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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones 2 hours ago. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones on Wednesday. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on August 28, 2018 at 5:45am

Debbie ...  It does make sense that we still feel married to our spouses.  No one can take that away from us.  They will always be special in our hearts even if we go into the future and things change for the better where there is some peace and joy.  I knew Ernie 5 years and he passed just before our 40th wedding anniversary and he's still my husband to this day.  I can deal with it though and not so upset as he's been gone over 7 years.  I just talk to his ashes out loud and wish him a happy anniversary.  I believe our spouses are close to us and you can be sure your Greg is.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 27, 2018 at 9:53pm

Debbie.....What you're saying makes perfect sense.  I was married to Ken for almost 27 yrs when he passed 2 1/2 yrs ago.  As far as I'm concerned, I'm still his wife and he's still my husband so our anniversary in May will always be honored as a special day by me.  Take some time for yourself on Friday to reflect.  I have no doubt Greg will be right by your side.

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on August 27, 2018 at 11:24am

Friday marks my 27th wedding anniversary to Greg, it will be the second one without him here, which in itself doesn't seem possible. About two months ago I was talking to his ashes sitting on his dresser and it jit me that he wasn't coming back I told him You are really not coming back and I totally lost it, even though I knew he was gone I guess a part of me wasn't accepting it.I still feel very married and still consider this our anniversary does this make sense? I don't know, guess its all part of ths crazy process

Comment by deborah peck on August 27, 2018 at 11:18am

Steve, my prayers have been going out to you and Chuck as you face this new trial, but I know you will both handle whatever it turns out to be and you beat this once so praying for a second time. I too have arthritis in my hands really bad and have thought of talking about the drug you have taken, I now know it is an evil drug and will not pursue it and am grateful I didn't do it. your friend Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 27, 2018 at 9:23am

Ok, this is technically for Jeanette...but hello again to all of u. Since I returned from California, around 3 weeks ago, looking at possible mobile homes to purchase, I have been frozen with inability. I have so much to do, so I do nothing. (No, I DIDN,t find a home, but I got an idea of what I want to find..)

Jeanette... I think it might be too soon for counciling  for your son and grandchildren. But that is just my opinion.  We each grieve at our own pace. You can suggest it, but if they aren,t receptive let it be for now. Just focus on yourself. Of course,keep calling your son, and talking to him about your pain. The pain you hare now..is going to be so different from a year from now.  But please, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANY PAIN YOU ARE FEELING. Go with it. 

My husband of almost 50 years died 2 1/2 years ago after 4 months with cancer. We have one grown married  daughter, no grandkids. She lives in a different state. Sh is just now starting to grieve. She has pushed it away all this time, for whatever reasons, I don,t know. Only a few weeks ago, she told me, “I was looking at the picture of Dad on my refridgerator, and I realized I would never see him again”. That was the first time she had said anything like that. She is ALOT like her dad...holding things inside.

For yourself, I would SERIOUSLY consider getting a journal..and writing in it when feel like it. It has helped me get through these past years. I don,t write every day, only when the mood hits me..and I have found it to be very cathartic.

Also, coming here has been a Godsend. These wonderful people have saved my life....I wish you the best.

Comment by Marsha H on August 27, 2018 at 6:15am

My dear friend Trina ...  I am so sorry I alarmed a few of you, but I'm still not getting any of the posts in my 'in box' so I thought it was just quiet or others had gone over to Facebook.  I have missed many of you.

Thank you as always for the wonderful compliments you always give me and I so appreciate them.  Right now I have been very busy with 4 friends with cancer which keeps me hopping.  Lets say I sure pray a lot these days.

I am so happy that video with the beautiful music and nature's pictures helped you through a bad Saturday night and I do play it before I leave the computer to go to bed.  It's soothing.  I actually do go on many nature walks with my dogs and it does help mentally and of course physically.  Silence is golden and I am in awe of the beautiful scenery where I walk and all the wildlife around it.  

I too try to plan the weekends the best I can and it can get one down at times.  Mostly, I am successful having a girlfriend come over or going out to a movie or dinner.  Even one day out of a weekend doing this helps.

Never think I have ever forgotten you or others as I always bounce back when you least expect it.  May peace be with you my dear friend.  Joseph is right there as is Ernie with me.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 27, 2018 at 6:06am

Sara you are so kind to think of me.  Honestly, for some reason no postings were coming into my 'in box' and not even jeanette's post.  Have no idea why.

I haven't forgotten any of you, but thought everyone had gone over to Facebook.

I hope and pray you are doing well dear Sara.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 27, 2018 at 6:04am

Dear Jeanete:  I am so sorry for your loss.  We all grieve differently, you grief for loving memories of your husband, while your son grieves for his father figure and unfortunately the way he passed.  I would suggest that you calmly talk to your son and ask him if he would sit home one night with you and if he agrees let him talk first.  Ask him how he is coping with his father's death and talk about it, hug, cry together and then you tell him how you feel.  End the conversation by saying that being honest with each other's feeling will make you both stronger and it does!  If he shouldn't want to talk to you then suggest he seek some grief counseling or at least talk to a good friend.  Perhaps he has a friend that had a great loss as well.  Please don't worry because grief takes time and it will work out in the end.  

Absolutely yes, your grandchildren need child counseling because they experienced the trauma.  If your grandchildren are 18 or over you can't force them to seek help, but at suggest to them to talk it out with a friend and ask if they have a friend the can converse with.  

I hope this answers your question and again, grief takes time (that ugly word) and time does heal the aching and longing for that person although none of you will ever forget him.  

Hugs because you need one

Marsha

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 26, 2018 at 10:46pm

Today I made the mistake of taking a nap. I felt depressed and very alone. I dreamt of being depressed and alone. Called my son and unloaded on him.  Now I feel bad for adding to his pain. I am also worried about my grandchildren. Two of them were with my husband when he had his accident and saw everything. they won't talk about it. They must have been traumatized. Anyone else have experience with this? Should I insist my son get them counseling?

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 26, 2018 at 9:30pm

Steve.......I, like Mary Jane, can't entertain the thought that your cancer has returned.  I assume you've stopped taking the Humira.  The commercial I saw for that tonight was Crohn's disease so apparently it's prescribed for more than one issue.  Needless to say, you and Chuck are in my prayers.  I wish I could give you both a hug in person but I'll have to settle for sending a virtual hug.

Love,

Sara

 

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