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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2018 at 8:36am

THankyou. That was a lovely post. Now I have another fear...I am flying out in 6 hours, and the horrible Oklahoma wind is 30 miles an hour..so send a few prayers that my plane doesn,t crash.

About Kevin’s death..he had been dead about 3 days when they found him..which, ironically was the same time Melinda was listening to her dads phone messages after almost 3 years. I don,t think that was a coincidence. Kevin could have been with her at that time. I know that sounds nuts, but I have had too many strange things happen. Also, last night, she went to shut his office door last night after the few people left in the building were done crying, etc..and the SUN was streaming through the window..a single stream of sun...and the weird thing..is the company had just put a shade in his window..that is the business...they make and sell window shades..but after the shade was installed 2 days ago,.they realized that was the only example of that brand new shade, so the took it down to photograph, and the window was unshaded. Otherwise, there would have been no sunlight. This was NOT a coincidence.

Ok, kids, I am back to scared..imdon,t want to die in an airplane today...if u have ever been in Oklahoma, u will know how bad the winds can get. There were tornadoes last night..lots of damage in different parts of the state..lots of destruction...I know planes fly outndaily, but I don,t want to die..I have a daughter who needs me. And I need her...and a kitty who would b homeless if I die.

Comment by Steve on December 1, 2018 at 7:34am

Mary Jane,

Your daughter Melinda will be in all of our prayers, as well as you dear sister.  None of us are ever ready for what life can through at us, and yet, we all find our way to where we need to be, and especially the people that come into our life.

“There will always be a reason why you meet people.  Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs”.

Angel Flonis Harefa

Love and hugs for a safe trip.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 10:50pm

It is unbelievable how in just one hour, since my last post, life can turn on a dime. There I was, frantically running around, trying to pack, tornado warnings, and severe thunderstorms all around me now...but non of it seems important now. 

When Bob died, my daughter seemed to take it well...I worried about her not grieving...it’s been 2 1/2 years...but today the other father figure in her life, died. He was the president of the company she works for...but they weee close..as 18 years ago, it was a small company...so they would talk, he would help her do things like buy the best car, confide in her about his failed marriage, multitude of things brought them close...and lthough they DIDN,t have deep conversations like before, as the years passed..she worked her way up to what would be considered the COO of the company...but he would still confide in her...he was a friend, but more distanced as she rose higher in the company...and more people were hired...the closeness was altered. But they always had a special connection.

for 3 days, he didn,t come to workm or answer phone calls or texts so today 3 of the top employees went to his home, as they were very worried...and found he had died...lying on his floor...near his door...cause of death unknown at this time,...she is glad she DIDN,t have to see him like that...but she is so upset...first her dad, now the man who  had been like a second dad to her...when she called me with this information I was so shocked...hopefully he didn,t take his own life, but no one knows yet,,,he was very lonely and not as open as he once had been.he was only 58, and seemed like a very nice man.....and my frantic mood and rush to,pack has altered because of her deep pain. First her dad, and now Kevin. 

Ironically on Monday, they are going to have a special meeting and she wants me to go with her, and support her that day. I have met him several times, and really liked him..but he had so much trouble finding love...and was extremely lonely...but he always took time out from “being the CEO” tomhave their special talks..and now it is too late..death is the great equalizer. It could have been heart problems, and both of us are so glad that she DIDN,t go along when they went to his home, and found him,,as it had been a few days, lying on that floor. 

Imam supposed to fly there tomorrow, and she wants me there when they break the news to the rest of the company..on Monday.they are planing vhaving an impromtommeeting, and she is very greatful I will be by her side as she faces yet another death by someone she though of as a father. 

Ironically, just a few days ago she was finally able to listen to the messages still on her phone about when her dad was dying..now this happens. It seems a million years agonot a few hours, I was running around my house trying to pack for this trip..which in an instant turned into something completely different, they are not kidding when they say life can turn on a dime. One persons death caused everyone who knew him to re-evaluate their daily life, and put what is really important into prospective. It is so sad. Thanks for reading this, and pray for my little girl to give her some piece and clarity.  Her name is Melinda and she is the reason I get up in the morning, 

Comment by Diamond on November 30, 2018 at 8:16pm
With love...life is beautiful..adjustment comes and life continues down a different path. Trust in our Heavenly Father as he will comfort us on our time of distress.
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 8:03pm

I thought it had been a longer time that no one else posted...but I read everything today, and I guess it is just me. My life is in complete chaos now...plumbing backyard pipe crushed..in next door neighbors yard...trying to get rid of so much stuff...and tomorrow I am flying to CA to look at mobile homes..actually, I am not nNEARLY ready yet, but we want to “get a feel” for a possible senior park...then we have to clean up THIS place...but the catalyst  was last nite...a neighbor mention a friend who’s husband had died...at where I usually grab a pen and paper and jot down THIS website. (Like YOU do, Beard..I always refer people..but b4 I could, I remembered how slow things have been, and was afraid  the person wouldn’t, see any postings, and leave...so I DIDN,t.

i am so scared of life right now..but ironically, BOB has been here ALOT!  I have never felt him this strongly. He has helped me a number of times...things so weird, and timely, I KNOW he is here. Things I start to do one way, but then I sort of get a feeling, that maybe I should do it a different way...it is too complicated to explain here...but this is the strongest I have ever felt him. There is so much more I want to write about, but I am in FRANTIC mode..I don,t like leaving my kitty....but he loves my friend who cares for him, and it is only for a few days...I know it is BAD to be so attatched to a pet,but he is so much more...and he isn,t young any more...so I have asked God we both live at least another 10 years! It could  happen! My brother has a cat who is 23!

ok, time to go...but it is so good to hear from all of you. 

Comment by georgia on November 30, 2018 at 6:20pm

I wish everyone a peaceful holiday season.

Comment by georgia on November 30, 2018 at 6:12pm

Happy holidays Steve.

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 30, 2018 at 5:23pm

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I last posted. I read all posts that I see in my email. I know that holidays are rough for us. I continue to come back here because this site helped me the most in dealing with my own grief. As a psychotherapist I always give the url for this site to my patients who have lost a spouse. I wish everyone here the best!

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 9:29am

Steve, I am so saddened about this anniversary that none of us want to remember...and I hope your day is filled with wonderful memories. But I am so grateful you posted your beautiful memories. In a sense, you have given me back HOPE.  I came here every day for the last month, and there was nothing. NOTHING! My comfort place was GONE! I made a weak attempt at posting but DIDN,t even get my words correct. I DIDN,t know what had happenened. This was my place of solace, and it was GONE! No one was here anymore! I felt abandoned, lost and alone. I reasoned that maybe y’all were going thru what I have been...one disruption after another. 

Last night I sat by my Ipad, wanting to post SOMETHING, anything wondering where everyone was...but instead I just went to bed. When I read your posts this morning I actually broke down and cried. Both for your pain, and because someone was BACK and sharing, and we were still here! Thank you, Steve..I will post more and explain later, but you couldn,t have picked a better time to share your deep pain, and wonderful memories. I was so lost...but your coming here this morning has saved me. I will explain later..I just woke up. Thank Mark for me, too.

Mary Jane

Comment by Steve on November 30, 2018 at 7:28am

Mark always wanted me to go on living, he knew he was dying, he knew he would not get better and he made me promise that I would go on living.  We had these talks over the last year he was still alive, he always said that I was the stronger one that I could do anything I put my mind too.  He was of course right, I have continued to live, I have a new life, I have the memory of him forever in my heart.  So, today I give thanks for the life we shared together, Mark had a brilliant mind and a childlike outlook on life itself.  His family tossed him aside long before we met.  Mark always saw the positive in everyone and everything he and I went through together.  For as long as I live, I will remember the 9,145 days of our life together.  Today I am grateful for what and who I have in my new life, and for all those millions of memories he and I created together.

 

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