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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on April 26, 2018 at 10:02am

Mary Jane, I think any little worry is turned totally out of control in our minds right now, I have to talk myself "down" from the crazy worries in my head sometimes, it just gets overwhelming sometimes.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 26, 2018 at 8:25am

Dear Mary Jane,

It is so understandable that disruptions to your routine would send you on an emotional spiral - I share that with you, and still don't like "surprises" of good or bad things that were unexpected. Maybe this is some rebelling against not having control over Larry's illness and passing, although I have always been a bit reliant on following routines to keep me calm. I'm sure there's a diagnosis for this, but can't be bothered with all that at this point in my life. I just let people around me roll their eyes and shake their heads when I insist upon doing things the way I have always done them, even when modern technologies and advanced products make my ways look like some museum display of how people lived in "the old days"!

I know all this makes your sickness level rise, and I am so sorry for that. I know you will get through this, and I believe that Bob, like all of us here, is proud of every triumph you have over these set backs. They are not small, of silly, and I'm glad you continue to speak of them here with this family - this is the place for us all where such matters are understood well, and where you don't need to worry about bumming anyone out - we're all in the same boat on that account.

God bless, and be well -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 26, 2018 at 8:11am

Dear Sara,

I am sorry to hear of your father's declining health. That, and taking your sister to the hospital can indeed create a huge amount of stress. I do hope your sister will be alright, and will pray for her and your father. i understand your feelings about hospitals - since last month we have had several  occasions to visit hospitals or medical complexes, with another visit tomorrow. like you, I wish I never had to be in that environment because of the memories it stirs of Larry's treatments, as well as my own hospitalizations at the same time back in 2015. 

I know that God has a reason for you being here, and your assisting your family with their health issues is undoubtedly a part of that. I feel confident that, being the compassionate soul I know you to be, you touch many lives with a positive and healing effect in your daily life, never knowing the ways God has worked through you. I guess if that is our reason for remaining behind, well we could do a lot worse, right?

God bless you, and be well -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 25, 2018 at 9:45pm

Mary Jane....I too worry about all the house stuff that I never thought twice about.   It's not stupid for you to stress about your direct tv box dying.  For me, I don't have children so I have somewhat of a mental list of who I would call for help with car issues, electronic issues, plumbing etc.  This was all Ken's domain and now I have to deal with everything and it's stressful. 

Currently my stress is related to my father's health declining.  He was in the hospital last weekend then on Monday night/Tues morning at 3am, I had to take one of my sisters to the hospital.  I really never wanted to step foot in a hospital again after all Ken and I had been through but at least I didn't have to go to Mass General.  That would be tough.

Wishing you all a peaceful night.

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 25, 2018 at 9:32pm

Chuck...Good to hear from you.  Diane is right, your church story is inspirational.  I spend a lot of time these days wondering what I'm still doing here, what my purpose is.  Your story helps me have faith that God does have a purpose for me, he just hasn't shown it to me yet but will in due time.  I'm glad you recognized that you needed to be in church on that day.  Not only did you help a new member but he helped you through a tough day, possibly without even knowing it. 

Please pass along my belated birthday wishes to Steve.

Love,

Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 25, 2018 at 3:50pm

I also tend to worry when this ste is quiet. LOL. Especially if I am having a sad day, and it is quiet here..I figure others are having good days, and I don,t want to bum anyone out. Lol

i have been quiet lately, but not from sadness..I have had a lot of silly stress issues..which have disrupted my life, which caused my Epstein Barr to REALLY kick in. Any small disruption sends me from 0-5000 in seconds on the fear-meter, which ends up making me really sick. This last week has been one of the worst ever..over something a stupid as my master bedroom Direct TV box dying. For good. Ironically, I had been wanting to “cut the cable” and this was my chance..so I hooked up a regular antenna and have been using it since..and I am not happy...because since Bob died, ANY unexpected, lengthy change in my normal routine sends me over the edge.  Is anyone else like this?  I do ok with PLANNED disruptions, like vacations, but unplanned major (to me) things I fall apart.

Comment by Diane C on April 25, 2018 at 11:18am

Hi Chuck,

Nice to hear from you as always. Glad to hear you made it through the anniversary. That is always so hard, but you did it!!! Your church story was very inspirational. So glad you decided to go and what a nice surprise for the new gentleman at church. What a blessing to have you and Steve in his path! I am working on my 6th year here. Hard to believe Rich has been gone 6 years on Aug. 1st. I do not use Facebook either, so I will not be active on that site. This is my home and has been since the day I joined in 2012. I don't often post much, but I read it every day. If I feel I can help someone I jump in. With the knowledge that some of us "oldies" are staying put, I will keep checking in, and adding my two cents worth occasionally.

Please give Steve a belated Happy Birthday hug from me.

Love,

Diane

Comment by Diane C on April 25, 2018 at 11:09am

Good to hear from you Marsha, as always!! Good luck with all that spring cleaning. Weather is still cold and rainy here. We had one spring day in the last few weeks. I am in the middle of moving my uncle (81) and mom (84) into separate nursing homes. Cleaning out my uncles apartment right now. He has to be out by the end of the month. Then I will move on to my moms house in the near future. Working full time and taking care of them just became too much for me alone. But hopefully this is the right move. Very hard emotional decisions to make, but this is best for both of them health wise. Again, good to hear from you!

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 24, 2018 at 8:06pm

Hi Dianne C, and everyone,

Someone once said "Be careful when you shake the tree... you never know what will fall out!" I guess you shook the tree for me, and I too am glad to hear from you. As officially now an older member I suppose (2 1/2 years) I also think of the people who were posting often when I was newer.

I believe Marsha must be correct about Facebook, but I don't use that either.

I want to especially thank Sara for remembering my three year anniversary of losing Larry, and Mary Jane - both of your wishes are more appreciated than you could imagine. For the days leading up to Sunday the 15th, I was trying to occupy myself with simple plans for Steve's 71st birthday on the 20th, but in the background my edginess and trouble sleeping should have tipped me off to the fact that the date was looming large nevertheless. I said to Steve I didn't know what was the matter with me, to which he calmly replied that I was like this last April also, and it's perfectly normal and to be expected. I was wondering if I would be able to attend our church Sunday, which is small and intimate. I feel like I have friends there, but they don't all know my circumstances, and I was afraid of getting emotional during the service and making everyone uncomfortable. That morning after dressing and gathering my things, Steve gently said we could stay home if I wanted. I said no, I needed a good dose of God's help today. As we entered the lobby of the building, our pastor quickly nabbed us and introduced us to a gentleman who just moved to Dallas from Phoenix, and had also lost his husband just last July after 22 years together. Pastor Bob asked us to "take him under our wings", and I felt the most beautiful sense of God's presence telling me this is why I needed to come today - to help someone else, just like we do for each other here on Legacy. I think he was moved and comforted to find two guys who instantly understood his situation having gone through it ourselves, and I hope he returns next week.

Anyway, I got through the day without too much "damage" emotionally, and although it still feels like I am a stranger in a strange (very strange sometimes indeed) land, I am doing well, as is Steve - life has it's challenges for us both, but like the song says, we're still standing!

Diane, you are sweet to worry about us old-timers - I am a bit of a mother hen myself (ask Steve), and yet I now have faith that our silent members are busy with the good things that arrive with the gradual healing for which we all pray - for ourselves and for each other. If anyone can feel the vibes I'm sending out to them , they know they are not and never will be forgotten - they all played a tremendous role in my own finding strength and peace with the help of this loving family. I especially pray that the newer members, whose painful journey is just begun, know that there is light ahead for them - something we who are further along on our own paths can assure them.

Love to all, and God Bless Everyone,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on April 24, 2018 at 3:33pm

Dear Deb C ...  It's great to see you post.  Since Legacy has introduced Facebook most of the newer members seem to go there (I don't and a few others don't ...  us older members.)  I have my ups and downs trying to figure out my new life, but it's not all bad.  Been cleaning out cupboards, closets, drawers, the garage and finally we're getting some sunshine so busy out in the garden as well. 

I hope you are well and I do think of you often.  I miss the old crowd.  

Hugs

Marsha

 

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