Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 8, 2018 at 4:08pm

Dearest Steve ... What profound words and thank you for posting it.  It brightened my day.  How true it is we can accept our own demise, but not those of others.  What keeps me glued together is they are at peace and loved and one day we will see each other once again.  

Much love


Comment by Marsha H on May 8, 2018 at 4:03pm

Dearest Patricia ...  Again, in tears because you have been through so very much and I understand your rock now is gone and you feel so alone, BUT, you are not!  As Charles said even though you don't know us we are here for you ALWAYS!  I am so very proud of you for telling us so much about the hurting you have suffered so many times.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything right for you once again.

I can't even imagine being in the same court house with that monster who took your brother's life only because he was gay.  In British Columbia Canada during the 1990's we had so many seriously injured gay people and our laws came down swift and hard.  What makes some people fear gays;  it's just not gays, but anything that is different from themselves and they cower in fear.  I do believe God deals with things in his own way and believe me the young man who took your brother's life will wish he never had as prison isn't a good place to be.  He will pay!  I know this does bring your brother back and even if the murderer died it still would not give you the peace you would expect to feel.  I know your sweetheart was there to comfort you and now, he too is gone and we do understand how this feels.  Even today I crave to have my Ernie here when things get a little to tough for me to handle, but I almost feel him around me and eventually things do turn out and I can breath a sigh of relief.

You are in raw grief right now Patricia and all the things you are going through is normal.  Grief seems like such an ugly journey that all of us have to go through, but grief also makes us stronger and makes us realize we can still live on and hold close to our hearts the memories of those we love.  Eventually as your life moves on those memories will get you through your life where you will find some peace and joy.  I know these words sound empty now, but please trust in us as we've been there.  We can sort out what is normal every day upsets, some depression because of what life throws everyone and realize it's just not centered on grief alone.  

I hope my dear friend that you see your doctor and if possible seek out a grief psychologist to speak to.  It does help.  We are also here to offer help and please realize that by you just coming on here and expressing what you have took courage and that is 'strength!'  

Your beloved is there with you and never forget that.  He will get you over the bumps of grief, he'll be there when you cry or don't feel you can make another day.  I have experienced this many times throughout these 7 years since Ernie passed away.  He is in my heart every single day and yes, I talk to him every single day in the car or the privacy of my home.

Just keep posting hon and letting your emotions out and we'll be there for you.  We'll see you through this darkened journey of grief.

Many hugs flying your way


Comment by Patricia Huett on May 8, 2018 at 2:36pm

Charles, you are such a blessing to me right now. I hope I can get to the place you are to give such wise advice,  I'm just not there right now.   You are so right in saying that my ROCK that comforted me through all these tragic events is gone!!!

It has been 1 month to the day that I loss Basil.  It is a very bad day for me just thinking about counting down the hours when he left and I died with him!! I had never felt love till I met this man.  He was a true Southern Gentlemen.  Keep in mind, I was only 25 and he swept me off my feet.  He was Greyhound Bus driver through Miami, Fl and I was a ticket agent in the Naples, Fl station.  He never once in all our years together disrespected me and always stood up to anyone that dare disrespect a woman or curse around children.  Very family oriented.

I raised my brother and sisters.  I was oldest of 7 and was forced to quit school at 14 to help provide for family. I'm just saying this cause when my brother was being unearthed on the news, I felt like I loss a child. I had to listen in court to a thing say :  Yeah I stabbed him to death, but don't know how many times!!! I had to listen to his Father (66) say: Your Honor I can't stay in this jail cause the cot hurts my back...OMG, I wanted to run down there and honestly at time show him hurt.  A 25 yr old witness mysteriously was found dead when they went to interview him!  I swear this was something from a TV movie.

I too have never understood how ppl can HATE on anyone.  I loved my brother and knew from an early age he was gay and that did not change how much I loved him and supported through his life. 

I so hope you and Marsha are right in saying I will get through this, cause right now it don't feel like I will.

Charles and everyone Thank You for listening.  R.I.H. Basil Huett

Comment by Steve on May 8, 2018 at 11:01am

Dear Legacy Family,

It has been awhile since I have posted, however, I do read each and every post.  Today I was looking for something to add to my blog on Facebook and found the following quote and it seems today is a good day to repost it:

“When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humors.
I can accept the idea of my own demise but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake. I answer the heroic question ‘Death, where is thy sting?’ with ‘it is here in my heart and mind and memories’.”

By Maya Angelou

Your Legacy brother,

Steve Goodwin

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 8, 2018 at 6:42am

Dear Patricia,

Reading your posts about your losses of your brother and granddaughter truly leaves me shaken. Having to endure all that sadness, and then lose your rock to whom you clung when doing so would surely leave you feeling terribly lost.

Try to think this way if you can - you can't be completely lost, because we have found you, and you us. It may not sound like much - having "invisible" distant voices trying to offer our support when you feel frightened and more alone than you ever knew was possible in this world. For myself, such voices and listening ears, quite bluntly put, saved my sanity.

I have never known the blessing of having a child or grandchild, so can only imagine the depth of grief such a loss as yours creates. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

The tragic violent way your brother was murdered leaves my hands shaking with shock and outrage. Your feelings of hatred toward those responsible for this horrific hate crime is not ill-suited considering the circumstances of your loss. As a gay man this struck a nerve head-on with me, bringing me back to a question I have pondered my entire life. What is the reason so many people are afraid of gay people? It's only love after all, and nothing to be afraid of.

I met Larry in June of 1983, then in July my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed September 1st. Larry became my rock that summer, as well as someone upon whom  my father and brother could lean and depend during my family's emotional ordeal.

^ years later we went through another loss to cancer of my father, and again Larry was more than my rock - he was an angel for helping me through my dealings with hospice, a frightened loving aunt, and an alcoholic brother who was unraveling before our eyes.

10 years later a dearly loved friend committed suicide, and I was in total shock for months - Larry somehow knew just what to say - and perhaps more importantly, not to say - to allow me to process and navigate my feelings of guilt and grief.

10 more years, and we lost my brother to liver cancer - he was alone in his life then, so it fell to me to handle his arrangements and meager estate. Larry kept me focused and grounded, again the steady constant support upon whom I leaned without hesitation when i would be suddenly exhausted and overwhelmed by loss.

When I lost Larry 3 years ago, I looked around me and saw many willing people wanting to get me through this fresh hell I was dropped into, but they weren't Larry.

That was all I could think again and again - where was my rock? how could I do this without my hero, my strength - my love.

Patricia, you don't know me, but believe me that nobody ever considered me a "tower of emotional strength", nor was I ever accused of being incredibly confident and stable. Yet, with the help of this family, the unseen presence of Larry and all those I had lost, and especially the mercy of God, I made it through the darkness and terror that was my early grief.

You are just now where I was - my heart breaks knowing exactly how you are feeling right now - but you will get through this, and as Marsha says, we all are here to help you do so. You are most definitely not alone.

I wish you peace today, and send my strength your way along with a hug, because, to borrow a phrase from Marsha, you need it.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 7, 2018 at 11:09pm

Patricia, and others,,I just don’t know what to say...about multiple losses like I have read about here. I have heard stories here, that have dropped me to my knees.

Some day I will share my story about the loss of a 13 year old girl..but not yet. Ironically, the parents are my daughters husbands sister and her husband..and the mom was pretty close to BOb. When he died, she wrote me the most beautiful letter...and said she knew they were together in heaven. I still haven,t seen her, .as she chose not to come to Christmas dinner in 2016..and I knew it was because we both would have broke down...

anyway I digress ...I am not afraid to die either, I don,t want to die violently..but I am older..and, in a is the “circle of life”. I understand that I no longer have time on my side.

however, I am TERRIFIED my daughter and my cat Rudy will die. I follow my kitty around, checking on his welfare, and examine him. If I don,t get a call from my daughter I go to pieces imagining the worst. Basically my world is one big ball of terror..of loosing the people I care about, and that includes everyone here. 

I have been considering telling the story of story of the death of the 13 year it was so strange and out of the was not a violent death...but it was the perfect family...they worked hard and had an absolutely perfect life..then travesty struck. How they handled it was an inspiration..but it’s been 4 years, and their perfect life will never be the same. They are good people, and the girls death was completely senseless. After all this time I still can’t believe it happened. Ok it is time for bed. Rudy is in the garage looking for bugs and small snakes. I am ok with the snakes, but not the spiders..terrified he will get hurt. Welcome to summer in Oklahoma. I hope everyone sleep is peaceful tonight.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 7, 2018 at 7:39pm

Dear Christine,

You don't have to thank us for listening, because that is what this whole uncommon family is about - it's why we're here. I know how it does feel better to say what is truly going on with you without having to edit and censor your words so people around you won't start freaking out or rushing you to the nearest psychiatric ward. They can't understand if they haven't experienced our profound loss for themselves. Well-meaning though they be, so often their comments or actions make things harder fro us.

Come here and speak with us whenever you can, and when going through periods of depression please reach out and tell us how you're feeling. We are listening and I promise you that we do care very much.

I was discussing my health with someone recently and said quite plainly that I wasn't afraid of dying, just like you say. They looked a bit startled first, then said I should be. I just replied that I was here because God still has something for me to do - what that is remains a mystery, but I'm confident that when He's satisfied that I will be more useful with Him than here, it will happen.

Prayers are coming your way, and the hope that you'll have a better  day tomorrow - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 7, 2018 at 11:51am

Thank you Marsha and Mary Jane, I just got So lost when my brother was killed.  He was only 24 and stabbed to death 5 times at the time of the MKY Derby in Louisville, KY.  They put him in a trunk of a car and drove around with him going to grocery store and whereever. They finally buried him in a shallow grave in the guys grandma's garage.  Two weeks later we found out where my missing brother was. We found out by the fact they had hisnpicture on the news and said id you know this boy: call Louisville police. I had SO MUCH HATE IN MY HEART when I walked into that corthouse to attend the trail and speak on behalf of my brother.  It was a HATE crime case he was gay and the guy did not want to lose my brother.  I HAD NEVER FELT HATE LIKE I DID FOR THIS MONSTER! I never thought I would get over that loss. At least I had my husband to console me.

Now my grandbaby is gone and I fell like my heart is ripped from my body, but at least I have my husband to console me.

Now, moving a little forward and I lose my consoler, cause I've lost him.  I just don't feel like I can honestly get over this one.  I don't have my rock, it died the day he died about 3 1/2 weeks ago.  I'M SO LOST

Comment by Christine Blaire on May 7, 2018 at 9:44am

Hello everyone.   I haven't been on here for awhile because I went into a deep depression. I was depressed before  but I guess it got worse. My daughter was having a hard time getting me to answer the phone. I kept telling her I was ok,just tired. On a nice sunny day she came over and found me in jams on the couch with all the blinds closed and dirty dishes in the sink. I told her I was really tired. I had been having night terrors where the dog would wake me barking and I could hear her as I was walking and I was screaming. I also was having whole body spasms. Now I'm on doxepin along within pills,paxil and ativan. I slept thru the alarm for church yesterday. I was happy about that because church seems to be my saving grace. But later I did cut the grass.  My daughter will spend a couple days with me this week. The Dr wants to know if the new medicine is working. I still pray every day and night to be with my Marshall. It's all I want. We are all so broken. I don't know why we have to go on. I too hear "Marshall would want you to go on and be happy"  he said the only reason he tried was because of me. I find no joy in anything. I'm waiting to die. I have no strength. I'm worn out and tired. I'm no longer young. I'm 66 and feel 106.  I feel I'm on a stationary bike...peddling and not getting anywhere. Things will never get better until I'm with him. I don't tell the Dr everything. Putting me in a hospital won't solve anything. Can they bring him back??? Can they take the hurt away????  I have ptsd from an abusive husband. This one showed me what real love is. No one can make this better. When the cancer comes back and it was very aggressive and triple negative so without chemo or rad. It has a really good chance of coming back. I'm not afraid to die,it would be a blessing. I don't know what the answer it and no one else does either. It feels a bit better to get this all out and not be considered nuts. Thank you for listening.

Comment by Marsha H on May 6, 2018 at 11:43pm

Dear Patricia ...  Thank you for sharing part of your life and again I'm in tears over the death of your brother, granddaughter (the loss of a child has to be the worst) and now your beloved husband.  I know the fear you must be feeling that you'll slip back as you did when your brother passed away, but you won't!  You have come to a wonderful place 'Legacy' where we all understand just how you feel.  Legacy and the wonderful angels on it saved my life when my Ernie passed away.  It's a place you can express exactly how you feel without anyone judging you.  I went to pieces when my father passed away and had to quit my job as I was getting terrible panic attacks and got little help for them until my girlfriend suggested her doctor and he helped me a great deal with short-term medication.  Then my husband's brother took his own life and the family was never the same after that and on and on it went with aging parents on both sides of our family.  

I can't even begin to imagine being so strong for your daughter as I know your grief over the loss of your grand-daughter was heavy on your heart.  It is no one's fault that little angel had to go so soon.  There are just no words to help those that grieve over a wee one.  Then the sudden shock of your strength, your beloved husband passing away; your rock and strength.  I hope you will remember this Patricia; when we are married to wonderful men we learn from their wisdom and strength and they learn from us.  His strength and love for you will always be with you and he's right beside you getting you through each day.

I urge you to see your doctor and express just how you are feeling and why and get short-term medication to just get you over the hump.  It is so important and it's not a sign of weakness or not.  From the losses I went through I certainly learned from them and I refused to let myself go back to those bad days of mental anguish when Ernie passed away.  Oh yes, I had tears often, didn't want to talk to anyone, just wanted to sleep and try not to remember what I considered an on-going nightmare, but, suddenly strength came into my life and it was onward and upward from there; little by little.  I certainly can have my bad days now and come to this forum to let the angels on her help me through it.  We all hurt inside missing our deceased spouses and others in our family, but we hold each other up and it makes us feel less alone.

You ARE GOING TO MAKE IT!  We are here and we won't let you down.  As I said before I'm in Canada so probably your late night or day time is the opposite of me and I will answer your posts as others will as soon as they see it.

I'm saying a prayer for you and others on here tonight (I always do) and pray for peace and strength.  Try sleeping on the sofa for a few days with the TV low and you most likely will find you will drift off to sleep much quicker.




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