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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2018 at 7:12pm

Dear Sara,

My friend, you have had more on your plate than anyone deserves all at one time, and I am so sorry for the timing of everything. Feeling not only overwhelmed but as though you've gone down the rabbit hole is perfectly understandable, and I do indeed know what you are saying about Ken not being there with you. I felt exactly the same. The care and concern of people around us is of course appreciated and welcome, but our true source of strength isn't here to grab onto and cling to for comfort and tenderness.

That said, I will tell you something to which I may have already alluded in the past, so please excuse me if I repeat myself. Those many days and nights, spent alone watching the hours pass as if from some distant desolate place in the universe, I felt loneliness, despair, and hopelessness that surrounded me in cocoon of isolation and what I truly suspected was a form of madness. It was at those very times, sitting staring at Larry's photo across the room, listening repeatedly to the same CD's he favored while silently (or sometimes not so silently) weeping, that I felt Larry come close to me, filling me physically and emotionally with a source of strength and hope that I had only  know for 32 years when he held me in his arms.

That, my sweet friend, is how I did it, and I promise you that it will be the same for you, because you have taught us all something about Ken. By sharing your unbounded love for him since coming to our family, you have shown that only a man who had the same true devotion for you could inspire such deep feelings. We here are all familiar with that incomparable unconditional love. So I know that ken is and will continue to be near to you every minute through your healing, both from your surgery and your terrible loss of your father.

I pray that you will feel his presence, and also all the love pouring out to you from your family here.God bless you.

Again I send you many big hugs and much love from your old friend Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2018 at 4:43pm

Thank you, Deb

Sara..omg...was this an unexpected gall bladder surgery? On top of everything else? I am so sorry. In 2003 I had an unexpected emergency gall bladder surgery...and although they jerked me around for 2-3 days as they DIDN,t have anyone to do a sonogram, and they weren’t sure it was my gall bladder, by the time they finally decided to operate..I almost died. Spent 5 days in the hospital with what is usually an elective in and out surgery...makes one afraid of.the competentsie of some Doctors. .BOb was scared so badly, as his favorite artist, Andy Warhol, nearly died from gall bladder surgery...

i hope you are feeling better soon...take it really easy..don,t lift anything and REST!!  You have had enough to deal with in a very short time, and you deserve a huge break..

On a good note..if you have had ongoing stomach pain or problems..(I had for YEARS b4 my surgery) you will feel like a new person, and the healing time is pretty fast..and there is no scaring of your abdomen! 

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 24, 2018 at 1:27pm

Hi friends, I'm sorry I haven't been able to check in.  We laid my father to rest Saturday morning and Saturday night I was in the ER and had my gallbladder removed.  I just got home.

Chuck...my heart always  broke for you having to go home alone in such serious condition immediately after losing Larry.  I don't know how you did it.  I'm glad you never gave up.  I had plenty of visitors but there was only 1 person I wanted, although I know he was there.  

I'll catch up on my reading soon but I hope you've all been well.

Comment by deborah peck on July 24, 2018 at 10:07am

I am so sorry Mary Jane that you are having a rough time, I hope today is better for you, its crazy how something as simple as a movie or a song can stir up all the bad memories again,you are not alone in feeling these things, they are a bad part of grieving that stays forever. I wanted to see this movie but think I will watch when its on cable   your friend 

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 23, 2018 at 8:43am

A WARNING to anyone who is planning to go see the new MAMA MIA movie. My niece and I went yesterday..and there is a scene at the end of the movie you might not want to watch. 

SPOILER ALERT..this scene takes place as the characters climb the steep hill, to enter the tiny church on top of the hill...for a happy occasion..but the way it was filmed and the ABBA song they sang hit me like a brick in the head...the movie starts out with the fact that Merril Streep has died over a year ago..and she is only in the movie at the end...as her spirit sings a song with her daughter and to me, it was unwatchable. I managed not to cry...but all I wanted to do was leave...as something had happened EARLIER in the day which tossed me into depression...here is what happened:

I have mentioned thatnBob was ALWAYS afraid of cancer...and he didn,t eat MEAT, as he feared it might be a cause of cancer..ok, stay with me here...

in 1982, there were 10 family members who drove up to a cabin in the high Sierras one of them owned, for a long weekend. I used to draw a lot, and on this particular weekend, I drew a characatures of each person...and they were REALLY REALLY good. This was the one and only time I had drawn this well...the cartoons REALLY looked like the people.but in all this time, I have NEVER been able to replicate that talent. It was like another artist was channeling through me for a few hours.

Time passed, and I had lent these drawings to my SIL, to copy, and hadn,t seen them in YEARS. I thought I had my own copies, but never found them, as we have gone through all of our stuff, so the only copies have been at my SIL s house for decades...yesterday my niece returned them..as I looked at each one, I was amazed at how good they were..I had never before, or since, been that good..and as I looked at each drawing, I was delighted at my long lost artwork..until I came across the one of Bob..I had drawn him reading a newspaper with a surprised expression on his face..and the HEADLINES of the paper read: PORK PROVEN TO CURE CANCER. 

We used to tease him about his fear, never dreaming he was correct..he DID die from Cancer. When I looked at that drawing I felt so guilty, and like someone had hit me with a board on the side of the head. I haven’t been able to look at the drawings again..

yesterday was a really crummy day.

Comment by Marsha H on July 21, 2018 at 4:27am

Dear Deborah ...  Your grandson is a handsome young man and looking so proud taking on the name of 'Gregory' and what a lovely sentiment that is.  A person never really passes away and your grandson will carry the torch for his grandfather.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on July 20, 2018 at 10:20pm

Today was a big day for my family, my grandson who is 14  father hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old which is a blessing, my Greg was his father figure, well his mom and him ahd told Greg that they were changing his middle name to Gregory and today it finally happened, meet Austin Gregory Brown

Comment by deborah peck on July 19, 2018 at 12:06pm

Thinking of you and your family Sarah, hope you are all doing okay

Comment by deborah peck on July 16, 2018 at 12:10am

The funeral home actually asked me if I wanted a lock of Gregs hair so my girls and I each got one, I love the idea of putting his hair in a necklace, I just finished ordering one to go on the chain I wear with his fingerprint, the funral home gave me a set of his fingerprints so I had his ring finger print put onto a necklace for me and got my girls each different ones with different finger prints                                                           I pray your mom and you find peace Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 15, 2018 at 11:39pm

Sara...that was an excellent idea about your dads hair. I did the same thing before Bob died..the idea just popped into my head..so I asked the nurse for a pair of scissors, (he was in the hospital at the time) and clipped some, and put it away when I got home...after he passed, I bought some tiny silver PRAYER BOXES. you wear them, either with ashes or a lock of hair inside, on a chain around your neck. I wear mine all the time...if you decide to look,at them..EBay has a very nice selection, and much more reasonable than the funeral homes price them. And it is nice he is always with me, as I still haven't opened the box with Bobs ashes. The lock of hair seems to work better in these tiny boxes. (they also come in gold)  

Maybe your mom would like something like that..

i know you are carrying so much weight and my heart is with you.

i wish you all the best..it must be so hard for you. 

 

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