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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
Latest Conversations: Feb 17

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on October 17, 2018 at 3:57pm

One last thing...I have always kept a sort of journal,many books, different  places,and years..but in every relationship..there are some rough patches..and I found a journal I wrote a bit in the mid 90,s...which wasn’t always the best time in our marriage. I was angry and in menopause, andBob was drinking...and I wrote about some of it.

i had forgotten some of this stuff, and was shocked when I read it. It was like a glass of cold water tossed in my face...when I read some of it,I remembered the anger, actions..I DIDN,t want to remember...it had turned out so well...but I was shocked, then angry, and I wish I had never found it, or read it. It was only a few pages, and I will be destroying those pages, but I don,t want to read  them again...but I have to go through to find and destroy the bad parts.cuz some of the journal are things I do NOT want to forget. What a quandary. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 17, 2018 at 3:47pm

Thank you Deb. Yes it does. Pleas, everyone, I posted a link just now, to a place I found that decsribes Widow/widower Brain...a phrase I had heard much earlier..but never had the courage to look up. When I finally found the link  below, and read it..it was like someone was inside my head. They were describing ME to a tee! I urge u all to read it.

I WASN’T CRAZY! I am going to get my brain back! Last week was a grueling, busy horrible yet wonderful week..I noticed that few posted then...we havealmost purged 3/4 of the stuff inside the house! My daughter, Melinda did it all. I still have many things to go thru...but finding that article, having so much cleaned up...and one other thing which I will mention, has given me hope, lelssened my FEAR...and I know I can do this now.

the other thing that happend: in the late 90,s my mother, who never really liked me, had to be put in a home. My brother took all this on alone. I was so full of anger, that I wan,t there for her or him.she died in 2001, and I DID plan her memorial, but .for over 26 years, I have been riddled with this HUGE amount of guilt. He is a wonderful human being, was always  a great brother, but I had a HUGE amount of guilt for rarely visiting, not measring up, etc..so we were speaking on the phone a few days ago..he lives in CA, and I started in again, on I AM SO SORRY etc that I was never there for him while mom, who always adored him, (but me? Not so muc..at all) I kinda dumped my whining, broken record saying  it all again.I was sorry.bla bla blaa..and he started laughing! 

So i guessed what he was going to say “GET OVER IT?” I said. He replied: “YEP” and laughed some more..he wasn’t angry at all, that I wasn,t there to help...He had forgiven me long ago, and DIDN,t even think I NEEDED forgiveness!!!! 

 I was stunned. I had carried this weight of guilt for so long..thinking I was a horrible person to my brother, one of the most decent people I have ever met, let alone be a sister to! This was HUGE! I felt the albatross*.  being lifted off my neck...and that night,  I started to remember things..where I put something, someone’s name, etc. That small act of forgiveness, which I had thought of every day, and he had let it go at the onslaught, was a ticket to retrieving my sanity...

* Albatross...a large bird considered good luck by ancient seamen..and the subject of a poem The Mariners Tale..or something like that..good poem.

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 17, 2018 at 3:18pm
Comment by deborah peck on October 17, 2018 at 2:06pm

this says it all

Comment by Diane C on October 12, 2018 at 11:18am

That was beautiful Steve. Thank you!

Comment by Steve on October 11, 2018 at 11:24am

If you want to help a person in grief, accept you can’t just remove their heartache By even trying to ease someone’s pain, you are telling them you believe it to be fixable. Loss is never fixable. Grief is never erasable. So simply walk with them as their hearts begin heal, and show them patience kindness and loving acceptance.


Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 9, 2018 at 9:34pm

Deb......Yes, I too think the second year is hard.  For me, I feel like it's withdrawals...Ken has been gone long enough and I just need him back now.  It could be that the first year is a blur. 

Comment by Sheri Dettman on October 8, 2018 at 10:52am

Deborah, I agree about the 2nd year. The first year you are just reacting. My fog hasn't completely lifted but I do feel more clear. It doesn't make it any easier. I recently joined a couple of online groups that have a lot of members that I'm finding helpful. I'm posting the names of them on my website, stronglikebull.love. I'll put them on my facebook page as well.

Comment by deborah peck on October 8, 2018 at 10:07am

Does anyone else think the 2nd year is worse than the first in someways? I don't know if its because the fog has finally lifted or the reality has kicked in but it seems harder to me

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 7, 2018 at 9:31pm

Deb.....It really would be wonderful if people would just do those things.  Unfortunately most people think saying "call me if you need anything" is sufficient and they only really mean it for the first few months after the loss.   Although  I don't want any of my family/friends to go through this grief, I'll know better how to be there for them when it does happen.

 

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