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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 10:50pm

It is unbelievable how in just one hour, since my last post, life can turn on a dime. There I was, frantically running around, trying to pack, tornado warnings, and severe thunderstorms all around me now...but non of it seems important now. 

When Bob died, my daughter seemed to take it well...I worried about her not grieving...it’s been 2 1/2 years...but today the other father figure in her life, died. He was the president of the company she works for...but they weee close..as 18 years ago, it was a small company...so they would talk, he would help her do things like buy the best car, confide in her about his failed marriage, multitude of things brought them close...and lthough they DIDN,t have deep conversations like before, as the years passed..she worked her way up to what would be considered the COO of the company...but he would still confide in her...he was a friend, but more distanced as she rose higher in the company...and more people were hired...the closeness was altered. But they always had a special connection.

for 3 days, he didn,t come to workm or answer phone calls or texts so today 3 of the top employees went to his home, as they were very worried...and found he had died...lying on his floor...near his door...cause of death unknown at this time,...she is glad she DIDN,t have to see him like that...but she is so upset...first her dad, now the man who  had been like a second dad to her...when she called me with this information I was so shocked...hopefully he didn,t take his own life, but no one knows yet,,,he was very lonely and not as open as he once had been.he was only 58, and seemed like a very nice man.....and my frantic mood and rush to,pack has altered because of her deep pain. First her dad, and now Kevin. 

Ironically on Monday, they are going to have a special meeting and she wants me to go with her, and support her that day. I have met him several times, and really liked him..but he had so much trouble finding love...and was extremely lonely...but he always took time out from “being the CEO” tomhave their special talks..and now it is too late..death is the great equalizer. It could have been heart problems, and both of us are so glad that she DIDN,t go along when they went to his home, and found him,,as it had been a few days, lying on that floor. 

Imam supposed to fly there tomorrow, and she wants me there when they break the news to the rest of the company..on Monday.they are planing vhaving an impromtommeeting, and she is very greatful I will be by her side as she faces yet another death by someone she though of as a father. 

Ironically, just a few days ago she was finally able to listen to the messages still on her phone about when her dad was dying..now this happens. It seems a million years agonot a few hours, I was running around my house trying to pack for this trip..which in an instant turned into something completely different, they are not kidding when they say life can turn on a dime. One persons death caused everyone who knew him to re-evaluate their daily life, and put what is really important into prospective. It is so sad. Thanks for reading this, and pray for my little girl to give her some piece and clarity.  Her name is Melinda and she is the reason I get up in the morning, 

Comment by Diamond on November 30, 2018 at 8:16pm
With love...life is beautiful..adjustment comes and life continues down a different path. Trust in our Heavenly Father as he will comfort us on our time of distress.
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 8:03pm

I thought it had been a longer time that no one else posted...but I read everything today, and I guess it is just me. My life is in complete chaos now...plumbing backyard pipe crushed..in next door neighbors yard...trying to get rid of so much stuff...and tomorrow I am flying to CA to look at mobile homes..actually, I am not nNEARLY ready yet, but we want to “get a feel” for a possible senior park...then we have to clean up THIS place...but the catalyst  was last nite...a neighbor mention a friend who’s husband had died...at where I usually grab a pen and paper and jot down THIS website. (Like YOU do, Beard..I always refer people..but b4 I could, I remembered how slow things have been, and was afraid  the person wouldn’t, see any postings, and leave...so I DIDN,t.

i am so scared of life right now..but ironically, BOB has been here ALOT!  I have never felt him this strongly. He has helped me a number of times...things so weird, and timely, I KNOW he is here. Things I start to do one way, but then I sort of get a feeling, that maybe I should do it a different way...it is too complicated to explain here...but this is the strongest I have ever felt him. There is so much more I want to write about, but I am in FRANTIC mode..I don,t like leaving my kitty....but he loves my friend who cares for him, and it is only for a few days...I know it is BAD to be so attatched to a pet,but he is so much more...and he isn,t young any more...so I have asked God we both live at least another 10 years! It could  happen! My brother has a cat who is 23!

ok, time to go...but it is so good to hear from all of you. 

Comment by georgia on November 30, 2018 at 6:20pm

I wish everyone a peaceful holiday season.

Comment by georgia on November 30, 2018 at 6:12pm

Happy holidays Steve.

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 30, 2018 at 5:23pm

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I last posted. I read all posts that I see in my email. I know that holidays are rough for us. I continue to come back here because this site helped me the most in dealing with my own grief. As a psychotherapist I always give the url for this site to my patients who have lost a spouse. I wish everyone here the best!

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 30, 2018 at 9:29am

Steve, I am so saddened about this anniversary that none of us want to remember...and I hope your day is filled with wonderful memories. But I am so grateful you posted your beautiful memories. In a sense, you have given me back HOPE.  I came here every day for the last month, and there was nothing. NOTHING! My comfort place was GONE! I made a weak attempt at posting but DIDN,t even get my words correct. I DIDN,t know what had happenened. This was my place of solace, and it was GONE! No one was here anymore! I felt abandoned, lost and alone. I reasoned that maybe y’all were going thru what I have been...one disruption after another. 

Last night I sat by my Ipad, wanting to post SOMETHING, anything wondering where everyone was...but instead I just went to bed. When I read your posts this morning I actually broke down and cried. Both for your pain, and because someone was BACK and sharing, and we were still here! Thank you, Steve..I will post more and explain later, but you couldn,t have picked a better time to share your deep pain, and wonderful memories. I was so lost...but your coming here this morning has saved me. I will explain later..I just woke up. Thank Mark for me, too.

Mary Jane

Comment by Steve G. on November 30, 2018 at 7:28am

Mark always wanted me to go on living, he knew he was dying, he knew he would not get better and he made me promise that I would go on living.  We had these talks over the last year he was still alive, he always said that I was the stronger one that I could do anything I put my mind too.  He was of course right, I have continued to live, I have a new life, I have the memory of him forever in my heart.  So, today I give thanks for the life we shared together, Mark had a brilliant mind and a childlike outlook on life itself.  His family tossed him aside long before we met.  Mark always saw the positive in everyone and everything he and I went through together.  For as long as I live, I will remember the 9,145 days of our life together.  Today I am grateful for what and who I have in my new life, and for all those millions of memories he and I created together.

Comment by Steve G. on November 30, 2018 at 7:26am

My journey since this loss has led me down a path I could not at that time even begin to imagine.  For me, my life was over, all the plans we had to live out our lives together were no more than just memories.  And yet, somewhere deep inside something kept me going to work, kept me searching for answers, kept me alive and in the end kept me from taking my own life.  It has been 4 years since his passing, during those years I found a web site called Legacy, just for folks like me who had lost their spouses.  I began to understand my loss and how my life and thoughts were being re-routed, each one of us helping each other just by venting, exchanging stories and feeling loved by total strangers.  I realized that I now had a new family, even though we could not visit personally, but one of inclusiveness and one of caring for one another.  I eventually made friends with one person off line and we began to email each other privately.  This led me to retire, to move to a new state, to love someone again, but very differently and difficult to explain.  We needed each other and we both understood each other’s loss.  We helped each other to begin living again.  Together we can look at our past and not only see our lost loved one, but we have each other to lean on and to share joy and sorrow as each anniversary comes and goes.  We have made a lot of new friends.  For me, in my quiet times I look back into that dark hole that was left in my heart when Mark died, and I see not only him, but all the faces of my lost loved ones mixed in with all the faces of my new family of friends since his death and I still feel his loss and I still grieve, but much more differently now. 

Comment by Steve G. on November 30, 2018 at 7:24am

I can look back over my life and see all the mistakes I have made and all of the successes I have had; to do so evokes a lot of memories, all separate from one another and yet all connected.  One’s life is driven by joy and loss and how we react to each one will determine the path we take; and yet, I cannot discount all the what if’s, nor do I want to dwell on those either.  Reflecting on one’s own past, for me, has brought clarity, understanding and healing into my life at a time when one should be content on the life they have lived.  For me, I had too many questions, too many disappointments and too many lost loved ones to take time out to grieve for them all; until I lost the one true love in my life, my soulmate.  When two people make a commitment to each other, your lives become as one, your every thought is for each other and so it was for Mark and me for 25 years.  His passing brought to the surface all the pain of not taking time to grieve for the ones before him.  I remember hearing or reading somewhere that if we as humans do not address our losses and problems as they occur and just side-bar them for later, later will eventually catch up with each one of us.  That is what happened to me on the 30th day of November 2014, the very day I lost Mark.

 

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