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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Sara Murphy on August 23, 2018 at 9:34pm

Jeanette.....I am a firm believer that our date of death is determined at our conception.  Despite the fact that I believe this, I still play the "what if" game.  If we had made this decision or not made that one, would Ken still be here.  I know the answer is no because God's plan was to take him when he did.  Believe me, I tried everything to keep him here including giving him a kidney.  On the night he passed, he had been in the hospital for a month.  I  was standing right by his side, in the middle of a conversation when he went into cardiac arrest.  A swarm of doctors were in his room within 10 seconds (they were running in before I could even call for them) and they worked on him for over an hour.  That was his time and there was nothing I could do about it.  I know you feel guilty for going away that night but take it from me.....even if you were by his side, you couldn't have prevented his passing.  It'll take some time but eventually all the good happy memories start to overtake the sick hospital memories.  I do still have to push aside guilt wondering what I could have done better but then I tell myself that Ken knew how completely he was loved and that I did my best.  Ray knows that of you too. 

Comment by deborah peck on August 23, 2018 at 10:17am

Jeanette, so sorry you have had to become a family member on here but you have picked a good family to become a part of. I think everyone on here has struggled with guilt or as Steve says, the what ifs. My Greg passed 15 months ago and I still struggle everyday, always wondering if I could of done something differently, knowing I didn't spend every minute by his side when he came home on hospice but me still thinking we had a long time not just a day, but I know from when my 1st husband passed that if you let it the gulit will eat away at you and you cant change anything so most of the time I can shove it aside but once in awhile it makes its way in and that is a rough day, 

Comment by Steve on August 23, 2018 at 7:47am

Dear family, 

For those who believe:

I wish I could tell you of all that God has planned
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand
But one this is for certain though my life on earth is o’re
I am closer to you now than I was ever before
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best
I’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
But together we can do it taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too
That as you give unto the world so the world will give to you
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain
Then you can say to God at night my day was not in vain
And now I am contented that my life was worthwhile
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him/her up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face
That’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace
And when it’s time for you to go from that body to be free
Remember you’re not going you are coming here to me.
I will always love you.

Anonymous

ear Family, I have posted this many times, today is a good day for me to do so again:

Comment by Steve on August 23, 2018 at 7:43am

Jeanette,

'What if", is our worst enemy.  It clouds our memories of our dearly departed, in time you will start to remember and to cling to all the memories that made you happy, laugh, love and simply enjoy the times your both were just in the same room each occupied with doing something separately or together.  Our brains have the capacity to gently lead us through grief, and yes we resist our own selves, yet as for me I also banned music and joy from my life.  I went to work and played the part of someone that outwardly looked fine.  Those that were closest to me knew me better than I thought, yet they quietly went along and supported me.  It took me 3 months after loosing Mark to find this site.   Once I posted on this site for the very first time, I felt as if some of the weight of my grief had been lifted.  I have since and will continue to come to this site to share and stay connected to my 'family'.  Our stories help each other in ways that no one else outside of this site will ever understand.  Thank you for sharing, your post has helped me and others.  My prayer for you is that you will continue to share and come back to us, every post from everyone will touch someone and help others in ways we still do not understand.  Hugs to you, cause you need them.

Comment by DJ on August 23, 2018 at 12:28am

Mary Nola; so sorry for your loss.  The year of firsts is especially tough. I was in a "fog" the first year or more.  I talk to her throughout the day, every day; it helps relieve the pain of missing her.  I'm convinced she is still helping us all the time, as she always did.

Comment by DJ on August 23, 2018 at 12:15am

Jeanette, I think many folks go through the "if only" self-doubts.  My wife was struck with brain cancer and died within a year - over four years ago.  She was very health-oriented and self-aware, and had no previous symptoms of this disaster - yet I went through a stage of torturing myself wondering what I missed.  We also expressed our love for each other every day of our 33 year marriage, but for some reason during that "foggy" year or more after she died, I could only remember the times I made her feel bad (if only I hadn't said this, or if only I had done that).  It's only been recently that memories of all the good times started surfacing - I just couldn't shake the vision of her decline over that last year, especially those last few days until her very last breath.  I took leave from work and was her full-time care-giver for her last year (she stayed at home the whole time), but still, over 37 years we piled up way more good times and happy events than what cancer did to us.  I am so relieved now that the death-ugly is finally being pushed aside by the lifetime-happy; also, she deserves to be remembered at her best, not my worst.  I'm glad my sub-conscience is shifting from me beating up on me or angry at fate, to me remembering her life.  I hope that yours also shifts to remembering Ray at his best, pushing the "if only" aside.  We are all on this grief path, and the twists, turns, and timeline are different for each of us, but this group is constant in its support and sharing.

I wish for you that good days start outnumbering the bad ones.  Hugs.

Comment by DJ on August 22, 2018 at 11:06pm

Hey Marsha H, long time silent?  Haven't seen you post since before your & Ernie's anniversary.  Did you send up balloons?

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 22, 2018 at 10:29pm

Ok, Jeanette...see the box above? Just post your comment to whomever in that box..if u r replying to someone’s post a few posts ago..just reference that persons name when you reply. 

To everyone else...I know I haven,t been around much lately...having a VERY bad week..but I will b ok...later, guys!

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

Can someone tell me how to reply to someone's comment?

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

The biggest obstacle is guilt. My husband's condition (which the doctor referred to as a mystery disease) mimicked Parkinsons. Best they could determine it was Frontal Temporal Dementia. It did not cause his death or contribute to it directly but for some reason his sleeping behavior became very erratic and vocal. One night at 3AM I wakened to him singing "Desperado" at the top of his lungs. Right on key, too - he had a beautiful singing voice. But most nights sleep eluded me. Even with ear plugs and ambien there was no sleeping through the noise. When the opportunity arose for me to oversee the work being done on our summer place I literally jumped at the chance. Ray encouraged me to go (the town had inadvertently flooded my home last fall and would not help us find a contractor). People in my life group warned me not to leave him but I arranged for a caretaker and companion and took off anyway. Had I been there the night he died - he would have lived. I never would have let him sit in a booth he didn't fit in. Had he choked we would have been able to get him help in time. So now I have to live with the fact that I might have changed what happened. Some of what I'm feeling is just survivor's guilt. Watching a program he liked on T.V., finding a restaurant he would have loved, enjoying a sunset, listening to music. I find its easier not to eat, not to listen to music...  The worst part is - a month before he passed I said:  (after he yelled 'I'm Okay' when he was falling across the room) - "You are not okay - and you insisting you are is going to be the death of you."  And it happened - just like I said. My son asked him if he was okay in that booth. Ray never wanted to inconvenience anyone so he said he was. I would have known better. I should have been there.

 

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