Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Lost my husband

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Comment by deborah peck on July 10, 2018 at 10:44am

Mary Jane, that is so funny, I can imagine everyone thinking, what the heck is wrong with her, too funny but so sad. The only time I feel like Im not acting is with my kids, even my sister who is my best friend I don't want to bring her down so I put on an act, grief is crazy

Comment by Steve on July 10, 2018 at 8:49am

LB Grief pix“The weight of grief” sculpture by Celeste Roberge

Comment by Steve on July 10, 2018 at 8:35am

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 9, 2018 at 8:23pm

Oh my God, Deb! Thank you so much for posting that! When I read your words..”not sure how to be me anymore” it was a giant lightbulb going off in my brain! That is EXACTLY how I feel in my very limited social settings! 

If I act sad, will I bum everyone out? If I act happy, will they think I am cold and callous?  Who am I now? I am not the same person I was anymore...but I am not sure who I am! 

I have 2 monthly social is Bunko the other is a monthly nail salon...and since I DIDN,t want pity, or to be avoided..I created this new persona.  I call her The DINGBAT! At Bunko, I blather away about NOTHING..never shutting up, seriously..they all think I am dumb...cuz I pretend to be so I won,t have to “keep score”, and then they will find out that I really CAN’T keep score cuz I cannot focus. 

At the busy nail salon...I never shut up either, I just joke around with everyone...they call me “Hippie Mary” and all the time I am running my mouth my brain is asking what is WRONG with me?  Who IS this person?  I feel if I stop talk people will stare and either feel sorry, or avoid me altogether. 

Luckily I can be myself in a small group setting and with my closest friends..but even then, I have this feeling that I lost BOb, and now if I keep this up, I will loose ME too.

Comment by deborah peck on July 9, 2018 at 6:43pm

thank you guys your all so helpful, its been a rough time lately, and I did have a good time but I always feel lost and not sure how to be me anymore, is that weird, not sure if anybody would understand

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 8, 2018 at 1:58pm

Debbie.......I have to agree with everyone, nothing we could have done or not done would have changed the outcome.  Believe me, I tried everything including giving Ken an organ but ultimately, it was God's plan and I have to find a way to live with this.  I had always believed that our date of death is determined at our conception so I believe Ken would have passed away when he did even if he were healthy.  This of course, is jut my belief but it helps me beat the guilt back when I question decisions we made.

I'm glad you went to the 4th of July celebration.  I know it wasn't easy.  I hope you were able to have a nice time.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 8, 2018 at 1:52pm

WHAT A GREAT PICTURE!  Beautiful setting, and you do NOT look 62!

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 8, 2018 at 1:47pm

Thank you Deb. I do feel MUCH better today..I was in a really bad place yesterday afternoon...and I hope I DIDN,t bring anyone down. I feel better today. I, too lost a ton of weight since Bob died, and shrunk a few inches..and I still cannot find clothes that fit me, and I should be wearing longer sleeves to hide the wrinkles on my upper arms..but I figure I earned every one of those wrinkles. LOL.

however, ironically, I spent last night looking up which face creams are best for older women lol..turns out the #1 Good Housekeeping winner was something I already have, and forgot about it. And it’s CHEAP! Nuetrogena rapid wrinkle repair $15-$20 I am giving it a 4 week test run. Lol

and for you too can use it! But men don,t show facial wrinkles like women do...I read somewhere it is cuz they shave which renews dead skin. Ok bye for now.

Comment by deborah peck on July 8, 2018 at 1:42pm

Yesterday was our big families 4th of July celebration that I was dreading, this was the event Greg refused the eating tube for so he could eat when he was here, sadly he never made it and passed 2 days after eating so it brings up a sad time for me and I feel lost at big gatherings without him there with me. But I do want to post a picture of me and my siblings, I am the 3rd one from the left, the dark haired one is my best friend, my brother is always there to help with anything and my other sis lives in North Dakota but we always talk, I am truly blessed

Comment by deborah peck on July 8, 2018 at 11:46am

Ive been kinda chuckling to myself after reading everyones post on aging or on Beard and I being young, I am 62, GULP, and while I too don't feel my age and still do everything Ive always done and people think I don't look my age, I definetly look it in my face since Greg passed, I lost over 50lbs and feel like my face is very drawn and tired looking, which makes me sad but oh well. As far as me and Beard being spring chickens I have to chuckle as I am 62 and he said he is 68 so we are not young, but I do think age is a thing of mind for the most part, I mean I cant deny the aches when I first wake up but watching my 4 year old grandson surely keeps me hoping!

           Mary Jane I think once you get moved and settled you will feel better once again, normal moving is very draining but actual downsizing and going thru your whole life of you and your hubbys things has to be so hard mentally, sending prayers your way and hope it all gets done soon for you


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