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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on September 27, 2018 at 10:21am

Thanks Sheri. I will check out your site, but I don,t do Facebook very much. I think FB is the governments dream...and everything anyone posts there is recorded somewhere to bused if need be, against the people. Can u say paranoid? Lol...but I believe it is true. There is no such thing as privacy. I am sure every thing we write here is noted somewhere. 

NOW..I would like to recommend an old TV program..which basically saved my life after BOb died. It is The Golden Girls. I have watched each of the 180 episodes for almost three years..and even tho I can recite the lines, it is still comforting, intelligent, extremely funny. And deals with real subjects in a way comedic things now, don,t. We are too busy being afraid of offending to deal with really tough subjects unless it is a police or military show..which I do not watch regularly. 

Ironically I mentioned this to one of my closest friends a few weeks ago, and she revealed that show got her through a bought of breast cancer 7 years ago. And if u r a guy, watch it anyway. It could just as easily b about 4 men.. the humor transcends gender

ok, I wrote down your blog address..so I will check it out. Thanks!.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on September 27, 2018 at 9:59am

Hi Mary Jane, Yes, that happens to me too with the nicknames. They are ingrained into our brains. Like parents calling their kids by the wrong names. It's just habit. On the subject of funny TV shoes, there is a newer one called American Housewife that is really good. On another subject, I've started a website and blog, it's just in the beginning stages, but it's all about what we talk about her. Grief, the process, and what happens at the time, and what happens moving forward. This site was the most helpful to me and I want to share that with others to help. Take a look when you have time. It's called stronglikebull.love. I have a Facebook page as well.

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 27, 2018 at 9:48am

Hahahahaha...thank you, Sara, for my first laugh of this day..when I read the last line of your post. 

BTW, since I am on the subject of laughter, I watch a lot of TV..but it has to be FUNNY TV, nothing violent.  last night I watched a new sitcom, which had me on the floor. Single Parents. It was wonderful..up there with The Good Place, and the Bif Bang Theory. I highly suggest it for a great show. 

Have a good day everyone.

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 27, 2018 at 9:13am

Mary Jane....I've had phrases pop into my head that Ken used to use.   And like you, it's out of nowhere.  I'm not sitting around thinking of cute or funny things he used to say but something comes up and I'll just come out with it then realize it was something Ken would say that I hadn't heard in years.  You're not losing your mind.....unless I am too :)

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 26, 2018 at 2:18pm

I am having some weird memories that are hitting me in a strange way..About a week ago, I called my cat, Rudy..”My Little Crunch Bunny” and said..wow I haven,t called you that in YEARS! Then, like a board slam to the head, I realized that was one of my cutesy nicknames for BOB!  OMG! And, I did it again yesterday. I called my kitty a different nickname I used to call BOb. These are not your usual names...this one was ‘Sunshine Bunky”  haven,t remembered THAT in years either. Maybe it is a sign of healing, as I had forgotten all these...and in typing this, I just remembered another one. So maybe I won,t use that one, as it has already popped into my head. (I just KNOW all of you are curious..LOL that name is ‘Muffin Tin’. I told you they were different! LOL)

Has anyone else here done something like this?  They just pop into my head, and come out of my mouth. Silly little names that I only used for him. Am I loosing what is left of my mind? 

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 26, 2018 at 11:27am

Jeanette.......It's so nice when the happy memories flood our minds.  I try to push away all the sad, unpleasant memories surrounding Ken's illness and focus on the fun loving guy he was.  I'm glad you had a chance to sing and dance down memory lane

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 26, 2018 at 10:37am

Ironic u would mention that now. I used to sing all the time..had my own Karaoke machine, we had karaoke parties, etc. BOb couldn,t sing a note...but my daughter has an outstanding  voice..and I was GOOD! Sadly, age and smoking, and lack of practice has taken away my voice, but yesterday..my good friend was changing the lightbulb in my garage..(at 4’9” I cannot reach it, even with a ladder) it was the second time in 5 days she had changed a bulb for me...so I joked “you light up my life” and belted into that song! Luckily the accustics in there are great...so,I was singing away, and she had a STUNNED look on her face..I stopped, and told her “I told u I could sing!” She responded..yeah, but I never thought u were THAT good. LOL. 

It was just luck...I only sang the verse I knew I could hit the notes, then stopped...I have a very limited range..but it felt great to remember the comments I used to get, and how good it felt to ‘soar in song’. Lol..

15 years ago, b4 we moved to OK, I used to sing everyday in my separate galley kitchen..but when we moved to this house, we had an “open kitchen” and BOb would always tell me “Stop singing! I can,t hear the TV”  So I stopped. For the rest of his life.   And, without practice, your voice goes away. Sadly, I think it is too late to retrieve it.

Sing your heart out, Jeanette, and dance “like there,s no one watching.” To all of you...Do whatever brings you joy. 

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 26, 2018 at 12:27am

My husand loved to sing - and he could carry a tune. Had a marvelous voice. Rarely did he get time to listen to music unless we were in the car and then we would both sing our heads off. (I cannot carry a tune). Well the other night a friend shared a few tunes on facebook and I got addicted remembering all the good times - driving and appreciating nature while enjoying classic rock and roll. Have not danced this much in decades. Fortunately my computer chair seems able to take the punishment. :-)

Comment by deborah peck on September 23, 2018 at 1:10pm

I haven't been on here for awhile, just sometimes too painful, does that make sense.  Jaenette, Your emotions are so raw that its hard to comfort each other right now, I have three daughters and I would try to comfort them but in your mind its too much to take on anothers grief at the same time, I am always here to listen and comfort my girls but find myself at a loss for any words of wisdom to help them so I just listen and hold them. This is the best place ever for support, My husband has been gone for 15 months and I still cant grasp it, seems like a bad dream and I keep trying to make myself realize its not a dream and wont just come back but as of now my mind wont accept it so I am waiting for that day to actually happen,. But I agree with Mary Jane on the fact you and your daughter have to forgive whatever  the other one says right now as it is out of grief and and it takes patience and love to work thru it and you will get there

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 23, 2018 at 12:05pm

Jeanette..you are posting just fine...u r at the correct space...and if it still makes your posts SPACE limited ..just make short posts...and mark them Part 1, Part 2, etc..on separate posts. 

The fight with your daughter is normal. It is FEAR Based...expect more, but forgive each other immediately. If you don’t, you could be in danger of prolonging an argument..and you need each other now. FEAR EATS THE SOUL.  Those words are on my fridge, on a piece of paper that my husband put up years b4 he even got sick. And it is true. In your daughters mind..if her dad could die, than so can her husband, her. children, and YOU!  My daughter is terrified I will get sick and die like her dad did. 

And YOU are also terrified in the same way your daughter is. Show her THESE posts! Let her read them. There is also a group here she might like to join, for people who have lost a parent. Expect negativity...but it is worth a try. 

I am terrified every day something will happen to my daughter..but we talk about it, and she calls several times a day..to check in..and vise versa. 

As for those workbook based church groups...I tried one of those for a few weeks..not for me.  They were too “generalized” and DIDN,t touch on the basic problems, like FEAR and loss..

also, I would suggest you keep a journal..and write down your feelings. Can’t hurt...and DO NOT LET PRIDE STOP YOU FROM YOUR DAUGHTER!  Phone or stop by and just tell her you love her, and will be there for her. It makes no difference who was “right”. There is no wrong or right...you are both terrified, and u need each other...to be there, to try to calm each other, and to tell each other “ thank you for being here for me”. And “I love you”. 

And one last thing...do it NOW! Do NOT let any arguments fester! If you wait, it builds and builds untill you have long forgotten WHY u were upset, and it is difficult to reconnect. All the old rules are gone. All we have is NOW...cherish it. And DO lean on each other! Together you can support each other, and walk thru life stumbling, but not falling...and if you fall..you can help each other up again. 

I just realized, we do that HERE! When one of us falls or stumbles, the others help us back up again...I thank God every day for finding this site for me. 

 

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