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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 30, 2018 at 7:52pm

When July  approaches I find myself to be more restless and despondent than usual, because July is the last month leading up to Joseph’s death on August 4th. It will be four years this year that the love of my life took his last breath, literally, as he died of lung cancer. July is the month when we learned that Joseph had a short time left to live, after the four-month-long chemo treatment proved futile. We knew he had a short time to live, we thought perhaps six months. No, it was one month. Of course, we didn’t know it then. We spent July in a way as people do who know that their days are numbered. That month was a blessed month, we both did our utmost to show each other our deep devotion, eternal love, attention, and caring. Every evening, Joseph would make me one of his signature cocktails—a margarita, a cosmopolitan, or a mai tai while I would make us dinner. He didn’t drink alcohol anymore then as it would have reacted badly with his meds. Then, after dinner, we would sit on the couch holding hands, maybe we would watch one of our favorite shows, or listen to music, or just sit holding hands, very much in love. Yes, it was a magical month in spite of the excruciating pain that Joseph suffered that whole time and I had to watch him helplessly writhe in pain. In spite of the unbearable pain—physical and emotional—we would tell each other how fortunate we were to have spent 19 years with each other. We knew that some people never know true love, but we were one of those couples who had known deep love, and we were thankful for it.

 

The first four days of August were Joseph’s last days on earth. What really stays with me from those last days is that even when he was in unbearable pain—none of the pain meds were working anymore—Joseph was always smiling and gracious to the nurses, the lab technicians, and the wheelchair attendants, thanking them and saying a few kind words to them. I had confirmation then that I had indeed married an extraordinary man, a man who wanted to leave this life with good karma on his conscience, someone who was not going to be angry or bitter that he was dying at age 49. Joseph’s philosophy and outlook on life since I had met him and fallen in love with him until that day he died have been inspirational. And the reason I can go on living even when I wish I were dead is because he was such an inspiration. Thank you Joseph for your love, for the 19beautiful years, and the many, many wonderful memories we made together. I love you and always will.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 29, 2018 at 9:25pm

I would say that you are probably the norm..that more people are shy and reserved, than people like me who never stop running their mouth, and have to remember to respect limits. Lol

Comment by deborah peck on July 29, 2018 at 12:46pm

Mary Jane, that is so true about the way a lot of people think, my husband told me that a lot of people thought I was snobby, he was the same as you, super outgoing and didn't matter where we went he talked to everyone, I can force myself to do that but I think people recognize that I am uncomfortable

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 28, 2018 at 5:25pm

Thank you Deb..that was nice. Yes, I know BOb will be with me no matter where I go....It’s just the GETTING THERE that seems insurmountable.

LOL...I am the EXACT opposite of shy! When I was younger, I was INTIMIDATED by some other women/girls (like mean girls in school, and snotty sales women ) cuz I had low self esteem from my moms constant put downs as a child...but somewhere along my road, I let my true personality out...there isn,t a shy bone in my body. 

For a long time, I DIDN,t understand shy people...I thought people who didn’t say very much were kind of stuck up...it took me awhile to understand that a lot of people were shy. Now I use my common sense when I meet new people in person. My friends LOVE my courage and forthrightness...and often ask me to be the one to step up and talk to people for them,  if need be.

i remember when my daughter was a teen, we were waiting for an elevator, and she asked me, “ Mom...when we get in the elevator, please don’t talk to everyone” LOL She has since given up. LOL

Comment by deborah peck on July 28, 2018 at 11:56am

Lots of 1st things coming your way Mary Jane, so I would be freaked out too, sounds like something is in the water that were all having a hard time, its crazy how it gets at times,But how exciting for you to start building a new life in a new place and you know Bob is with you always no matter where your travels take you. Ive decided the solution for me is to go to work, it will get me out with people which is what I need even though its so hard for me as I am very shy when I meet people and wish I could not do this but for my mental health I need to bite the bullet and do this, so good luck to everyone on wherever their journey is taking them

Comment by Mary Nola on July 28, 2018 at 10:52am

wow you sound just like me we all feel this way but no matter where you live your loved one will be right there with you honey

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 28, 2018 at 8:24am

I understand EXACTLY what you mean. I hate weekends, but for a different reason...so much in my life is gone, or changed...and I listen to a lot of TV as I go about my day. I want continuity in my life..the same things, the same time. Everything changes on TV on the weekends. During the weeek...I take comfort in the sameness of the programs each day. 

I am also MAJORLY freaked out. I have been planning a trip to CA..for a wedding, then to look at Mobile homes in my daughters area..to move to. I AM NOT READY! What if I find somewhere? Then I will have to pack up everything and leave where I have been for 15 years. Yes, I WANT to move, but my fear level meter has passed TERROR. I have been tossing out all of Bobs stuff for this past year...there is so much stuff! I would just like to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. Then wake up, and be somewhere else, and have it all done for me. 

Note..imdon,t watch tv as much as depend on the programs to add some SAMENESS in my life.

i think for whatever reason, this has been a strangely bad few weeks for last of people.

Deb, I know we will get better but meanwhile it is so hard and frightening as we deal with our ripped apart lives..nothing will ever b the same again.

Comment by deborah peck on July 28, 2018 at 12:16am

Does anyone else hate the weekends? I hate them since Greg is gone, we always had a Friday night date night of dinner out and then whatever and now I sit at home feeling sorry for myself as I see everyone else going places and doing things together, its like I am alone in this world and I hate it, I used to want to live until all my grandkids and kids were settled with their lives but now I realize that they will be fine without me and I am so ready for my time here to be over, I would never harm myself I am just ready for God to make everything right. I don't know, guess I am just sad tonight

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 26, 2018 at 6:02pm

Deb, I can’t listen to music BOb liked either. I RARELY pop in a CD, and when I do, it is only something he hated...LOL..we had different tastes in some music, but music isn,t a big part of my life anymore. 

Has anyone else here been having a REALLY bad week? Mine has been horrible almost as bad as when I woke up and realized he was really gone...maybe it was my drawings...that I have NOT looked at since Sunday..I just can,t.

Comment by deborah peck on July 26, 2018 at 12:06pm

Steve when did music become easier for you? I still cant listen to anything that reminds me of Greg or I end up in tears, had to leave an outside band I went to with my girls and sister as it was too hard to listen to love songs.

 

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