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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Marsha H on May 6, 2018 at 11:43pm

Dear Patricia ...  Thank you for sharing part of your life and again I'm in tears over the death of your brother, granddaughter (the loss of a child has to be the worst) and now your beloved husband.  I know the fear you must be feeling that you'll slip back as you did when your brother passed away, but you won't!  You have come to a wonderful place 'Legacy' where we all understand just how you feel.  Legacy and the wonderful angels on it saved my life when my Ernie passed away.  It's a place you can express exactly how you feel without anyone judging you.  I went to pieces when my father passed away and had to quit my job as I was getting terrible panic attacks and got little help for them until my girlfriend suggested her doctor and he helped me a great deal with short-term medication.  Then my husband's brother took his own life and the family was never the same after that and on and on it went with aging parents on both sides of our family.  

I can't even begin to imagine being so strong for your daughter as I know your grief over the loss of your grand-daughter was heavy on your heart.  It is no one's fault that little angel had to go so soon.  There are just no words to help those that grieve over a wee one.  Then the sudden shock of your strength, your beloved husband passing away; your rock and strength.  I hope you will remember this Patricia; when we are married to wonderful men we learn from their wisdom and strength and they learn from us.  His strength and love for you will always be with you and he's right beside you getting you through each day.

I urge you to see your doctor and express just how you are feeling and why and get short-term medication to just get you over the hump.  It is so important and it's not a sign of weakness or not.  From the losses I went through I certainly learned from them and I refused to let myself go back to those bad days of mental anguish when Ernie passed away.  Oh yes, I had tears often, didn't want to talk to anyone, just wanted to sleep and try not to remember what I considered an on-going nightmare, but, suddenly strength came into my life and it was onward and upward from there; little by little.  I certainly can have my bad days now and come to this forum to let the angels on her help me through it.  We all hurt inside missing our deceased spouses and others in our family, but we hold each other up and it makes us feel less alone.

You ARE GOING TO MAKE IT!  We are here and we won't let you down.  As I said before I'm in Canada so probably your late night or day time is the opposite of me and I will answer your posts as others will as soon as they see it.

I'm saying a prayer for you and others on here tonight (I always do) and pray for peace and strength.  Try sleeping on the sofa for a few days with the TV low and you most likely will find you will drift off to sleep much quicker.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 10:18pm

Patricia, you aren’t rambling at all. You seem very courageous to have gone through so much, and be in such new and raw pain. 

I didn,t find this site until almost 1 1/2 years after my husband died..at least I think it was that long.  After Bob died...I thought I “was fine”  but I also thought that he wasn,t really gone..he’d walk back into the house and laugh, and say, I’m home...did You miss me? It took me about 18 months for me to grasp that he HAD really died..and was never returning. Of course I knew deep down he wouldn,t..but it was a nice first year. Unfortunately I lost a year I could have grieved, instead of pretending all was well.

the people I have met here saved my life..in so many different ways...I othink we were all meant to find each other. After spending a few days on our Facebook sister page..I realized there were something  very wrong...so I wouldn,t advise anyone to go there. I will post more about that another day...try to have a good sleep tonight, everyone. It has been a very strange weekend.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 6, 2018 at 9:55pm

Deb....I'm sorry you had such a rough night last night.  These dates do have a way of sneaking up on us.  It sounds like a nice plan to be in your favorite place with Greg on the 1 yr anniversary of his passing.  I have no doubt you'll feel his presence and I hope you'll feel some peace knowing he's with you.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 6, 2018 at 9:50pm

Patricia.....I'm sorry that you also lost your baby granddaughter.  That in itself is a tough loss plus your brother and now your husband.  So much pain for one person to be dealt.

I understand how lost you feel.  I met my husband when I was 20 and lost him in Jan 16 when I was 50 (he was 52).  My entire adult life up until that day was spent with him and when he died, my life ended too.  Although he had been sick for many years (2008), and had been in the hospital for a month when he passed, the doctors were not expecting this and therefore neither were we.  In fact, I was standing next to him in the middle of a conversation with him when he went into cardiac arrest.  That night played on an automatic continuous loop in my mind every night for at least the first 13-14 months.  Now I can control it better and in time, you will as well.  In no way, shape or form does this mean "time heals all wounds".  This is a wound that will NEVER heal, it just looks a little better than it did in the beginning.

Marsha makes a good suggestion about visiting your doctor and asking for something for the anxiety.  You'll need something to take the edge off.  It helped me get through the first few months.  And finding my Legacy family really helped.  None of my family or friends understand what I feel or think.  I got so tired of having my feelings dismissed by people saying "Ken wouldn't want you to feel that way" that I won't even discuss my loss.  For me, this is the only safe place.  I hope you'll also feel safe and understood here.

Sending a hug your way.

Sara

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 6, 2018 at 6:08pm

I honestly do not know how to thank you all for your support!  You welcome and have so many kind words for me.

Mary Jane, Sara, Charles, and you Marsha are the best, Thank God for ppl. like you that share their grief and have been where I am now.  I have not hardly made it out of this bed in 3 days now.  I know this is not good for me cause it happened once before when my 24 yr. old brother was murdered and the outcome for me was not Good at All. 

I just don't know how to get going?  When it all happened, it was like a fog I was trying to navigate through.  I found out I had so many places to contact regarding his passing.  I think this kept me a little more occupied and now I have that all done, the horror of it is sinking in.  

I also went through this at the end of 2016 when my 6 mo. old granddaughter passed.  She was the most precious baby!  She smiled and laughed all the time.  Her Pappaw could make her giggle and he loved to hear babies giggle.  My daughter could not deal with the loss (reasonably so) so I dealt with everything for her and it took a toll on my mental health, she still hasn't really dealt with the loss, cause of guilt. She let her cousin bandit Maddison that day when she passed and she laid her down for nap and when she went to get her up, she was unresponsive.  My heart still aches for her and now my husband!!

Sorry guys for rambling, I just hurt so bad and it seems like I've been given so much grief lately.

Thanks for listening

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 4:57pm

Sorry, this turned into two posts, as I seem to b having trouble typing on my IPad...I hope tonite is better for u.

Chuck you are adorable...yes, the storm never came to fruition...but I just can’t stop the fear of them. Of course the weather guys don’t help...rattling on and on with warnings..for HOURS...which makes me so afraid. It’s the fear B4 the possible tornados that gets me all worked up...in CA, we just had earthquakes. They just happen! Then it’s over..no built up fear. Do you have sirens in your area? If I was a brave person, I wouldn,t turn the weather on...I would just wait for the siren..but I make sure my cat  Rudy-the-Wonder-Kitty isn,t anywhere out of site, by blocking his access to only a few rooms,  cuz making sure he is in the shelter is my top priority. I won,t go in without him. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 4:47pm

Ok, I am awake. Didn’t sleep too much, but feel more rested. 

Deb...if you need us, we are here for you. I hope you and your sister enjoy your visit. For myself, I don,t know how I would feel, visiting somewhere special that BOb and I would go...so I hope it goes well for you. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 6, 2018 at 1:12pm

I have just read all your posts...and will comment on them in a few hours...but I have only been awake for 4 hours today, and it’s only 1 pm, but my body, or something is screaming to me to go lie down. Even with my EBV I rarely do this, an unplanned nap...but I don,t want to forget how all of your posts made me feel this morning...like Chuck said..u r more than people on a website,, I think we r each other’s angels.  The next stuff I write is stuff I don,t want to forget to write later....

Deb, my heart is with u...also I have been remembering my dreams...in 90% of them I am searching for something ...more to come..but it is 76 degrees in the ehouse and I am freezing... so bye for now...maybe it is BOb trying to get me to go to sleep so he can visit or something.

ok bye for now.

Comment by deborah peck on May 6, 2018 at 10:42am

so last night was a rough night for me, almost like panic attacks with my insides all jittery, then this morning it dawned on me it was the night my Greg went back into the hospital with double pneumonia and only continued to get worse until on the 10th he came home on hospice and passed on the 12th, I guess our minds have these dates programmed in them now as I didn't remember what the date was that he went into the hospital for the last time, as the year date aproaches I am getting very panicky. My sister and I are heading to the mountains to Greg and mine favorite place to be, in a cabin there and that is where I will spend the 12th just being with him spiritually, love to you all

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 6, 2018 at 5:23am

Dear Mary Jane,

I have been thinking of you since you mentioned the tornado watch you were under a few days ago - here in my new home of Texas talk is already beginning of such weather, along with that of severe thunder storms producing damaging hail - everyone here has stories about their cars being destroyed in their driveways! Joy. Such fun going to the local big-box store seeing in-ground shelters being displayed in the parking lot with huge threatening signs - this is something this Jersey transplant is finding slightly unnerving. I hope the latest round of storms missed you - we got some Thursday, but now it will just start heating up toward the summer scorching that everyone is telling me to expect. Joy.

Your explanation of how to navigate this site, and this group, that you gave to Patricia is excellent. The powers that be should adopt it into their directions for using the site.

I know little to nothing about Facebook, except that it is not something I am remotely considering joining for any reason - especially discussing my loss of Larry and the innermost feelings around that truth. What others do is their prerogative. I don't need numbers , nor do I wish to be overwhelmed with too many people to address. The intimacy, which fosters my familial feelings toward those here I have come to know and love, is what drew me here, and keeps me coming back. Just one man's opinion.

Be well today, and stay safe -

Love, Chuck

 

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