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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on April 28, 2018 at 9:16am

Patty, I'm so sorry you are now in this group but you've found a good "family" to be in and everyone can help you try to deal with it, this May will be 1 year for me and I still feel like I'm in a fog all the time and just when I think Ive got a grasp on it all I sink again, everyones journey is different as everyone griefs differently but Ive gotten a lot of good advice on here. so hang on and just concentrate on a day at a tome

Comment by deborah peck on April 28, 2018 at 9:12am

Mary Jane I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now, it seems to never stop doesn't it, I check on here every morning and night so please post if you need to, I will be here.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 28, 2018 at 8:19am

Patty - Sorry, that last post had an unfinished thought. I meant to say that finding a safe place...certainly saved my sanity, and possibly my life.

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 28, 2018 at 8:03am

Dear Patty,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. Three weeks is such a short time - I am thinking back to that point after I lost my Larry after 32 years, and remember feeling very much all the things you describe. I sadly did not have the comfort of finding this site until 6 months later. As you say, finding a safe and understanding place to pour out my heart without anyone judging, criticizing, or telling me to "get over it". I am glad you found this family -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 28, 2018 at 7:04am

Dear Marsha,

Steve and I are sending our thoughts and prayers your way , and know how right you are about never forgetting our spouses - we never stop loving them with all our hearts. I apologize for being a day late in acknowledging your 7th anniversary of your loss of Ernie - yesterday Steve was scheduled for a medical procedure to take place quite early in the AM, and preparation for that began on Thursday (yes, that procedure) - and once we got home Friday we both were kind of worn out, so I never connected the date with my intentions to write you. I just this morning finally got onto my computer and started reading my emails. Everything went well for Steve, and he is fine thank God.

It is good that you keep yourself busy , and I am so sorry for the other stresses you are going through that I'm sure make this time more difficult for you. You have been, and continue to be such a constant and reliable source of support and compassion for everyone in this special family, and I feel justified in saying we all love you and are extremely grateful for all you do. 

God Bless You, and wishing you a peaceful weekend -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Patricia Huett on April 28, 2018 at 2:43am
Mary Jane,
Thank you so much for your kind words and you are right I think I have come to a safe and welcoming place. I have received nothing but kindness and compassion toward me. That is so comforting at this time when I am so lost. I can't imagine it getting any better. The pain is so raw right now and I just feel like crawling into a hole most of the time. You don't understand how you help people by just listening and saying kind things to them. This is true in our everyday lives, we do not know what is going on with the person next to us at the bank or wherever and a kind word could make their day brighter! Again, Thank you for welcoming me to this safe haven.
Your sister
Patty
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 28, 2018 at 12:14am

Ok, kids, I am curious about what is going on on our Facebook page..so I think I will visit there tomorrow and see what broken hearted people can possibly receive from that site. I will have to rejoin...but curiosity makes me want to see..so I will let y’all know.

In my mind, Facebook in general is a very creepy,public place, where everyone knows your business, and other personal information...and I am curious to see how they can possibly pour out their pain and loss on such a public forum. I quit after a few visits, as I DIDN,t like the idea of our pictures being posted for all to see...as I never authorized that..maybe I am wrong...and maybe there are people there who aren’t comfortable with that either..and maybe they don,t know what a wonderful place THIS is.

the last week along with being sick, each morning I wake up I feel enormously sad. I am starting to remember my dreams, and I wake up with an enormous sense of loss, as as soon as I open my eyes,I realize BOb is really gone, and never returning and I figure what is the point of getting out of bed? I am remembering each morning that he isn,t lying next to me, and I dream of our former life together,but when I wake up even tho he is in my dreams now, it was almost better than when I actually thought my life was a dream, and when I woke up he would be there.

but the worst part is I am so afraid of life I am frozen and can only manage to sit And wait for the day to end...and each day is a repeat of the previous, where I am sure that if I am not vigilant,I will be unable to protect my loved ones from dying. I couldn’t stop Bobs death,so how Can I stop anyone else from dying? So that is what my life has become..I am merely nothing but a bundle of terror, powerless to stop the train of fear that has become my life.

Thanks for understanding. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 27, 2018 at 11:46pm

Deb,,I am pretty sure that thinking we are crazy, makes us very normal. I don’t think people with REAL mental challenges would refer to them self’s in that manner :) 

Marsha, you are our heart..you always have such clarity and compassion. You are so unselfish, always comforting, even when you are in pain..you think of us first. SARA you are so kind and considerate.and never forget important dates....Chuck and Steve..you are my brothers..your bravery to find each other and take such important steps with newfound love and also step in with comfort for others. Is unsurpassed..

Christine, you have come a very long way since you first came here..bravely continuing on when all you wanted to do was die is commendable..and t all the others who haven’t posted in awhile...together this is the most special group of people ever...tragedy first brought us all here, but the compassion and caring of what was initially a place that was foreign to all of us is what makes us keep coming back.

Patti...this is the wonderful place you have come to. It is a place none of us wanted to be , but this is where life has taken us. Together we hold each other up...with support, kindness and all things good. Patti, welcome. I wish I could tell you it gets better...but I can,t. I CAN tell you the good thing is you aren’t alone in your grief anymore..we r here for your journey. Some days will be better, some days you will want to lie in bed and wait to die...but you won,t. We are the ones who are left to carry on, and share our memories, our pain, our FEARS...to somehow forge new lives for ourself..and we do that with the caring we receive from everyone here. We understand , when those close to us personally can’t or seem to think there is a time limit to grief. There isn,t. But we have peace in knowing we are not alone...so welcome to our safe place. 

Comment by Christine Blaire on April 27, 2018 at 5:00pm

Dear Patti, so sorry for your loss dear. We all know how you feel. May 1 will be six months for me. Three weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My love never knew. Had the tumor removed but not doing chemo or radiation. Long story why I had it removed but was given three years. It's highly aggressive but that's ok. I can't envision 10,15,20 years without him. Every breath I took was for him. I'm not afraid to die,I'm looking forward to it. People on here are very understanding and caring and do not judge. This is by far the hardest thing ever. Bless you dear,we are all sending you love.

Comment by Marsha H on April 27, 2018 at 3:42am

Patricia H ...  My condolences for the loss of your wonderful husband and I know it's a lot more difficult because of your brother's passing in a terrible way.  I wish you didn't have to be on this forum, but, you have come to a very good, warm and family orientated site.  You can express yourself anyway you like re your fears, questions about grieving or what you are going through at the time and no one ever judges another for it.  This forum literally saved my life when my dear husband Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer April 27th 2011.  I swear that when he went he took part of my heart and soul along with him.  There is hope though for all of us and we manage to carve out a life and also find out just how strong we really are.

You are in raw grief and this can include:  not sleeping well or sleeping for long periods of time; eating all the time or not eating much at all; not answer the phone or the door and sometimes keeping the blinds closed just wanting to be left alone.  Nausea, aches/pains, tummy aches and depression.  Not all who have lost a spouse experiences all of the symptoms above.

May I suggest that perhaps (if you have children) your son or daughter could stay with you for a month or so until you get your bearings.  Grief counseling suggests you don't drive when you are in the raw stages of grief.  If it isn't possible to have adult children around perhaps another female adult you care about or even a friend that can stay with you.  Also grief counseling does help and you have the choice at Hospices where they do have grief counseling either one on one or in a group.  Also churches offer grief counseling.  I chose Hospice first, then switched to a church and it was somewhat helpful that now I realized I wasn't alone.  

Other tips that may help you is wearing your husband's bathrobe, sleeping on the couch with the TV low as I found it made me sleep better.  To this day I either have the radio or TV on just so I don't have to listen to the loud sound of silence.  You should get a complete physical from your family doctor as well.  Hon, my heart goes out to you and I hope this post helps you realize you are NOT ALONE!  We are here!  I'm in Canada so I am up at a different time than my American friends on here and we all try to answer posts ASAP.  

Big hugs (because you need them)

Marsha 

 

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