Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Susan on September 14, 2018 at 9:09am

Hi Sarah, I too live about 20 miles north of Boston and was glued to the tv last night. My son works in Lawrence and hadn't heard about the explosions until I texted him at 5pm. He thankfully left work immediately and made it home safely. His fiancee's parents live in Lawrence but not in the affected area. It was frightening.

To Steve, I am sorry about your cancer and it's relation to humira. I work for a rheumatologist and we have so many patients on these biologics. Far too many of them get cancer. It's a known side effect but I think it is downplayed in the prescribing process. Plus people just want to feel better so they agree to go on the drugs. I think the patient should be presented with some statistics before agreeing to go on the drugs. We have very few patients who turn down the drug. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 14, 2018 at 6:50am

Hello Family,

I have not finished writing the piece I started about my first summer with Larry. As Steve has been keeping you informed with his treatment plan and such, I know you will forgive me.

My own medical appointment are purely at a point of evaluation and getting a base line for my new doctors here in Texas. From those results they will become familiar with my current condition from which they can monitor any changes in my status. Looking at the calendar and seeing the weeks filled with doctors' names and steve's or my name written below them sometimes gives me pause. I knew this was a very real possibility should I live long enough, but when it becomes a reality in your world you can still be taken aback how insidiously health issues can overtake your days. The challenge is to keep them from ruling your life - my dear friends, I am most sincerely working on that one, but still can't always keep my thoughts from going to places I would rather not revisit.

I wish to add my prayers for everyone's safety if you are in any areas threatened by natural or man-made disasters. Sara, I too find myself musing in the wee small hours if this is the beginning of the end. Maybe it is just my own proclivity for the macabre, or some facet of my grief, but I sometimes think it wouldn't be such a bad thing if this was true. I suppose not having children or grandchildren to consider allows this morbid streak to persist, so please forgive my selfishness in saying so.

Be well, stay safe, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers daily. Thank you for being such a comfort and source of strength for us - God Bless You.

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 13, 2018 at 10:50pm

Sara,,I had thatnthought too...that this might b the start of”the end of civilization as we know it. So many horrible things are happening with Nature,,.Califrnia is burning, storms are far more frequent than before...maybe this is just a see if the human race can “step up” and help others in need...but what can we do? Today, AM VETS called me for a donation pickup..and they had an “ad on speech...for non perishable foods, blankets, bottles for babies and baby and children’s clothes..which I don,t have..and I just gave all my non perishable food to the girl scouts...but I have purged my clothes, and have two contractor plastic bags full of them...I also have Tons of Barbie dolls, and some boys toys, which I was going to try to sell...but they t being given away on Tuesday.

by then I hope to purge my “doll room” which is full of 

dolls in boxes...and keeping this stuff is just weighing me down. I am also tossing in prescription glasses..about 10 pairs, hopefully they can use them..they belonged to both Bob and me,  and I also have a C-pap machine and all the accessories. That I want to donate, but don,t know where. Online they seem to only want newer machines..what a waste...I am rambling now..I am really tired and unfocused...and depressed...and here I am whining again, when I should b greatfull for all I have. Bye for now. 


Comment by Sara Murphy on September 13, 2018 at 9:26pm

Mary Jane.....I'm in Mass, about 20 miles north of Boston so I'm not in the hurricane area.  Not sure if this made national news but there have been roughly 70 gas explosions in the 3 towns surrounding my town.  Many, many fires.  All 3 towns are without power and many of my co-workers have been affected. 

I had a conversation with one of my co-workers earlier this week about it being possible that we're already in the middle of Armageddon and don't know it.  I'm beginning to think he's right! 

I pray for peace, safety and health for all of you.

Love, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2018 at 4:31pm

To any of my dear friends on here if you are in the area of this terrible storm I'm praying.  I live in British Columbia, Canada so I only know a few on here and where they live, but most of you I don't.  Be safe and I'm praying.  I do believe from our weather news the storm is a 2 now.  I hope it just dwindles away.  

Love & Hugs


Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2018 at 4:25pm

Steve ...  You're welcome.  I am so happy your memory came back and you know the name of the doctors and hospital.  What I did with all of Ernie's medical paperwork was put it in a plastic bin and I still have it.  Just in case you are not aware of this, pharmaceutical companies are all about money and could care less what they put out there for patients even if FDA approved.  Before you fill any prescription given by your doctor Google it and see what the side effects are and also, go to the reviews on that drug by other patients (from the horse's mouth.)  I went over every medication Ernie took and found 2 serious mistakes and thankfully he did not take that particular medication.  I have worked in doctor's offices, but at the time didn't realize many of these new medications shouldn't have been on the market.  Sometimes the doctor would give out free samples to their patients. Drug companies have agents that see all doctors with the newest of the new medications and I always call it, 'the flavor of the month.'  It's not to say some medications don't work and have fewer side effects.  I can't believe that your doctor actually prescribed your medication knowing full well that it can cause cancer.  Also, if your gut feeling rises up listen and as you are doing now research it online. 

I wish you the best of luck my dear brother and lots of prayers flying your way.

Hugs & Much love

Your sis Marsha 

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2018 at 10:45am

Mary Jane, I live in Missouri so I am good, my daughter lives in Wilmington N.C. but they are all safely out of horms way in Delaware, saying prayers for all there but so thankful it is now a cat 2

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 13, 2018 at 8:43am

To DEB.... or SARA...I cannot remember but I think one of u lives near the hurricane area? Please let us know u r safe...

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 13, 2018 at 8:41am

Oh, just concentrate on healing. I totally get it...BOb went for Brain radiation a few times each week  so I know how it can suck the energy from you. Maybe we can set something up on FaceTime or something, to at least meet. (Except the camera on FaceTime is NOT kind..shows every wrinkle and flaw hahahaha)

Just trying to lighten the mood. This is going to b a quick post..I have to go get my nails done. LOL. I usually don’t leave the house.

The next time I post to u, I will tell about an online friend, in a group of Doll people, and his illness, and the power of prayer from about 20 members. Know that my heart is with you..and here is a MAJOR suggestion about memory..I keep a pad and pen close by, as things tend to flutter past my mind...important things, and 2 seconds later they are gone..but things WILL start doing that, and if u have a pen close by, write them down will definitely help your memory. Ok, back later, and just take care of yourself...

Comment by Steve on September 13, 2018 at 8:12am


Thank you, my anger with the Pharmacy Industry as a whole is boiling at best.  I read everything now, I question everything and then I spend hours online looking and reading.  

After meeting with the radiologist yesterday, I feel more positive about my recovery and to finally rid myself of this cancer.  I trusted the urologist in South Florida, maybe too much.  Mark did not and had his doubts about the whole thing.  I am sure he has been guiding me along these past few weeks.  I was so angry with myself for tossing out so much paper work when I moved from our apartment and then throwing out more when I moved to NJ.  All the time in the back of my mind was a voice "are you sure" each time I thinned out the mounds of papers...

Until last night I could not remember any of the doctor's names from 2009 or even the name of the hospital where the surgery took place.  Driving home last night the name of mine and Mark's primary care doctor "popped into my head".  Getting home and working from that one name, took me to finding the name of the urologist...I remembered that his name only had 3 that narrowed down the search to one, after I googled his practice and saw the aerial view, bingo, my memories lit up like a light bulb.  Finding the hospital was just as easy.  All of them are still there with the addresses, phone numbers, etc...

So my search was not in vain and today I can give all this information to my doctor here and they can request all my records faster than patients.  Thanks to Mark and the many other angels around me...I am going to be fine and I am going to beat this/

Thank you one and all on this site, my family, my angels,



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