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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 6, 2018 at 5:23am

Dear Mary Jane,

I have been thinking of you since you mentioned the tornado watch you were under a few days ago - here in my new home of Texas talk is already beginning of such weather, along with that of severe thunder storms producing damaging hail - everyone here has stories about their cars being destroyed in their driveways! Joy. Such fun going to the local big-box store seeing in-ground shelters being displayed in the parking lot with huge threatening signs - this is something this Jersey transplant is finding slightly unnerving. I hope the latest round of storms missed you - we got some Thursday, but now it will just start heating up toward the summer scorching that everyone is telling me to expect. Joy.

Your explanation of how to navigate this site, and this group, that you gave to Patricia is excellent. The powers that be should adopt it into their directions for using the site.

I know little to nothing about Facebook, except that it is not something I am remotely considering joining for any reason - especially discussing my loss of Larry and the innermost feelings around that truth. What others do is their prerogative. I don't need numbers , nor do I wish to be overwhelmed with too many people to address. The intimacy, which fosters my familial feelings toward those here I have come to know and love, is what drew me here, and keeps me coming back. Just one man's opinion.

Be well today, and stay safe -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 6, 2018 at 5:09am

Dear Patricia,

I understand your needing to learn how and where to post - I was a total novice to any form of group/social online communication when I lost Larry. I wasn't even great at sending emails to friends or shopping on Amazon or eBay. I saw however that if I stayed with it in this particular group (family really as I see it) I would be talking with people who understood my feelings - feelings which were scaring the hell out of me frankly.

Marsha's suggestions are so very true, so I do hope you consider if any are possible for you. I personally was very ill and in the hospital when I lost my Larry to cancer 3 years ago. Doctors were probably adding something to calm me to the numerous drips I already had in place, but I don't know. The staff, and especially the nurses, were amazing in their compassion and sensitivity to my situation. Those who remembered Larry and myself when he was the patient in the same hospital during his treatments and admissions for various side effects were especially kind. Many mentioned how they could see how close and loving we were with each other, and that "our story" was talked about much in the lounges. I was in and out of consciousness, but it seemed people were often stepping into the room just to stand holding my hand in silence. I started to think of them all as my angels sent to help me through this. 

6 months later I came to view all the loving and supportive people here on Legacy as more of my angels. I still do, and we all remember clearly the terrible sense of emptiness, anxiety, and being lost that you are now experiencing. Patricia, I hope you will believe me when I say that you will get through this nightmare. Marsha is right that things will never be the same - how could they? You lost the love of your life, and that is irrevocable - but I too believe with all my heart that he is close to you this minute watching over you and protecting you - Larry is with me still, and in my early grief his presence was to become a source of comfort and strength for me. I talked to him, cried with him, and didn't care what people around me thought. 

I'm praying that you have a peaceful moment  today when you can get some rest and just let yourself believe that as alone as you feel now, you have people and angels around you to see you through whatever comes your way. God Bless You.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on May 6, 2018 at 3:47am

Patricia ...  I see you have posted at the right place thanks to Sara and Mary Jane's directions.  If you want to post 'private' then you need to ask that person to be your friend and you accept.  It will come in your email on your computer or if there is anyone you particularly want to talk to just hit their name above their post and it will take you to private post.

Comment by Marsha H on May 6, 2018 at 3:40am

Dear Patricia ...

Your post brought me to tears and I do understand what you are going through.  My husband was ill with pancreatic cancer, but the doctors felt the surgery would cure him so we both were upbeat thinking he would make and death never entered the picture.  Suddenly he just got worse and I watched my beloved dwindle away and he always kept a brave face.  Finally, he was so soul weary and passed away in 2011.  Although I have become stronger through the years I can still tear up and I miss him so much.  I have to hang on that he is at peace, out of pain and one day when my time is up he will be there waiting for me.  I honestly believe that your husband is around you right now just when you need him the most.  

After Ernie passed away I lost about 40 lbs.  I just couldn't function. I did see my doctor which I suggest that you do the same and he verified it was a grief; some people gain weight and some people lose weight.  Some people sleep a lot, others can't sleep, fear can set in for an unknown future, anxiety attacks, tummy pains, aches/pains eating to much or to little.  Not everyone gets these symptoms. You are in shock and in raw grief so hon, please know this is very normal what you are going through and all of us here are with you and we will make you stronger!!!  You are NOT ALONE, your beloved is right there with you and we're here for you.  Please see your doctor and let him/her know that you are experiencing anxiety and exactly how you feel.  Short-term medication can get you over the bumps if you feel the need for them. 

I promise you that you won't be lost forever and although you will miss your believed while on this earth, there is a future for you and you will smile and laugh once again.  No, it won't be exactly the same, but life does get better.  You just getting out of bed each day whether you do anything or not is an indication you are getting stronger even if you don't think so.

I hope you also decide to go to grief counseling which you can join as a group at a Hospice or, see a private psychiatric doctor that deals with grief.  It does help and so does this wonderful forum Legacy.  Mary Jane is so right that you should keep coming here on the forum and just tell us what is in your heart as we don't judge and we'll help you get through it.

Big hug (because you need it.)

Marsha 

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 6, 2018 at 12:10am

I'm having such a hard time.  I'm so lost and don't know where to turn. I am so sick and can't eat or sleep. I met this man when I was only 25 and I'm 58 now. He was my rock and I don't know how to act without him. He was in a serious truck accident a year ago and was on life support for a very long time and various hospitals.  It was his dowfall, he just kept getting worse.  It has only been about 3 weeks since I lost him. I did not expect it at all. I had no idea he was that bad.  I had been taking him to doctors and he was always so upbeat. This all came as a big shock to me, I knew he wasn't well, but not to the extent of death!! I wanted to die with him that night. I held him and loved him as he took his last breath, I feel to the floor with grief.  I know he is out of pain, but when I would look at his face...something in me died that night and I know it will take time, but I'M LOST

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 5, 2018 at 9:57pm

Patricia....It's best to come here, to the bereaved spouses comments wall.   We're all in different time zones so there's usually someone checking in at various times during the day.  It took me a little time to get comfortable navigating as well.  Keep in mind, your brain is mush so early on in the grieving process.   It's so hard to focus on anything so doing something new can be overwhelming.

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 5, 2018 at 9:55pm

Patricia..once u get the hang of posting here..you will be fine. I had a very hard time when I first got here..cuz I was reading other pages, and wanted to comment to the post ON THE PAGE IT WAS WRITTEN ON....but you can!t do that. I dunno why, but this site is set up so we all post on page 1 even if you want to post a reply to something you read on page 3...your reply has to go “in a row” so to speak...so just go to page one, write what u want, then hit comment.  If your comment has even one tiny swear word you won,t be able to post it until you find that word and change it. Even the word dam with an n on it won,t post.

so if you are posting a response to something you read on a different page, just refer to it when you post on page one.  I wish u luck. You can also do private posts but I am not good at that, so I just post in the box and hit comment. Good luck!

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 5, 2018 at 7:23pm
Mary Jane,

It seems hard to navigate this site, you are not sure if you go to comments or discussions. I know I want to post here, just not sure where to go, I'm having a real hard time right now.
Comment by Mary. Jane on May 5, 2018 at 5:32pm

Hmmmm, I just tried posting something, and it wouldn,t post. Maybe I have crossed a line here? If so, I am sorry. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 5, 2018 at 5:30pm

Test post

 

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