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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Patricia Huett on June 17, 2018 at 12:01pm

Steve, thank you for your kind words and I swear that is a beautiful quote.. that lump in my throat is so familiar, I spoke at Basil's service and asked my sister to stand with me cause I didn't think I could make it through without totally losing it, but once I started talking about the man I loved I couldn't stop.

Steve,   I'm sorry for your lost of Mark, I can hear the pain.  The people on this site literally saved my life and that is not a lie.  I'm so thankful I found this family.  Nobody judges the way you feel, because we all deal differently.

I was raised in a very violent and abusive household, my father was an alcoholic and did some horrible things.  He liked to pick me out the most because I was oldest of 7 kids.  He would find ways to scare me thinking he was making me strong, but he wasn't making me strong, he was damaging the way I looked at people the rest of my life.  Basil was the only person that truly showed me love for the first time in my life.  He built me up and tore down the walI i had built around me to protect me.  I just crave that love back again.  I am so lost without him telling me how beautiful I am and I can do anything if I try.  He sent me to college and I got my degree and worked for Coca-Cola Corporate out of Atlanta, Ga for 17 years.  I could not have ever thought I would be making decision about launching promotional are and selling them in front of buyers!!! 

I'm just so lost, but I'm going to make it, I know that now

YourbLegacy Sister Patty

Comment by Steve on June 17, 2018 at 8:12am

 Dear Patricia,

I do not post often, however, I do read up on everyone's  post.  I lost my love, Mark, three years and six months ago.  My grief and yours is still as fresh and familiar as the day he died. 

More often than not, I find things I like to share with those in our family here on Legacy.  I found this quote (anonymous author) last evening and it struck home for me and thought I would share.  Take care of yourself today and know that our family here is very caring and very watchful.  I consider everyone on this site to be brothers and sisters.  Here is the quote:

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

Your legacy brother,

Steve

Comment by Patricia Huett on June 16, 2018 at 6:07pm

I am speechless as to the concern you all had for meit truly brought me to tears, some of my own family don't even show such compassion toward me.  I'm so thankful I found you all here.  I really didn't think anyone cared that much, I now know you do and promise to let ya'all know that I'm okay.  I do sometimes get wrapped up with work here, but I know I needed to not worry you, cause like me you lost the love of your life.

Question, I'm listening to Garth Brooks song, The Dance,  In  it he says he's glad he didn't know because if he had he would of missed The Dance...I am opposite I wish I'd known when Basil was going to pass, cause every second of every day I would of LOVED STRONGER and made it so unbelievably for him and not take for granted what a beautiful soul the Lord put on Earth for just me to cherish.  He worshipped me and me him and in 34 years we never feel out of Love, like every couple we had out ups and downs but never went to bed angry!!!  So, my question, would you have wanted to know when your loved one was going to pass?  Just courious.....

I know all kinds of trades, my brother-in-law owns his own mechanical shop and I worked for him for a couple years..he taught me alot.  Another brother-in-law owns a removing business, so I know electrical, plumbing, and carpentry!

Good day my fellow mates... Time to mow across the creek with the gazebo.  I might just make a cocktail and sit in the gazebo!!!!

Patty

Comment by Marsha H on June 15, 2018 at 3:47pm

Dear Patty ...  I feel so much better reading your post!  WOW!  You are quite handy fixing your own car.  Don't be afraid to ask a neighbor for help if you get stuck as I've had to do that myself.  I can thank my dad years ago how to do some minor mechanics, but every so often I get stuck and have to ask my neighbor for a little help.  I too find it difficult as it seems we have to pay money for everything.  I'm on a very low budget as well.

The family on Legacy to me is more family than I do have because everyone here knows how each other feels and we can say what we feel without fear of judgement.  Also, if one chick is missing we want to know if they are safe.  YOU ARE FAMILY HERE!  When you are down remember we are all here for you.

Now I have to go out and clean up dog messes!  Ugh.  My neighbor mows my lawn and he's started on his own already.  

Take care my dear friend and hope you have a well deserved peaceful day.  Basil is right there with you so never forget that.

Hugs

Marcy

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on June 15, 2018 at 1:05pm

Dear Patty,

We all feel the same way about you, and thank you for letting us know you are OK - we are indeed an uncommon family here, and one that I am grateful for every day of my life.

Today would be Larry's and my 35th Anniversary - we celebrated this as it was the day we met. We also celebrated the day in August when I proposed to him. Greedy weren't we, wanting 2 anniversaries? At least we had 2 excuses for expensive dinners out in places we normally couldn't afford!

I have been thinking about this all week, and my emotions have been kind of all over the place. Then this morning, as Steve and I were driving to an appointment, "Claire De Lune" started playing on the radio - a piece with very special significance for Larry and myself - and I felt a quiet sense of calm and peace that I know was Larry letting me know that he and Steve's Mark were watching us every day and were going to help keep us safe from harm.

Kudos on your mechanical skills - I can barely pump my own gas , and that only after asking for directions every time. In short, when it comes to cars I have "hopeless" tattooed on my forehead.

Have a peaceful day today dear friend, and feel the hug I'm sending -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Patricia Huett on June 15, 2018 at 12:36pm

Dear beautiful family, I had a post and some how I lost or erased.

My car broke down, so I had to put  my mechanic hat on!!! It took a lot of hard work and sweat to fix it, but finally got it on the road.  It's the only car I have, so I had to repair it, I'm finacially am not able to hire help and only depend on myself. I've learned that lesson along time ago.

Marsha, Mary Jane, Sara, and Chuck,. You guys are the most beautiful, compassionate people I know.  I honestly feel like family here.  You don't understand, you all probably saved my life!!!

Much love, Patty

Comment by Marsha H on June 15, 2018 at 6:18am

Dear Patty ...  Sara gave you very sound advice and between Mary.Jane, Sara and I we are worried about you and if you can please just leave a post 'I'm OK.'  We'll understand that you may be in part of your grief where you just want to be alone, sleep and forget or just have peace.  We all love you and we're praying for you.  What Sara said about knowing her spouse is there, I feel the same way Sara does.  

Hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 14, 2018 at 11:57pm

Ok I hope Patty is reading these replies...I tend to be concerned when someone reaches out, with a disturbing post, and then doesn’t respond within a few days. Should we b worried? She seemed pretty down..I hope she’s ok.

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 13, 2018 at 10:06pm

Patty.....I can't add much more to Chuck Mary Jane and Marsha's advice other than please be kind to yourself and don't put too much pressure on yourself.  It's only been 2 months which is like 5 minutes compared to the amount of time you and Basil spent together.  Please don't feel like you need to "be better" or be stranger or be anything other than a person who just suffered a major trauma.  Unfortunately It's going to take quite some time for the pain to lessen.  One thing I wish I knew when I lost my husband 2 years ago is that I had a right to be selfish and think of me instead of other people. 

Right now a couple of things that help me (although I have to remind myself every day) is first, I know Ken is with me.  I too catch the shadows in my house and although it should be scary, it's comforting to know he hasn't left me and keeps watch.  The other is that I know when it's my time to join him, we'll be together for eternity.  It may take some time to get there and it's not easy pretending that I'm not eager for that day but there are still some people who need me here and the same is true for all of us.  Somehow we need to push through each day.  We will all get our eternities with beloved spouses.

Prayers for a better day today.

Hugs, 

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on June 13, 2018 at 3:29pm

Dear Patty ...  Like Mary.Jane and Chuck I have felt the same way and it's been 7 years since Ernie passed away, but for the last 2 1/2 years there is a dull roar when special occasions come up that included Ernie.  Oh yes, a few tears and knowing I will always love him and miss him dearly, but he has handed the torch to me to carry on.  I have learned much wisdom from him and I try my best to use it in his honor.

What helped me the most was I would buy a Helium Balloon and write love messages on it; then go to our favorite place, have a little conversation with him, kiss balloon and send it sailing to the heavens.  I could imagine he would up there holding out his hands to catch that balloon.  Even though some tears feel I also felt at peace.  I hope you may think of doing the same.

Raw grief is the hardest, but please, realize it is normal and we are going through it in our different ways.  You are NOT going crazy and we are gaining strength each day we get out of bed even if, at first we do little during the day.  In time you find yourself doing more and yes, even smiling.  The first time I laughed out loud after Ernie's passing I scared myself!  LOL 

Try to surround yourself with family or a good friend where you can just talk about how you feel.  It helps.  I also found walking each day helped my mental state.

It is also normal to be angry at our spouses for passing away and leaving us in what we feel is hell.  Then I come to my senses and realize Ernie didn't want to go and certainly had no idea he would pass away at 65.  We were unable to have children, but we have 2 small dogs and those dogs were my saving grace making me get up and get moving and walking every day.  Also Legacy and the wonderful members on it kept me glued together. 

I surely understand keeping busy up-grading your home and I'm doing the same although I live in a small rancher and have a fair-sized amount of property, but nothing like yours.  You have two options; either hire a young man to do the difficult work or, consider selling, but please don't make any decisions selling for a good year.  I am determined to stay in my home and thankfully I do have a male neighbor that has been so good to me mowing my lawn and fixing a few things around here that I can't fix.  I amazed myself that I can do much more to fix then than I ever thought capable of.  I also have a young man on call when I need heavy things lifted, etc.  It helps, I'm stubborn and between being angry at the state we are in and stubborn is often a good combination and gets us going.  I am so proud of you for what you are doing.  Remember, Basil is always near you, you will survive and there is a future for you.  Hang onto that thought and you will do just fine.

Hugs

Marsha  

 

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