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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1365
Latest Conversations: 11 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on September 26, 2018 at 11:27am

Jeanette.......It's so nice when the happy memories flood our minds.  I try to push away all the sad, unpleasant memories surrounding Ken's illness and focus on the fun loving guy he was.  I'm glad you had a chance to sing and dance down memory lane

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 26, 2018 at 10:37am

Ironic u would mention that now. I used to sing all the time..had my own Karaoke machine, we had karaoke parties, etc. BOb couldn,t sing a note...but my daughter has an outstanding  voice..and I was GOOD! Sadly, age and smoking, and lack of practice has taken away my voice, but yesterday..my good friend was changing the lightbulb in my garage..(at 4’9” I cannot reach it, even with a ladder) it was the second time in 5 days she had changed a bulb for me...so I joked “you light up my life” and belted into that song! Luckily the accustics in there are great...so,I was singing away, and she had a STUNNED look on her face..I stopped, and told her “I told u I could sing!” She responded..yeah, but I never thought u were THAT good. LOL. 

It was just luck...I only sang the verse I knew I could hit the notes, then stopped...I have a very limited range..but it felt great to remember the comments I used to get, and how good it felt to ‘soar in song’. Lol..

15 years ago, b4 we moved to OK, I used to sing everyday in my separate galley kitchen..but when we moved to this house, we had an “open kitchen” and BOb would always tell me “Stop singing! I can,t hear the TV”  So I stopped. For the rest of his life.   And, without practice, your voice goes away. Sadly, I think it is too late to retrieve it.

Sing your heart out, Jeanette, and dance “like there,s no one watching.” To all of you...Do whatever brings you joy. 

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 26, 2018 at 12:27am

My husand loved to sing - and he could carry a tune. Had a marvelous voice. Rarely did he get time to listen to music unless we were in the car and then we would both sing our heads off. (I cannot carry a tune). Well the other night a friend shared a few tunes on facebook and I got addicted remembering all the good times - driving and appreciating nature while enjoying classic rock and roll. Have not danced this much in decades. Fortunately my computer chair seems able to take the punishment. :-)

Comment by deborah peck on September 23, 2018 at 1:10pm

I haven't been on here for awhile, just sometimes too painful, does that make sense.  Jaenette, Your emotions are so raw that its hard to comfort each other right now, I have three daughters and I would try to comfort them but in your mind its too much to take on anothers grief at the same time, I am always here to listen and comfort my girls but find myself at a loss for any words of wisdom to help them so I just listen and hold them. This is the best place ever for support, My husband has been gone for 15 months and I still cant grasp it, seems like a bad dream and I keep trying to make myself realize its not a dream and wont just come back but as of now my mind wont accept it so I am waiting for that day to actually happen,. But I agree with Mary Jane on the fact you and your daughter have to forgive whatever  the other one says right now as it is out of grief and and it takes patience and love to work thru it and you will get there

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 23, 2018 at 12:05pm

Jeanette..you are posting just fine...u r at the correct space...and if it still makes your posts SPACE limited ..just make short posts...and mark them Part 1, Part 2, etc..on separate posts. 

The fight with your daughter is normal. It is FEAR Based...expect more, but forgive each other immediately. If you don’t, you could be in danger of prolonging an argument..and you need each other now. FEAR EATS THE SOUL.  Those words are on my fridge, on a piece of paper that my husband put up years b4 he even got sick. And it is true. In your daughters mind..if her dad could die, than so can her husband, her. children, and YOU!  My daughter is terrified I will get sick and die like her dad did. 

And YOU are also terrified in the same way your daughter is. Show her THESE posts! Let her read them. There is also a group here she might like to join, for people who have lost a parent. Expect negativity...but it is worth a try. 

I am terrified every day something will happen to my daughter..but we talk about it, and she calls several times a day..to check in..and vise versa. 

As for those workbook based church groups...I tried one of those for a few weeks..not for me.  They were too “generalized” and DIDN,t touch on the basic problems, like FEAR and loss..

also, I would suggest you keep a journal..and write down your feelings. Can’t hurt...and DO NOT LET PRIDE STOP YOU FROM YOUR DAUGHTER!  Phone or stop by and just tell her you love her, and will be there for her. It makes no difference who was “right”. There is no wrong or right...you are both terrified, and u need each other...to be there, to try to calm each other, and to tell each other “ thank you for being here for me”. And “I love you”. 

And one last thing...do it NOW! Do NOT let any arguments fester! If you wait, it builds and builds untill you have long forgotten WHY u were upset, and it is difficult to reconnect. All the old rules are gone. All we have is NOW...cherish it. And DO lean on each other! Together you can support each other, and walk thru life stumbling, but not falling...and if you fall..you can help each other up again. 

I just realized, we do that HERE! When one of us falls or stumbles, the others help us back up again...I thank God every day for finding this site for me. 

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 22, 2018 at 10:15pm

My husband died late June and my daughter’s husband was deployed for 13 months. She’s a basket case.  Last night she broke down, I broke down, we both said things we didn’t mean. This morning we both apologized but we realized that family members can’t lean on eachother after a loss like this. It’s like a line of dominoes. One falls and they all fall. Most churches only seem to offer the workbook griefshare which I don’t feel would do much good. Even in big cities like Houston I cannot find anything else. Add to that having just had surgery and not being able to take care of myself and I’m developing a bad case of the “it’s all about me.”  I need people like all of you to keep me grounded and realize many of you have it so much worse. I pray for all of you.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 22, 2018 at 10:08pm

Mary Jane - I can't even figure out how to reply. The people here are so loving I wish I could figure this out. I am going to try doing what Steve does and see if it works.

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 21, 2018 at 9:42am

I never seem to have trouble posting any length ..but I post from an IPad. Horrifically, Ipads don’tnhave anything like WORD...so I am unable to compose a letter on this thing, so I have to go to my old computer if I want to write a letter..but here I can post as long as I want..LOL which I guess Y’all know. I DO know that regardless of which post I might b replying to, on this site, we have to post “in a row” even tho we might be responding to someone’s post on page 3...I almost gave up posting when I first arrived here..I just DIDN,t get it. And, no, I did NOT buy an IPad cuz I had extra $$$$$ to,spend...this Ipad was actually a GIFT from my daughters BOSS, so my daughter and Bob could FACETIME each other while he was in hospice. I have never received such a generous gift. The woman who gave it to me, had used an IPad to keep in touch with HER father who was in a cancer facility, to communicate with her dad across the miles, and was kind enough to mail me this Ipad so my daughter, Melinda could talk to her dad. Sadly and ironically, I had no idea how this thing worked the afternoon I received it...so Melinda was going to walk us thru how to use it the evening  after it came in the mail. Unfortunately, BOb died the very next morning.less than 12 hours after recieving this wonderful instrument of communication, and they never got to “SEE” each other again.

Comment by Steve on September 20, 2018 at 5:44pm

I always write mine in Word, then copy and paste into the comment box.  If I get a message telling me it exceeds the limit, then I will copy half and post then post the other half right after that one...labeling them as part one and part 2 respectively.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 20, 2018 at 4:12pm

I cannot get the hang of this. It always tells me I am writing too much. Yet the comments I see are much longer. I am not sure where to write.

 

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