Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 11 minutes ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16.
Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018.
Ok, I am sorry..that was my “cutesy” answer...but this is how I really feel. I NEVER felt like I was old..71 isn,t old...but I gotta confess, I have been feeling really old, and scared, and this is something I just have to get over. I was 68 when Bob got sick..and I had so much energy!! I was sure if I did everything in my power, I could save him. I couldn,t...but even after he died. I still had the energy, cuz I was sure this was all a really bad dream, and he would be back. So I spent my days doing stuff, like crafts, cleaning the house...etc...even when reality kicked in I was ok. But now I feel like I am 300 years old. My strength is sapped. When my daughter was here last month, we went through box after box of stuff BOb had collected...it was overwhelming..but I thought I could sell it on EBay...that DIDN,t work out..so we gave most of it away...then .I was supposed to be downsizing, cleaning out more stuff, but I was frozen, and except for following my cat around to make sure he was ok every hour, and I was wasting valuable time with EBay..so I quit...then came the cancer scare, which crippled my doing anything except worrying...so nothing got done..finally, the good news, I DIDN,t have cancer, but I DIDN,t bounce back! I have spent the last week feeling like a dish rag, no energy...cuz they REALLY overloaded me on 2 days of prep, followed by a bad reaction to the anesthesia, wanted to sleep all day, add the life sucking hot weather and that is how I have been living for the last month. I checked with the Drs office, and yes, this sort of thing complete lethargy DOES happen...which is why I said I felt old. Old and useless. So, NO, Beard, 68 is not old, neither is 71...and I just have to hope I get better. Actually, today I started going through more old paperwork, shredding, which made me depressed again..but at LEAST I DID something besides sleep. So there you have it. My life for the last month.
The worst part? I am terrified I won,t get back to ME again! I don,t want to feel old, I want a new life in California, and I want my cat to live another 10 years...and my daughter and friends to live at least 50 more years...and pathetically I would like to gather everyone I know people here included, and put them in a magic place where no one ever has to die again. No I am not drunk, or stoned..I am just afraid of the future.
Well, almost happy birthday! 55 is young...68 is barely mellowed..like fine wine. At least to me.
Define young. I turn 68 on the 31st of July.
Yes, Deb..both you and Beard, and most of people on this site are still young. And those of us who’s bodies are a little creaky, are still kicking booty!
To BOTH of you..to ALL of you...Don,t stop living at this venue of of your life. You both have many many years left...enjoy them if you wish. We were left here for a reason...to enjoy all the beauty and friendship we can...and now we really appreciate life..we don,t take anything for granted. Who knows what life has in store for us..even an old lady like me..I know I said intimacy wasn,t an option, but that doesn,t mean I don,t want to enjoy new friendships and experiences. So I think we should all look forward to possible new experiences..even me. My body might be 71, but my personality and mindset is about 35..if I could just REMEMBER stuff, and knew how to drive a car, I could kick A$$! LOL
As you said, everyone grieves in their own way. As far as dating goes do not concern yourself about if or when to start dating. Listen to your feelings on this. Your gut tells you no but your dreams may indicate a subconscious wish to do so. After losing two people you loved I totally understand a reluctance to possibly have to go through that again
Maybe that's what they were trying to tell me, to rejoin life, I don't know was very weird. Yes I do miss being loved by a man but its my husbands love I miss, not just any man, right now I cant fathom dating. But I think its great for anyone that wants to, before my 1st husband passed his brother who was only 26 passed and his wife who was only 21 was dating within 6 months and I remember thinking she must not of loved him very much but Ive come to realize after mine passed that grieving is a very individual thing and everyone has to do what is right for them when it is right. I hope you find someone to love again and that loves you and cherishes you, wether its just dating or wherever it may lead you .
Deborah ... You mentioned dating. What they could mean right now is 'get out and enjoy life.' There is so much life to see and it shouldn't make one feel guilty for grabbing life by the throat and running with it as we are carrying the torch for our loved one.
There is no rush to date, but if one feels they want to date (such as myself) then be open to it. I wanted to get over my grief to a point I could have a routine in my life and go from there. I know Ernie would only want me to be happy. It is human nature to want to feel loved by a living person once again and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Each individual of grief comes to a place whether to date or not and will either do so in their own time or never want to date.
Love finds us in unusual ways eventually.
Deborah ... As Mary.Jane said you did nothing wrong. Our spouses to some degree made their own decisions. Sometimes we just didn't see the red flags. My Ernie was dying of pancreatic cancer and this once 6' 5" muscular man had become so terribly thin, gray and seemed to have aged over night. Even though he tried his best when we accepted invitations out (I love photography so take lot of pictures) I began to notice he was off behind everyone else as if hiding and saw the sad look on his face, yet a smile at the fun others were having. My heart broke and I could only imagine how difficult this must be with a death sentence hanging over his head. Then little by little he didn't want friends coming over or going out much and as I looked at him and into his eyes without words I knew that he just wanted it over with. This was just the beginning before he even went into hospital and eventually hospice. He did not want me there that evening and gave me a weak smile and said he would see me in the morning. He passed away at 6:30 AM that morning and he knew he was dying and I knew it too and I had stayed up all night waiting for Hospice to call me to race in, but unfortunately too late. That's just the way Ernie wanted it.
The death of those we love is not in our control and it is the control issue that has us guessing wondering if we could have done more, but please trust me when I say, 'No, you did everything possible as we all did.' It was time for our loved ones to go and like it or not we had no control over it. When in doubt, lay back on your sofa, close your eyes and put your mind in Greg's mind at the time and you will soon realize he didn't want to go on the way he was and wanted dignity and to have things his way. Would you like to live your life at the point where Greg was? I do believe loved ones come to meet them and then there is their final journey. Also believe that one day you will be reunited again. Greg knew you loved him, did everything you could for him and he wanted to save you any further pain. To me that's true love! Yes, we miss them, but the are at peace, without pain and smiling once again always being there when we need them.
I have no desire to ever date either, I had two great men in my life and that's good enough for me
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