are no longer a couple. I wonder if people hear themselves when they say these thing. I too get frustrated by friends who think they're doing me a favor by getting together for dinner once or twice a year.
I hope the shelter owner comes to realize how valuable you are/have been. I'd hate for you to get so frustrated that you walk away from something you love. Please give her a kick in the pants from all of us here.
dear Marsha, I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know how much you love your job and to be made to feel like its a competition with another employee is just crazy, you volunteer because you want to make a difference to these poor animals and to now feel uncomfortable doing something you love is just wrong, have you tried sitting down with your boss and explaining how you feel? is there another shelter in your area you could work at?
I'm so sorry about your friends, I know you must be feeling so confused, angry and lost. I too entertain a lot as its what we always did, but the diferrance is I prefer to do it at my house, I'm very shy so this is where I feel more like myself especially after Greg passed I just don't like going anywhere but with family. I don't understand the mindset of other people that think we are lepers since we no longer have a spouse its very sad to me since sooner or later they will all go thru this.
I pray that you soon meet someone that you can go out with and have fun, then you can tell your "friends " you are too busy to entertain them, does that sound catty, yes I guess it does, but seriously it sounds like you are lonely for male companionship and I hope you find that, love Deb
I have read your first posts, then Trina's beautiful reply (Hi Trina), and your reply to her. I can't add much to what Trina says, because I think it is spot on. I know how much you love working with the shelter, and such treatment is not what you deserve ever - no one does who volunteers anyplace their time and energies. Shame on the owner.
I've known that you entertain and socialize at your home , providing food and your generous hospitality, inviting friends, neighbors, and family. That your invitations are not reciprocated is another injustice, and you are most definitely within your rights to be offended, hurt, and angry. I am feeling those on your behalf also, and have experienced something similar to what you describe experiencing, ans what Trina's sister does also. I will share one story - my family wanted to revive the annual reunion, but the hosting and planning fell on the same cousins over and over until Larry and I stepped up and offered to have the next one at our house the following year. We sent invitations asking everyone to reply with any dishes they wanted to bring, so we wouldn't end up with 50 lbs. of potato salad and nothing else! We grilled burgers and hotdogs, and close in distance families brought dishes, while those traveling further brought chips, soda, etc. We rented a huge canopy, tables and chairs, supplied soft and hard beverages, and all paper and plastic eating needs. The day was perfect weather wise, and we started setting up at 5 AM, guests arriving at noon. Cars started coming in droves, and parked on the lawn in designated areas guided by my brother, while Larry started grilling and I manned the kitchen designating places outside to place platters and bowls as they arrived, even supplying large frozen ice trays for the cold foods for safety. Then in walks my cousin with 4 huge grocery bags of melons, apples, oranges, etc, plops them on the counter and says "here's your fruit salad - it just needs to be cut up."
Now try to imaging my face as 3 more people enter asking where to put the beans/chips/ whatever, someone's asking me to come arrange the seating. and an hours worth of labor is sitting on the counter unwashed, peeled, sliced, cored, etc. Well there was only one thing I could do - I grabbed her tightly around the neck in a big hug and burst out laughing, saying that only she would do such a bizarre thing - thanks for breaking my tension! then I handed her a knife, a peeler, pointed to the sink and said "Get to work - you have 30 minutes to make this mess a fruit salad - there's bowls in the cupboard!"
There's more I want to say regarding your best friend, and I am so very sorry for that terrible development for both of you. I also want to tell you about something that I did today regarding forgiveness after someone said something quite profound to me at church. That will wait til next post, but I am praying for you, and thank you for so openly sharing and trusting us with your troubles. That's what family is for, and my sister, you ARE my family and always will be. More later - get some rest please -
Love and hugs,
Marsha..I just want to know that I read everything, but I am not going to reply till later...I need to sleep on it, cuz I am too angry to reply now...F*** all these. People...this might be a blessing in disguise...you might be needed by another animal group who REALLY needs you..and that isn,t run by a thoughtless moron.
Ok I will be back in the morning..and, hey girl..I will be 72 in Sept and I am striving to b just like YOU! Love u, my friend.
OH NUTS! IT IS NOW 15 HOURS LATER, and I just realized I never hit the comment button!so here’s last nights post from me. Sorry!
It's been 9 yrs. today that I lost my husband of 32 yrs. I'm posting this only to let those of you who think your life is over as I did 9 yrs. ago that with time life can be good again. Our loved ones are always with us, watching and guiding us and want us to be happy and to live life to the fullest. God bless and stay strong.
Trina ... My dear friend, like an angel you always seem to swoop in when I have the occasional problem and I love you for it as I know you struggle in your own life. I often think of you and wish that one day we could meet. I know it probably never will happen, but as I always say, 'the heart knows no distance.'
I often falter not airing my problems on here if the problems come one at a time and not in one large bunch like they have been because I'm noted for giving advice and hope. Unfortunately, whether it's from the loss of a spouse even couples have problems and the world keeps going on at a rapid rate. Grief seems to magnify that.
I am glad you got a laugh over the 'pee' as it was intended. Even when upset or angry I still have a sense of humor.
Thank you so very much for sharing that story about your sister loving to entertain and no one thinks to even bring something to help her out. Tell her to throw out some raw meet and a bunch of veggies with a peeler! LOL I'm stricter than that and here are some tips: I phone a few and say 'I would appreciate it if you could bring ....' and they do. I also say BYOB (bring your own bottle) although I do have some wine and other alcohol here, but I refuse to rise to the expense over and over again. It is difficult for me to have couples over and generally only have 4 over if I can swing it and of course I'm the 5th wheel. I do it this way because men don't want to sit around with 3 women and I like to be sure there are at least 2 men. It's difficult! I find in our society now if someone is willing to do all the entertaining then everyone comes and very seldom does anyone get an invitation back because more and more people in society are pure lazy and actually have no manners. It's common courtesy to bring something to the person's home and I at least bring a bottle of wine or phone the person and ask if they need me to bring anything. Not all people are bad in this way so I suppose it's better to have some laughter and joy in your life like your sister and I than not have anything. I would rather be giving than not, but I have been more cautious of who I give to.
Oh, Trina, I am so happy you love to paint and wish I was there as I love to paint or draw as well. I was thinking of taking a painting class this coming Fall. I'd love it if you'd post a picture of one of your paintings. It seems we have this talent in both of us. It does sooth our anxiety and brings beauty and peace into our lives. I am keeping busy with garden work, but our weather is on/off and one day it's 55 degrees and can zoom up to 80 degrees in less than 24 hours. Whew!
My dear friend, I know just how much you miss your Joseph and it seems we both feel the same about our spouses. I am sure they are watching over us and pointing us in a good direction.
Thank you once again my dear friend for being there for me and it never surprises me as I know the kind of loving person you are. You deserve the very best life can bring you and never forget that. I wish you peace, joy and sending much love back to you. I'm going to leave you my email address on your private board and hope we can talk by email as I do enjoy hearing how your life is going and what interests you have and hey, now I've found out you're an artist!
Love you lots
You are always honest and open and your stories always draw me in. I haven't checked in here for some months now, but when I see you post, I read them. First of all because you are such a generous and giving person, and you were always there for me when I needed a sympathetic ear, and secondly because I consider you to be a good friend even though we have not met in person. But Legacy has a way of connecting people who have never met in person and most probably will never do.
I think it's very brave of you to come and share your thoughts and feelings here with us and also for venturing out onto an unknown experience on Match.com. It takes courage and resolve to do that. I hope that you succeed in finding the right gentleman for you who will appreciate you and be a good companion for you.
I am very sorry to hear of these people in your life---the ingrate dog shelter owner and her "Princess and the Pee/Pea" sidekick. BTW, it was funny at a certain level how they "needed" you when faced with reality: pee on the mattress. LOL!
I have to tell you something. My younger sister who is in her fifties and who has always been single (she is a professor) has a similar group of people in her life. She is very successful in her career and has a large number of friends. But my sister always cries to me that her large number of friends LOVE to come over to her many parties (dinner, tea, movie nights, etc.) that she loves throwing. But her "friends" very rarely invite her over for a meal or tea, and don't even bother to bring a bottle of wine or some dish to share when she has them over. The reason I am telling you this lengthy tale about my sister is that I see similarities between you and her. It seems to me that your friends and her "friends" take advantage of your/her friendship because they found out long ago what a generous and giving person you are. These people are very keen on accepting hospitality, but not so keen on reciprocating.
I don't know what the solution to this problem is. My sister loves throwing parties and entertaining people, so it would be hard for her not to do so anymore. So I suggested that as a compromise, she has them over, but doesn't put herself out for them. She can just offer potato chips and pop at her parties and see how her guests react. Perhaps if she does it often enough, some of them will get the message. But in any case, it is sad and at the same time infuriating when people treat "friends" so shabbily. It's taking advantage of people, plain and simple. Not cool.
I suppose when you are a generous and giving person such as yourself, you cannot withhold your gifts. There is no good solution.
As for myself, even though it will be four years in August since Joseph passed, I still miss him beyond belief, and I continue to find life meaningless and empty. But fortunately, I found a new hobby: painting. It has done me a world of good. I can pass many hours painting and not feeling unhappy. Painting brings me some measure of peace and respite. That's how I have been keeping my sanity and passing my time lately.
As always, I wish you peace and am sending you much love. Hang in there!
Those female friends I have all have spouses. Oh yes, I do get the odd phone calls, but that doesn't take much effort and it's generally something that is happening in their own lives and at the very last of the conversation they ask, 'how are you doing?' Generally I just say OK because I know they really don't want to hear it and probably wouldn't understand if they did.
The biggest blow came when my dearest and closest female friend was diagnosed with cancer and it isn't looking good. We did so much together, but her breathing is labored and she can't walk far, so, we spend quality time at my home. It is like reliving my dear Ernie sitting before me knowing he won't be here for long. The best I can do is make my friend laugh and feel cozy while visiting and that we do. If it brings a smile to her face it makes me feel good. I now walk the dogs alone because she can't walk far and do many other things alone we once did together. Let's say, I pray a lot, but sometimes feel God is not listening. Could it be the weather! LOL
I am ready to meet a nice gentleman even if it's just friendship so I can feel safe going to places I can't go alone. It has been suggested to me to go to a Pub to meet others, but here where I live women generally don't do that and for good reason. Also, it's not easy to a pub alone or even out for dinner alone. Those who do want to see me seem to congregate at my home and don't realize sometimes I'd like to be invited out to their homes, go to a movie or out for dinner. So, here I am, feeling like I'm back to square one and I've been crying my eyes out and feel down right depressed.
Meeting a man on Match.com isn't what I'm use to and it's risky for women alone. My niece is trying to set me up with a profile to go on a dating site, but it seems so cold and uninviting. As we know there are far more widows out there than widowers. It's a battle for sure. Oh yes, I've had men look at me and smile, but whether they are married or plain shy I have no idea. I just feel void of feeling and wonder why I'm even here. A human needs love, acceptance, feel needed and have some support in life and I've failed almost all of them through no fault of my own. I'm just tired of trying to think of ways to connect with others.
So there you have my angels and I know this story will pale in comparison to some of your stories, but I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening!
Well everyone, I've decided to let everyone know what is really going on with me and it will have to be 2 parts. Yes, I went through the Anniversary of the passing of my beloved Ernie yesterday, but kept busy instead of what I had done in past by constantly crying, sleeping a lot and the old question 'why?' It's been 7 years so I am dealing with the loss of my beloved, but still miss him with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I get so mad at him for leaving me behind so I understand when some members wish to die rather than fight grief.
I am 76 years old and friends or acquaintances think I look like I'm 65. I have been blessed with good genes and thankful for the good health I've had so far and full of energy, a good sense of humor as others have told me and am easy to get along with. However, this is the time when I want to get on with my life and live it to the fullest until it's time to join my Ernie. Where the problems lay now is the loneliness. Where are all the friends that I had helped through the years? They slowly ebbed away getting on with their own lives. I seem to be right beside Ernie in the fact that I too have just become a memory. It hurts my heart these friends have no conscience that they have dropped a dear friend simply because I don't have a spouse and that's true because I've asked one so-called friend. I was shocked! Not fit in? How cruel an unnecessary. That didn't stop me and I decided out with the old and in with the new so I volunteered at the dog shelter and became friends with the female owner and it's now been 3 years. Her best friend passed away when I was volunteering and she leaned on me when she had to, but now, she has thrown me under the bus and one day when I walked in she had given my duties to a young woman who seemed to come out of nowhere. I did my job well and got so many dogs adopted and was lovingly called 'Auntie Agent Marcy' by the owner always looking to me to get some of the not so great looking or older dogs adopted out and I always succeeded. Many of the new owners keep in touch with me to this day. I soon realized there were secrets and lies told to me from the shelter owner and her young sidekick and I often went in every Sunday with some sort of surprise waiting for me that the owner never even bothered to bring me up on. I felt ghost-like and not included at all. Did I cave? No!! I love those dogs so I fought back and the owner played the 'but, we need you! You're so important and I need you,' but on and on it goes and it hurts my heart to be left out in left field. Why, I ask myself do some people have to be so cruel, undermining and just can't get along. I am trying to decide whether to carry on with shelter because it's next to impossible to make things work if the team isn't as one. Oh yes, I got my position back, but that young girl is still there and as the owner calls her, 'Princess.' Yeah, and did she find the pee (a pun) under the mattress! LOL So now I have to make a decision on this one. She has sent me an email today begging me to come in and I may not. Absence sometimes makes the heart grow fonder so they say. Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I love dogs and I love the feeling of finding homes for these strays and it fills in my time and something to look forward to. A feeling of being needed which those of us who grieve all want down the road. I also joined a Bible Study Group with great members in it and although we've talked about 'actions speak louder than words' and we are considered family in prayer, it is seldom any of us get together for even a coffee. So, where do you meet other people, make new friends? That's not happening for me.
Ummm, Christine? Can you ever feel Marshal might still be with you? I feel BOb is around me a lot! I don,t care what anyone thinks..I DO feel him with me at times. Who is to say our departed loved ones AREN’T still around? Sure it could all be in my head, but that is how I get through the days. I talk to Bob constantly.i find it very comforting to think he is here..and I SWEAR he finds things I have lost...something like a pencil I was just holding, and misplaced...I will ask him to find it, and I will walk to a place I already searched and it will be there. Not always, but most of the time. Actually 99% of the time. I don,t always feel him here..but if I need him, I will ask him to come. I cannot explain it, but I know either he, or a higher power is with him, and will help me. And I aALWAYS thank him...for every tiny thing in my life...a gazillion times a day.
Odd that u mentioned your bed. I never slept on Bobs side of the bed after he died, but after almost a year and a half, I got a new mattress out of need..it was old, and my back needed one...and to this day,I have NEVER slept on his side..even tho he never slept there. One day,I am going to use his pillow to sleep on, and see if my dreams are different.
seriously...see if you can feel Marshals presence...u might b surprised. If you open your heart to the possibility.
yes, I know I am trying to sound positive..today is a better day,I am not so sick as last week, so I can open my mind to positive things. They are out there...maybe your Dr can prescribe something for your night terrors. I don,t know what that is...is it when u r trying to fall asleep? I have trouble sleeping when my mind is racing...but it is just regular thoughts. Maybe we can help you with that? You say you feel better in church? Well, why don,t you talk to God or Jesus during the day? (I don,t know your faith...)
i don,t attend church, but my belief and my faith in God is my rock and support..and when I talk to BOb, I always address God, as if God was standing right next to BOb. To me, God is omnipresent no matter where you are. I wish you comfort and relief from your pain.
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