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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on July 7, 2018 at 4:27pm

Yes,  Deb..both you and Beard, and most  of people on this site are still young. And those of us who’s bodies are a little creaky, are still kicking booty!

To BOTH of you..to ALL of you...Don,t stop living at this venue of of your life. You both have many many years left...enjoy them if you wish. We were left here for a reason...to enjoy all the beauty and friendship we can...and now we really appreciate life..we don,t take anything for granted. Who knows what life has in store for us..even an old lady like me..I know I said intimacy wasn,t an option,  but that doesn,t mean I don,t want to enjoy new friendships and experiences. So I think we should all look forward to possible new experiences..even me. My body might be 71, but my personality and mindset is about 35..if I could just REMEMBER stuff, and knew how to drive a car, I could kick A$$! LOL

Comment by Chicago Beard on July 7, 2018 at 3:16pm

Deborah

As you said, everyone grieves in their own way. As far as dating goes do not concern yourself about if or when to start dating. Listen to your feelings on this. Your gut tells you no but your dreams may indicate a subconscious wish to do so. After losing two people you loved I totally understand a reluctance to possibly have to go through that again

Comment by deborah peck on July 7, 2018 at 12:57pm

Maybe that's what they were trying to tell me, to rejoin life, I don't know was very weird. Yes I do miss being loved by a man but its my husbands love I miss, not just any man, right now I cant fathom dating. But I think its great for anyone that wants to, before my 1st husband passed his brother who was only 26 passed and his wife who was only 21 was dating within 6 months and I remember thinking she must not of loved him very much but Ive come to realize after mine passed that grieving is a very individual thing and everyone has to do what is right for them when it is right. I hope you find someone to love again and that loves you and cherishes you, wether its just dating or wherever it may lead you .

Comment by Marsha H on July 7, 2018 at 4:58am

Deborah ...  You mentioned dating.  What they could mean right now is 'get out and enjoy life.'  There is so much life to see and it shouldn't make one feel guilty for grabbing life by the throat and running with it as we are carrying the torch for our loved one.  

There is no rush to date, but if one feels they want to date (such as myself) then be open to it.  I wanted to get over my grief to a point I could have a routine in my life and go from there.  I know Ernie would only want me to be happy.  It is human nature to want to feel loved by a living person once again and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.  Each individual of grief comes to a place whether to date or not and will either do so in their own time or never want to date.  

Love finds us in unusual ways eventually.

Comment by Marsha H on July 7, 2018 at 4:53am

Deborah ...  As Mary.Jane said you did nothing wrong.  Our spouses to some degree made their own decisions.  Sometimes we just didn't see the red flags.  My Ernie was dying of pancreatic cancer and this once 6' 5" muscular man had become so terribly thin, gray and seemed to have aged over night.  Even though he tried his best when we accepted invitations out (I love photography so take lot of pictures) I began to notice he was off behind everyone else as if hiding and saw the sad look on his face, yet a smile at the fun others were having.  My heart broke and I could only imagine how difficult this must be with a death sentence hanging over his head.  Then little by little he didn't want friends coming over or going out much and as I looked at him and into his eyes without words I knew that he just wanted it over with.  This was just the beginning before he even went into hospital and eventually hospice.  He did not want me there that evening and gave me a weak smile and said he would see me in the morning.  He passed away at 6:30 AM that morning and he knew he was dying and I knew it too and I had stayed up all night waiting for Hospice to call me to race in, but unfortunately too late.  That's just the way Ernie wanted it.

The death of those we love is not in our control and it is the control issue that has us guessing wondering if we could have done more, but please trust me when I say, 'No, you did everything possible as we all did.'  It was time for our loved ones to go and like it or not we had no control over it.  When in doubt, lay back on your sofa, close your eyes and put your mind in Greg's mind at the time and you will soon realize he didn't want to go on the way he was and wanted dignity and to have things his way.  Would you like to live your life at the point where Greg was?  I do believe loved ones come to meet them and then there is their final journey.  Also believe that one day you will be reunited again.  Greg knew you loved him, did everything you could for him and he wanted to save you any further pain.  To me that's true love!  Yes, we miss them, but the are at peace, without pain and smiling once again always being there when we need them.  

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 10:25pm

I have no desire to ever date either, I had two great men in my life and that's good enough for me

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 6, 2018 at 10:23pm

Maybe it’s a premonition, Deb,  of things to come! In a sense, that is kind of cool...that both of them would tell u that together. 

No, I never ever have dreams of dating..nor would I EVER actually date someone. Well, I might go out for coffee or  a meal or something social like a picnic or something. But that would be IT. I have absolutely NO desire to “meet” someone and date. And if it is a one to one situation...eventhat cup of coffee...it would ONLY be with someone who was really interesting and crucial that person have a GREAT sense of humor. No physical intimacy. None. And I Enjoy being able to make my own decisions..first time in my life..and who knows how long this will last..I figure I have 10 good years left b4 I am put away in a home. I would say LOL..but at my age, I cannot take my life for granted. I am 71...

But, Deb..u r young! Life might have many adventures for you just around the corner!

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 4:35pm

I have a question does anyone else have dreams about dating, I don't have any desire to but keeps having these weird dreams and last night I dreamed both of my late husbands were together and telling me to go out, its very wierd

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 4:32pm

Mary Jane I have been told by hospice that sometimes its easier for them to leave when no one is around, my Greg passed within seconds of my daughter telling him he could go, she would take care of me, he didn't have a chance to be able to wait to be alone as my entire family was in our bedroom when he passed

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 6, 2018 at 2:52pm

Deb...you did everything that was possible. I don,t think you could have made his life any longer. You DID NOTHING WRONG!!!  Please stop doing this to yourself. It wasn,t in your hands...it was his, but mostly destiny and a higher power..and HE decided when he was ready. I know that, because Bob made that decision too. 

Bob was afraid of cancer his entire life. He KNEW that was how he would die. For our entire life together, every pimple, every pain, everything simple thing  he thought was cancer. For 35 years he avoided going to drs, cuz he knew they would find it. He lived this fear his entire life, waiting for it. I always thought if he ever got cancer, he would be terrible to live with, angry and resentful. Ironically, the exact opposite happened. During the whole ordeal, he was happy, funny warm, like he had just won the lottery..you see, he DIDN,t have to fear it anymore. What he always KNEW had happened. Now, here is the part where HE died on HIS TERMS.

they sent him home in hospice..he was expected to live another few months, with meds, and his stomache feeding tube. The nurse came every day, to check and bathe him...but THEN one day  he couldn,t URINATE. The ONE THING he hated above all else was to be cathetorized. And that day, at around 11 am, the nurse put a catheter in him. That was it. He had endured everything else, operations, tests, barely being able to see cuzof the brain radiation on his brain tumors...everything. He knew. The night b4, he took my hand,kissed it, and said “THankyou”. He had enough liquid food for a month, but it was like he knew he had reached the end. He put up with everything else, but the catheter was the final thing. That morning, I asked him “Is Warren here?” He said yes. I knew his deceased brother had “been there” for a few months..there were pennies all over the place. But that morning after the nurse left, his presence was very strong. After the nurse left I sat by him, held his hand, but he was VERY agitated...and I left the room for a minute, and realized I DIDN,t hear him breathing on the baby monitor I always carried when I left for a minute. I ran into the room, but he was gone. It was so fast. I tried breathing into him, then I held him and finally shut his eyes. I covered himwith his soft blanket, but left his nose and mouth uncovered so he could breathe in case this was a mistake..but it wasn,t. I had held a mirror under his nose to make sure, and I told him how much I loved him, and held him for awhile..then finally called hospice. He was not in his body anymore, I think I talked to him in case Warren hadn,t taken him to heaven yet...I think I was too stunned to cry..THEN...but I am crying now. There was alook of fear on his face..but I KNOW with all my heart, that it was HIS DECISION to go. I have carried that last look on his face forever, fearing he was in stress, but now I know it was just hard to do that..and I believe that look was fear of leaving me..because he feared how I was going to get thru the life he had left me with..I know this because he is here all the time with me, and I just know he is NOT afraid at all..I know he is happy and content..but my point is, DEB...GREG made his own desicion that it was his time. 

We feel so guilty, but it was in theirs, and Gods hands...and I know we will all b together again. 

Ironically, I have NEVER EVER found piles of pennies again, like I did when his brother Warren was here. Just multitudes of feathers, and special rocks, and love.  DEB, you did everything you could...but it was Greg who decided when you would b ok..and he waited until he was sure. And, he is still there...we just have to look with our hearts...and we will know. Because love NEVER dies...we carry it with us from life to life..and Gred and Bob and all the other loved ones who are no longer here in human form are always with us, and always will be.

 

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